Introduction - Who Have I Become?

[GetMeUnderControl]

My bio describes my current state but, I’ll elaborate some here.

I’m a female in my 30’s.

- Growing up, my teachers always told my mother about how “sweet and kind” I was. It seems that now, at age 32, I’ve completely lost myself. I can experience sadness when others cry, but I have great difficulty in understanding how people are feeling if it’s not completely evident. Like when people have a neutral face, my boyfriend can easily pick up on their feelings but I’m completely clueless. I feel I lack empathy, now?

Also, I have developed explosive anger, crazy impatience, and horrible mood swings. Some days will be fine, but if something as little as dropping something (like a pen) twice in a row occurs, out comes the curse words and threats to the world and myself. I wasn’t always like this. I don’t remember when it started.

- I had friends in the past. But as years passed by, I realized people aren’t as they seem. Being older now, I reflect that the women I’ve met have been all drama, two-faced, and judgmental. The men (which is the gender I get along easier with) only want to be friends in hopes for something more. This is my experience, I know not every person is the same.. I hope. But now, I’ve been in self isolation mode (for months) and I can’t tell if it’s because of my boyfriend of three years who’s had that influence on me, or if it’s because I really did lose hope in true friendships.

- I always claim I don’t live with regrets. But it’s a lie I tell myself. The biggest regret I have was breaking up with my first love; I think about it often. I wonder how it effected him. I wish I wasn’t so naïve and irresponsible with his feelings. I know we have to move forward, and I don’t want to lose my current love (he’s so kind and patient with me) but I just don’t know how to let go.

- I have difficulty with commitment. I don’t cheat, but I have an extensive past of dating short-term and moving on too quickly. I finally think I’ve broken the cycle- or at least that’s what I tell myself, as I’ve been dating the same man for three years now (my longest relationship). In the past, I’d find little things to break up over, just to date again because I never thought anyone was good enough to stay with forever- constantly meeting new men in hopes to find “the one.” Now, I don’t even want to think about marriage; that word terrifies me with this culture of cheating I see these days all over the internet. It doesn’t help that I took my engagement ring off last December due to my love liking riskay photos on IG of his “ex coworker that he doesn’t even talk to anymore…” I can’t get that out of my head and even though we spoke about it- it still worries me.

I came here to get help with my anger but I see now after writing this, I have deeper things to take care of.

If you’d like to reply or chat because you experience similarities or have advice, I’d appreciate it. I know I’m not alone, but it often feels that I am.

Thanks for taking your time to read this, cheers.