It’s back… trigger warning

3 years ago my mother died by suicide. I had my first nervous breakdown about 6 months afterward. Since then, I’ve been to IOP, countless hours of support groups, one on one therapy sessions, taken 3 different anti-depressants, and then I did the work to get the best paying, high status job I’ve ever had. 3 months ago I decided I felt well, I thought I was in a supportive environment and my relationship with my spouse was good. It was time to stop my medication! Today I am home, without that (what I thought was the most awesome) job. Ashamed. I left like an evacuation for a bomb threat. All the numbness was gone, I didn’t react well in grey areas and could not control my emotions. I’m ok. I will survive. I have survived my beloved mothers loss, my childhood abuser and so much more. I’m also back on the meds. Not sure how I feel about that but I suppose I feel better than my mom did before she pulled the trigger. I want people to know I don’t want to be a victim. How do I not feel like a victim, every day? Every second? I’m so sick of myself I could puke.

[wanderlust2021]

So sorry to hear about your mother. I don't have any personal experience with suicide but I do with child abuse, anxiety, and depression. I lost my mother to cancer in 2009 and it took me a very long time to seek help (about 9 years). I am in a very low point at the moment. So when I read your comment about being sick of yourself - I can completely relate!

It's hard shaking that victim label. Especially when everyone around you seems to have their lives together so easily. And I know they don't - it's impossible to see someone's entire situation from the outside. But it's also impossible not to come to the conclusion that "my situation is way worse because I went through X which is why I am where I am personally, professionally, emotionally, mentally". I think that plays a huge role in labeling ourselves as victims. "I'm this way because of X". I'm striving for "I'm strong / happy / healthy in spite of X"". I just can't seem to bridge the two yet. I think that's part of the healing journey. The anxiety of trying to get from A to B is exhausting to say the least.

I asked a previous therapist why I lashed out at people for the most trivial things. I believe one of the examples I gave her was "I was at home alone screaming and frantically digging through the entire house because I couldn't find my flip flop as I was trying to leave to go run errands". Like it sounds completely irrational / psychotic and almost humorous in hind sight - but in the moment it was blind anger and frustration. That anger comes from the anxiety and depression. I honestly thought I was just an irrational jerk until I learned that three are linked. It's that inner frustration from anxiety / depression.

I didn't really have an answer to your question as I still struggle with this myself. I thinking finding your self worth is imperative. I have yet to find mine. It's like having the manual in front of you with all the answers but they are in another language. I think I know what I need to do but how?

Just wanted to let you know that I feel you and that I wish your heart healing! Sorry I can't be of more help.

[Hidden in reply to wanderlust2021]

Your reply was so real and eloquently put. Thank you for taking your time to relate to my feelings. Reading this has given me some hope and strength to get through today. I wish you the same during your journey.

[Nb72]

Hey hope ur ok