After waking up I was lying still on my bed hearing my dad's ranting with my mom and I suddenly remembered that- TODAY'S MY DAD 'S B'DAY. I got up from my bed and search for him . I went downstairs and gave him a hug and wish him HAPPY B'DAY. A huge smile cross his face and he said - You remembered . I just wondering like how they get so much happy in just small things.
And now am sure that he will be smiling throughout the day.
Hello Horizon, what a lovely post you have put up today, and Happy Birthday to your Dad.
As a parent myself, it is the little things that count when it comes to your children, and hopefully one day you will experience that too.
I want to thank you for your inspirational post this morning, you made me smile.
Have a good day,
Best wishes.
MAS Nurse
thanku😊
Hi happy birthday to your dad and I am sure your card means a lot to him.
I have to disagree with the unconditional love thing though. I am pleased that your parents are obviously very supportive but mine weren't at all. Well my mother certainly wasn't as she was a covert narcassist and tried her best to destroy me. x
thanks for the wishes. Hugs and best wishes for you😊
I’m with you 100% hypercat54 , my parents were a couple of pathetic abusers, with the father being a sociopath and the mother,like yours,a covert narcissist!! So basically, the moral of the story is,... don’t assume that all can be forgiven, as there is a child out there somewhere today,getting let down by their so called parents!!
I am so sorry you parents were like that. I can forgive (for my own sake) but can never ever forget. I think there is a difference. x
Hi hypercat, I can totally understand why you forgave for your own happiness, but it’s the one thing in my life that I probably know that I will keep suffering for the rest of my life,but I just can’t forgive, thinking of that process makes me shiver, as I’m pretty hyper aware that even a little thought of them being given a get out of jail card for free,has a massive psychological effect on me that I would rather be in pain for ever,than knowing they were given my forgiveness,even if the only real reason was for my sake only!? It’s so hard, I think about frequently and can’t find any way of resolving this issue!? Sorry for the rant,just a bit triggered,a term I don’t really like using,but this is a big issue!! PS, I’m absolutely glad that you found an answer hypercat.
To me this appears as though they still have some hold over you? Once you have completely emotionally distanced them from you then you can heal and forgive. Work towards this and you will achieve it. x
Hi hypercat, I removed them from my life two years ago and unfortunately my siblings are so up their arses they have decided not to stay in contact with me, which I’m totally fine with,as if these people are so blind to the truth and also have no empathy for me with them getting an easier ride in childhood ,i am never going to waste my energy on them!! I’ve definitely been the best I have ever been in the last two years, and feel comfortable in my own skin with the decision I’ve made, so needless to say,the forgiveness issue is getting further from my thoughts as time has gone by, so I’m delighted with that!! I heard recently from my ex wife that my ex father is in the final stages of heart failure, as my ex wife works in the same care home as my ex mother,she said that the ex mother was taking a lot of time off work to be with her husband as seemingly he needs her, which is a bit suspect as I saw him driving his car and he was alone, so it is definitely him being terrified to be left alone during the night as she works 3 night shifts a week,so it makes me chuckle that a 6 foot 2 inch and 23 stones adult can be so scared of dying because he allegedly fears where he is going when he dies!? I’m not religious but sometimes I do think,for his next trip will be hell!!? Ironically they both believe in god,with my ex mother being brought up in a typical west of Scotland Presbyterian church household!! Sorry with the novel,i got carried away!! John.
I can't forgive either, and of course will never forget.
I don't think forgiving will set me free. I feel like forgiving let's my mother off the hook. Something I'm not willing to do. She's gone now. But, in my eyes owns her behavior forever.
I'm working in therapy just to get angry with her for what she did. I've done meditation about forgiveness and when it's gets to the part of really forgiving I have to shut it off.
When my sister was dieing her biggest fear was seeing my mother again. How sad is that? I told her things are supposed to be different when we die. That my mothers pain of her own childhood should be gone and she should be a different person. I said this to try and help my sister cross over in peace. I don't want to get into religion. Because I'm not sure what I believe. But couldn't watch the fear in my sisters eye.
That's my rant about child emotional neglect and abuse.
It's so good to be able to talk freely about it.
Hi dolphin14, I just had a rant to an earlier reply,so please read as it covers quite a bit of what you have talked about!! It’s absolutely heartwarming to know that there is someone with the same issues being so open and honest,so thank you for sharing your thoughts!! I can’t remember if I mentioned my age,but I’ll be 50 in October and it seems to me that it takes the decades that have past since childhood to be able to find the inner strength to start to deal with the issues that were thrown over us as defenseless children. A thought of mine is,that as everything that goes on in our lives before the age of 6 , becomes our algorithm of our future lives,which in turn,inhibits us from having a normal life and makes us wonder what the heck is going on with us,until we endure the crap decades from adulthood to now,then we have retrained our logical thinking to see what those people have done to us in our childhood!! So,in my opinion,it’s ourselves that can only help us,as we have been through the pain,as I’m not convinced the therapists have the skill set to be able to full empathy that is needed to be able to connect with us on our level!! Hope this makes some kind of sense Dolphin14!? John. PS, I’m open to being able to talk about anything that might help us both,and off course anyone else in this group!!
Yes, I read your post. I saw the similarities to my story so it pushed me to write mine.
I am over 50 and I agree. Our foundation in life is what can make or break us. I had no functional foundation. The first anxiety attack I remember was at age 6. I also didn't recognize until I was 50 that the life I thought was " normal" was not.
I do three forms of therapy. I am blessed with great therapists who are really helping me through understating and dealing with that part of my life. So, with them, and my own work I am moving forward.
I don't think the poster of the topic was looking at getting these types of responses. But, we weren't all lucky enough to grow up in that happy world.
I wish there was a specific group here for childhood emotional abuse. I think it would help a lot of people.
Thank you for sharing your story
each one of us has different perception and way of dealing with problems . Some of us are self obsessed, while some care for others. Some forgive and move ahead while some don't.
Every one have problems in their lives and for them their own problems are big issues. While for others they are not.
Its just the way how they look at them.
I came to know that you both had gone through so much that make u believe that not all parents are good and I agree with both of you.
I don't think my post is just useless ,may be it will make others to unfold their feelings and worries to their supportive parents.
I write what I felt as i wanted to , a way of keeping me motivated through my hard time because my family is my strength and I apologize that my post makes u hurt .
But u know what ur reply has made me nervous that next
time I had to think twice before posting . Fearing that it might hurt others.
I don't know why m writing this.
sorry if I again hurt u.
I didn't mean it that way at all.
I wasn't hurt by your post.
I am happy for you that you have a close bond with your family. It's so important.
I don't think you should be nervous about posting. My statement was actually made to say I'm sorry if we were taking away from your post.
You didn't hurt me. My mother did
thanku so much . I can relax now😊
u are very much old in age as well as experience than me and I wish from bottom of my heart that in your upcoming days and years u all live a life full of happiness and peace and no worries.
I understood that at your position your decision were right.😊
my mother always told me that always value and care for other feelings . I did that even ignoring my own happiness. But since last two years when I entered in professional sector I realise that we should care for only those who are worth it because there is no point in being happy if u are only giving .
😊
Check out hypercat latest post
She posts a great article and some additional info.
No. It's letting you off the hook my friend, not her.
There are stages to letting go. First the denial. Second the anger, and third the resentment. When these are finally gone it just doesn't matter anymore. I am older than you though and it took me a long long time.
For many years I would have endless imaginery conversations in my head where I railed at my mother accusing and blaming - and yes trying to understand. In her final few years I had the chances to do exactly that and chose not to. I knew better now and it made me realise how far I had come. I treated her with the compassion and empathy which she wasn't ever able to do with me, or anyone, and I realised I was free. I took the moral high ground because I was better than her. I felt sorry for her - sorry for the waste of great potential, and regret that she was never able to understand and make sense of her own dysfunctional background. I don't give house room to bitterness or regret or anger, unlike her.
That's not to say all the anger and resentment has gone, but that it simply has nothing to do with me anymore and it doesn't matter. I had her as an example of how not to be and I learnt better. Without this I may not have been the person I am today and I am grateful I am.
Does this make any sense? x x
Yes, this makes total sense. In fact Mayb I have forgiven her in some way but I just won't verbalize it.
I began to realize as I got older how sad she must be. She continued to treat me like sh-- until the day she died. But I was always there for her. I would " go back for more" in order that I had no regrets. I was with her when she passed.
Mayb now I have to back track and feel the anger. Because now I am really at the stage of seeing how her behavior effected my life. I never realized the depth of the pain she caused me set me up for certain ways I responded to things through out my life.
Perfectionism, caretaking, co dependence and on and on.
I do understand your words hypercat. Do you think my rationale makes sense ? Having to go backwards to anger first? I value your wisdom in this area as you have conquered the hold it has on you. It has come up in a few posts since I have joined and you have been very supportive in trying to help with your wisdom.
X
Yes I do get this completely Dolphin. Do whatever you need to heal. Nothing is wrong or harmful in the healing process and if that's what works for you then do exactly that. Just make sure you don't hold on to the anger and work through it. x
Hypercat beat me to the response. She's so quick lol
I totally agree with hypercat. I grew up in the same environment that she did. There was no love felt with my upbringing.
Happy you have a wonderful family. Happy birthday to your dad
Separated at birth Dolphin? 
xx
Perhaps that is true hypercat. We have been down a similar path. We certainly understand the struggle. X
Most definitely! z
You all need to have a night out together, something you all like to do
Generally I suffer a non-birthday now, one card, a nice dinner and a couple of beers with a couple of drams of malt whisky, a general weekd I suppose.
If you get on with your immediate family it is nice to do pleasant things together That is why I suggest a nice night out
BOB
I am so happy for you. My dad stopped talking with me last year. And hasn’t been there for me through all the life changing events this past year. (My first child, surgery etc) I call him every now and then, with the hope that one day he will Respond with love
Adult son living in his room, refuses everything
Wanting to give up
Helping a friend with mental illness has made me vulnerable
Advise needed....my head is too full of me!
Feel Worthless & Suicidal- Heartbroken 
