I just want this to end!

[Rainbow0415]

Hi I am new to here and this is my first post. I have not been myself since July last year, it all started with pains in my neck, dry mouth and hoarseness to my voice, I was constantly checking my neck and I felt little swellings in my neck, long story short I took to google and diagnosed myself as having something sinister, doctors sent me to ENT where I have had numerous tests, MRI, camera and barium swallow to be told everything is normal, doctors told me I am suffering with health anxiety. I then went down the Gastro route and had every test possible, Endoscopy, Colonoscopy, blood test after blood test to be told everything is normal. I was referred to the community mental health team in December and was started off on mirtazapine, aripiprazole and diazepam, I was scared to go down this route as I honestly believe that the doctors are missing something but I want to get better so I listen to the advice of the mental health team, after being on the above meds for about two weeks I started to feel better and like my old self but this was only for a period of about two weeks and then I started to feel awful again all the physical pain returned in my neck and chest. I couldn’t sit still because of the aripiprazole and the diazepam was giving me blurred vision, my whole concentration and focus was affected and I couldn’t function normally the way I used to, I weaned myself off the aripiprazole and the diazepam and felt better in a way that I wasn’t restless, I could sit still and my blurred vision had gone. My focus and concentration were still affected, I couldn’t think straight so after consulting with my Doctor and health care co-ordinator I decided to wean myself off the mirtazapine and try and get better by myself as I felt the mirtazapine was not helping me. My sleep has been affected by coming off the mirtazapine, I am waking between 4-5am and when I wake my body is burning, tingling all over and my hands and feet are clammy, I have been off the mirtazapine for about 5-6 weeks now and the doctor doesn’t think this is withdrawal from the mirtazapine as he thinks it would be our my system by now. I started on Fluoxetine about 3 weeks ago, I just feel like I am stuck in this big hole and can’t get out of it, I am torn between not knowing if this is all down to anxiety or if there is something underlying that the doctors are missing. For the past 2-3 weeks I have been having suicidal thoughts because I am so sick of all these physical symptoms I am experiencing, everyday I wake and I have the burning, tingling sensation it lasts throughout the day and although I feel like my body is burning, I always feel cold. I can’t think straight, I am withdrawing from my kids and my partner, I am not functioning around the house this is really getting to me, I just want it all to end. My kids and my partner are my world and I just keep thinking that I couldn’t bring them that pain and devastation if I were to take my life but each day is getting worse for me that I don’t know how long I can go on. I am in communication with my health care coordinator and I have told them how I feel, they are just advising me to carry on. I feel this whole covid19 situation has made me worse because I am stuck at home with the kids trying to homeschool but finding the past two weeks I am just shutting myself off and only getting through the day by watching things on Netflix. I accept that I am suffering with anxiety and now depression but the physical symptoms of the burning, tingling and feeling cold all the time is worrying me that there could be an underlying medical condition. Does anyone else experience these physical symptoms everyday? Thanks for taking the time to read, I just need help!

[Hidden]

Rainbow

You have had a massive tranche of tests and all has proven clear. You have also gone through a list of medications, some you have not allowed to work. You need to allow at least five weeks for medications to work well.

Personally, like your GP it seems like you are sensitized to your body sensations generally you are suffering Anxiety, sorry. There are many here, most people who will relate, sometimes I can worry when I have unknown health concerns so you are not alone.

What do you think all these sensations you suffer from ? I would strongly recommend you stop looking up your health concerns on GOOGLE, the problem with doing that will rush you down a pathway of fear and worry that will make you worry you have something bad.

You have been checked out, be pleased they have found nothing wrong

BOB

[Rainbow0415 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Bob thanks for your reply. I am drained with waking up every morning feeling this discomfort the burning, tingling and clamminess if I wasn’t having these symptoms I wouldn’t be worrying about my health, I feel like I am becoming more and more depressed now because of this situation. I have two young beautiful girls and a lovely partner but I feel like I am hopeless and no use to all of them in my current situation. I don’t want to end my life but the thoughts are becoming more intrusive because I feel so uncomfortable with the physical symptoms, I really don’t know how long I can carry on feeling this way😓

[Hidden in reply to Rainbow0415]

The problem at the moment everyone is caught up at home and find they have nothing to do. However with your children and Partner there are ways to move on in the situation you find yourself in

You can all go for a walk in a family group as long as the family are living at the same address. There are two of us with the dog, my Wife takes Pax out in the morning and I take Him out mid afternoon before evening meal.

You can also use your computer on Skype or contact family members on the Web.

You Tube is a massive resource to see various activities or programs, you can also use the site for education and a tool to keep your family busy. If you are lucky enough to have a garden you can remain outside all day, you do not need to remain inside.

We are lucky we have a garden and I look after an Orchard of forty trees and twelve fruits we are also opening up the vegetable crops this year etc So we are able to keep busy in normal type of environment. The dog however is missing His walks on the beach as we would need to use the car to get there

One thing that worries me are the sensations you are suffering from.

One or two of the concerns you have can be put down to lack of fresh air, the best way forward open windows and that may help. It is important your girls keep up to date with their studies. Do they not learn from their computers, Some Education Authorities are using sites on the web to educate the the students. Personally I do not find the situation we are in a problem.

To your concerns are very real, and that is what is causing concerns.

Please do not shoot the messenger it may be your tummy concerns may be constipation because of inactivity. That is one problem my household can relate to. Just a thought.

It is always better to look towards something simple before looking at complex solutions.

This time of year is a very pretty time with trees still out in blossom

People are really going through the same situation you find yourself in, we are stuck in an questionable place and everyone needs a release from the situation we find ourselves in especially if we are stuck indoors and we need some release from the humdrum

Keep a hold

BOB

[Rainbow0415 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your reply Bob, luckily in this situation we have a garden and we do go out for family walks when I feel up to it. My kids are getting on with their studies although my youngest can be a little trying at times. I don’t have concerns with my tummy anymore and I accept that the tests they have carried out are normal but with me not seem to be making any improvement I worry if there is something underlying somewhere within my body that is causing this anxiety and now depression. It’s the physical sensations that are causing my thoughts and then because I feel so uncomfortable with these sensations I just feel I don’t know how long I can cope with them. Just wish someone could wave a magic wand and put me back to my old self , before all this happened I have never experienced anxiety or depression before. Do you think the physical sensations are symptoms of anxiety?

The orchard sounds beautiful, sounds like a lovely place to keep busy. I am currently off sick from work been off since February and that is another worry to my mind that I feel I am not going to get better and be able to return. I am a really bad over thinker always have been and never been able to handle stress very well.

Thanks for listening Bob

[Hidden in reply to Rainbow0415]

Why have you been of work since early this year, that would mean you have been off from before the Lock down. Is your company still operating ?

Sometimes in my case I suffer sensations that are linked to my disability, I am taking D3 medications each day and also B12 injections every twelve weeks. Possible you could do with Vit D to help you feel more in line to the time of year. If you are worried about your health and needs that needs to be considered. The feel good factor comes into it. In my case after my injection if feels like ants crawling under the skin of my legs, I know the cause so I expect the side affect.

Keep your mind busy, hopefully that will help you move on, away from overthinking.

The Mind is a very strange thing and it can be that that causes the problem.

BOB

[Rainbow0415 in reply to Hidden]

I have been off due to this anxiety, I went off sick in August last year then I went back in November last year but was still struggling, I am under the care of the community mental health team and it was them who started me off on the first set of meds due to me being so constantly worried that I had something sinister going on, mainly thinking I had cancer. I was never this bad with the physical sensations before starting the meds. I felt like myself for about two weeks in January after being on the meds for a couple of weeks but then it all went downhill again and I don’t know why! So I went off sick again in February because I couldn’t cope.

Thanks for your tips and advice Bob

[Rainbow0415 in reply to Hidden]

Bob can I ask what you mean when you say if I am worried about my health and needs then that needs to be considered and the feel good factor comes into it? Thank you

[Hidden in reply to Rainbow0415]

My health is not that good and now they have found ways of part controlling my Disability and associated Mental Health, . I am nearly seventy and to be honest I cannot afford to feel bad, I need to understand my needs and expectations and run with them.

It is very important you control those negative feelings and move on. The main people who will help you understand your feelings so you can move on is your CPN.

However it all comes down to yourself, with the help of Mental Health that should make you well. It will all come down to you and those coping skills you should learn.

Mental Health can only suggest what you learn It is up to you to move on through your Anxiety, possible Depression

BOB

[Rainbow0415 in reply to Hidden]

Morning Bob

Sorry to hear that your health is not good, you sound really positive which is great! If you don’t mind me asking was your mental health affected due to your disability? I suffer with chronic pain but I have also had a lot of stress over the last three years what with family issues and also both my children not being allocated the schools which we chose, we tried to appeal on both occasions but was unsuccessful, this happened over a two year period and it really took its toll on me preparing the appeals and fighting for what we believed was the right choices for our children, only to be told unsuccessful on both occasions. I am not sure if the constant stress has just wore me down as I didn’t really make time for me throughout all of that going on.

I totally agree it is me that needs to try and get myself through this, I should have started CBT around the end of March but everything was put on hold due to Covid19 which hasn’t helped me to be able to get to grips with coping strategies. I do try distraction, breathing, podcasts and meditation to help me whilst I am waiting for the CBT. I just feel like I hit a point where I couldn’t cope with the physical sensations which were then causing intrusive suicidal thoughts, these thoughts scare me especially as I have never experienced anything like this before so I am constantly questioning myself and my thoughts.

But i understand what you are saying Bob, I know I need to try and control the negative thoughts, it’s just really hard to switch off.

I am hoping this lockdown is able to be lifted in a safe way, soon so I am able to carry out my CBT.

Thanks for listening and replying Bob, I wish you good health.

[Hidden in reply to Rainbow0415]

Hello Rainbow

Sorry you are going through such a bad time, I have a Reactive Depression with PsA a Chronic disability, I also suffer a Chronic Short Term Memory Disorder where I have to confirm my days prior.

What is causing you pain is this a Chronic or Acute condition, if it is a former Chronic condition you may be able to ask your Doctor if it would be possible to be referred to a Pain Clinic they can give courses and help you control your problem and move you on. They will also show how to control you taking of pain control drugs

My problems are also caused by family they are Narcissistic even after my parents have died my Mother was the basic instigator, now I am still dealing with Siblings and a Solicitor is doing that. Eventually I hope I will be able to disengage completely, again.

Sometimes we need to know when it is best to move on from what is affecting you. It is no good flogging a dead horse, you will just hurt yourself. Do not get me wrong I still suffer Depression, Pain and Memory problems. We need to be able to sometimes be able to get the habit of control all of our negative vibes.

I am in may ways lucky, I live out in the countryside, so generally this virus has minimal effect here, although we have had one case, in the early days of the virus, the hamlet is generally clear so we spend most of our time working in the garden.

I understand your Suicidal feelings although I on my attempt realized it was a mugs game and I am still living with the consequences after about fifteen years. You have your family and getting yourself well is one of your greatest incentives. Follow that footpath and that of your future Mental Health Teams will get you back on track.

Life is hard we are here too learn, and we cannot short circuit that learning. You need to live for others you love and move on for all your family

BOB

[JAMV in reply to Rainbow0415]

Hi Rainbow0415 i am going thru mirt withdrawal too 3 months now since dec and i too have burning sensation from head to toe plus loud tinnitus in both ears! I am going crazy. Pls tell me u are ok now. I really need hope that this nightmare will end

[Rainbow0415 in reply to JAMV]

Hi JAMV,

I am doing amazing, thank you. Please bear with it, there is light at the end of the tunnel. When you are at your wits end and in a dark place you don’t believe that things could ever get better, but they do, they really do! I went on to Fluoxetine after the Mirtazapine and these seem to really work for me, I also had 12 weeks CBT through the NHS which also helped me overcome my health anxiety. I returned to work in July 2020 and was feeling myself again, sadly in August 2020 I lost my brother unexpectedly, he was only 46, since the day of his death I have had his little boy living with me and my family, long story short but his mum is a waste of space and not been in his life for over 3 years, I know this sounds irrelevant but I guess what I am trying to say is that even after the shock and stress of losing my brother and all the stress I am dealing with to do with my nephew’s mum, court hearings and helping my nephew through the loss of his Dad, I can feel myself starting to become stressed, signs are telling me throughout my body physically but I guess the good thing is that because of the CBT I am recognising these signs and taking the time to do something about it so that it doesn’t spiral out of control. I am not worried about pain or headaches etc because I now now that it is all stress related. Being able to accept that your body is being affected by stress and anxiety is the first step to recovery. Also we need to learn not to worry about things that are out of our control.

Think positive, take time for yourself and don’t beat yourself up if you are having a bad day, it’s ok to not be ok!!

Hope you get sorted soon, feel free to message me anytime. 😊😊