I think I've been having 'one of those weeks' where everything feels rubbish and it's not the early nights that are dark. I know I haven't been concentrating or doing my best at work and consequently I've being stressing about whether or not I can do this job.
I'm also the type of person who needs and likes time to myself and I had planned to have a quiet weekend last weekend but due to various dramas involving my youngest sister, I had to play the big sis role and look after her for the weekend. That with the fact I have been really busy for the last couple of weeks has led me to being a bit irritable I think.
Yesterday at work I could feel tears welling up when someone (who was trying to be kind) was offering advice on how to be a bit more forceful and authoratative with people. These are things that I know and have been able to do in the past but I still can't quite get passed some kind of barrier where my inner confidence tells me 'enough is enough!!' I keep having brief moments where my mind suddenly drifts back to this time last year where I was in hospital having my appendix out and in a job which I hated and greatly contributed to my depression! I know there is no definitive cause, but I still feel angry that work caused me to feel so sad and temporarily (I say this because I won't let this be forever) ruined my life. As dramatic as it sounds, it really did, but I do now refuse to let it all beat me. I think that's why when I have low periods I feel like I've let myself down by not being strong enough. I'm just going round and round in circles!
When I got home last night I got in the door and just cried and cried until I eventually went to sleep.
Today I do feel a lot more relaxed, but I have chosen to sit in an area of my office away from too many people so I can disappear in my own world. Sometimes I like that, and sometimes I don't want to socialise. And, I don't care!!