Going down

[mynameisbecki]

I have been diagnosed with major recurrent depression and GAD since I was 15. Thats 21 years. I go up and down and it’s changed a bit over time. I am on Venlafaxine 225mg and that seems to keep me fairly stable except in times of stress which is when all my symptoms tend to flare.

I lost my Dad suddenly in April 19’ to a complication of Leukaemia when we thought he was recovering well and in the last few weeks my uncle died, unexpectedly on a flight home from his holiday. I don’t think that I have even started to grieve properly for Dad yet and now my Uncle going too. My Uncle was such a wonderful man and I think was really trying to be there for me since Dad.

I have become so much more fatigued. All I want to do is work (I don’t want to work at all), deal with my 4 year old after school, put her to bed and then go to bed myself. I work 9-12 and when I get home I usually go to bed for a nap until about 1500 when I have to collect her. Then she goes to bed at 1900 and I do too. I wake quite alot.

I have noticed that those creeping thoughts are coming back. What’s the point. I am worthless. I contribute nothing etc.... they lead to the all too familiar suicidal thoughts.

I have zero motivation. Getting housework done is a chore. I leave ironing until I literally have no choice. The house desperately needs a clean.

I feel empty and bored of everything. I quit the ambulance service as an EMT after 14.5 years after Dad died as I was suddenly bored of it and became a phlebotomist as There is no jobs for me to transfer my skills to, You have to have a degree or registration for everything health care related. I am bored already. I never have for filled my want to work with animals and I am struggling to break into that world. For various reasons. Finances being one.

My more disturbing symptoms are starting to rear their heads too recently. I start to overspend, like its making me feel better. Of course it doesn’t. I just keep buying things I think I need but I don’t. The most inappropriate symptom I exhibit is wanting to sleep with men other than my husband. I did this a few years ago when I was poorly and of course this ended in many problems. My husband somehow has moved past that but I never want to hurt him again. I get massive desire to find someone to sleep with. I don’t know why, I feel like I want to do something crazy, be wild. Not necessarily sex but anything wild with another man. I am pushing that feeling deep down but I dream every night, vivid fantasies.

I am highly functioning when it comes to my mental health problems and I don’t show many signs often. I am worried that I am spiralling downward this time and won’t be in control for much longer. When I approach my GP they just suggest I self refer to the local mental health organisation for CBT but it just doesn’t work for me. I have completed it before.

I am sorry about the rant, I just needed to vent I think. If anyone is still reading and feels or has felt anything similar to me it would be nice to chat. I don’t feel like anyone gets me at all.

[Tikirob]

Hey so sorry to hear about the losses you have suffered. I lost my mom and uncle last year in a span of a few months and just the same I felt there was not enough time to grieve.

It’s understandable you would feel out of it after such a devastating series of events. You probably have been doing some heavy reflecting on the past. I know that’s something I did it’s been about a year and I am just getting back to feeling some balance.

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becki

You need to discuss again with your GP, Make a list of how you feel and the disrespect you are showing towards yourself, child and husband. You may be on the way of slitting your family, if you husband feels He is unable to trust you sorry.

Death as you describe, your Father and Uncle need you to come to terms with the loss you feel, however I do not feel this is attached to the nature of your impulsive, dangerous activities that could show up in those people you love, in various health problems.

You can get Grief Councillor, You will also be assessed on your activities and why you are doing it. It seems you are very unsure of what love entails, you are looking for love in the wrong place, This is a condition, your Doctor will be able to arrange further treatment Pathways to help you, it sounds like you are not secure, possible that is why you act the way you do.

Have words with MIND on the internet, they may have ways of introducing some kind of support, however your GP needs to be informed, you are putting yourself at a real risk.

BOB

[Bonkersy]

You poor thing, you sound like me when stress sends me spiralling out of control into a manic state before the massive snow dive into deep depression.

When were you last seen by the mental health services? I really think you need an urgent assessment. It is possible that you need additional treatment to help you, and if nothing else your Venlafaxine may need changing (I'm on 375mg slow release)

Can you talk to your husband about your spending and inappropriate thoughts? ( I remember having that conversation with my other half, he was shocked especially when I told him I needed to declare myself bankrupt, but knew I was struggling)Perhaps he can go with you to see your GP, and reiterate your need to be referred back to the mental health services. You need to make it clear that you are considering suicide.

But finally, don't feel guilty, you are ill and asking for help.