Trying to deny what is real

One of the things I value more than anything else is honesty, I hate deceit. That makes this post so hard to type. When I was in hospital last year one of the biggest issues we processed was growing up in a family where my Dad and an older brother were pedophiles. Even typing that is hard. Unfortunately the first aid officer at the under 13 football team was also a pedophile.

I have truly forgiven them and they no longer have a hold on me. My dad and the football guy both died prematurely.

What I cannot shake though is the effect this abuse has had on my sexuality. I recall a time when I wondered if I was gay, even though I had never heard of homosexuality or understood it. It was a puzzling time because I liked girls too, even though I was wary of them. I think much of that wariness came from my Mothers violent nature. As much as she beat and burnt me, that was mild compared to the fact she shot and killed my grandfather in self defence.

I have been married 34 years and my wife knows about my conflicted desires. Desires, as a Pastor, I can never allow to be explored. I don’t think there is any solution. I suspect my psychologist was heading towards going with the flow and allowing my desires to be indulged. That can’t happen.

I don’t think there is a solution other than just saying no.

I did need to be transparent though and at least tell someone.

[LovelySnow]

That must have been really hard to do - to share what you did. 💖

[Hidden in reply to LovelySnow]

Yes. Very embarrassing

[LovelySnow in reply to Hidden]

Hmm. Embarrassing?

[LovelySnow in reply to Hidden]

Because, as a pastor you're not supposed to have conflicted desires?

[Hidden in reply to LovelySnow]

I think so. Plus it’s something I have to keep hidden. So many people look up to me and think I am so wonderful. They would be shattered if they knew. Last year after a botched suicide attempt a select few knew the real reason I was in hospital for 3 weeks and they were amazingly supportive, but this is so different

[LovelySnow in reply to Hidden]

What does your wife think about it? It may be good to talk it over with her. Wish I could talk more but I really should sleep (when writing a response on posts, I never know if or when someone is going to write back!). I hope to talk to you again soon, though. Goodnight for now.

[Hidden in reply to LovelySnow]

I don’t think I could talk to my wife about it. She knows something of it but probably not the full extent of it. She has been incredibly loyal and supportive. I think it would crush her if she knew everything

[Hidden in reply to LovelySnow]

How bout just being you, a human being , the unique you, you..no title, just you..im proud of you that you were able to talk this out, no matter who you are....please try and not feel embarrassed or anything in that matter..speak your mind..you won't find a much more supportive, understanding, mutual community than us on here..we are here for you, as much as you are for us..nice to hear from you..

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I guess I am stuck on the reality that it is part of my life I cannot give expression to. I won’t be unfaithful to my wife. I really wish people would have thought about the impact their evil actions would have on others but I guess a conscience is not high on a pedophiles list of considerations.

[LovelySnow in reply to Hidden]

It was still brave, and it sounds like it was important to you, too, to tell your story. I'm sorry for cutting this short. I better get some sleep. 🌒

[Hidden in reply to LovelySnow]

You are very kind Lovely Snow. Thank you. Sleep well

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I would never class that as embarrassing, I believe that these thoughts can be normal in abuse victims, do you have a therapist that you trust ?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I do but I think she wants me to go with it, which is not an option. If I had a relationship with a guy, even anonymously or casually it’s still cheating on my wife and that is something I will not do.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

The thing is, are you going to spend your life wondering ? I respect what your saying about not wanting to cheat on your wife, but what if going along with it makes you realise your completely heterosexual ? Or Bisexual Would that not be better ? I feel awful to say this but it might be the only way for you to find out. You were given one life to live, so far you were handed a pretty harsh deal, I think you owe it to yourself to put your mind at rest. If you do decide to go for it, just be safe and as far away from home as possible, get a throw away SIM card so you can destroy it whilst you deal with your thoughts. It's not your fault you feel like this, it's not fair to be trapped as a child and it's certainly not fair to be trapped as an adult

[JoanellaJ in reply to Hidden]

I knew a pastor who was gay he was healed and now he is a preacher.

[Hidden in reply to JoanellaJ]

Healed ? Was he ill ?

[Hidden in reply to JoanellaJ]

Wow

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

From what I know about rape is the body can react in ways that don't fit with your mind or terror, which can cause huge confusion, this may also be part of the reason for your curiosity

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I am sure it is not simple and is very much tied in intrinsically with the abuse. For instance intimate, non sexual relationships with guys significantly reduce my sexual desires. I actually don’t think that even if my wife died that I would get together with a guy because I don’t think it would work. People are very complicated

[hypercat54]

This is very brave of you and I can't remember a post like yours before on here. I have seen programmes about paedo's and was horrified when lists of crimes were read out.

However I came to understand that no one has the desire to be a paedo or that's their ambition when they grow up. Given your background I am not surprised you have these secret desires.

One thing I had never seen before though was an interview with a man who also had these secret desires but was never going to fulfill them coz he knew it was horrible and wrong. If there is one person like this there must be many more. You sound like a good person who is determined to do the right thing but I think counselling could help you to come to terms with it. x

[Hidden]

The problem Ozrick, if you are in the States I understand they are arresting many pedoes at the moment and if you come out with the problems you had in the past and the problems and fears you have now it may be problematic and cause problems.

It may be best way to discuss what happened when Young with your GP and get this sorted without bringing other Pastors in your Church into past hurts laid out by family members.

If you know in your mind nothing has happened by your hands, and you have learned from the past that what happened was wrong and you will not cause problems because of it, why tell. If your life now is not broken try and move on with help from your GP if needed

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I have no idea why someone would find children sexually attractive. My Dad lied about his age and went to WW2 at the age of 15. I can only imagine what he went through there in PNG. I have forgiven him and my brother. I do however not watch or listen to news anymore because inevitably there will be reports about child abuse and that will cause anger to rise within me.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I think the news has been a major trigger, abuse got swept under the carpet for many many years, suddenly the media are in a frenzy to expose it, sadly the victims are the last people they care about, they just want the scandal, there is no doubt in my mind that there are thousands of people who managed to get over abuse who have been triggered by all the news and stories of late, it's so sad.

[art62grammie in reply to Hidden]

Rape and sexual abuse to children are not about their attractiveness. It is about control. How could anyone find a 5 -old- child sexually attractive? The abuser controls the victim by rape or molestation. They are not attracted to them. I have researched all this. I too am a victim of childhood rape. From 5-11 I had been raped by my father. He was married to my wonderful mother for forty years. He raped my mother, my 2 sisters, me and my brother. That was his way to control us. The one thing that I will take to my grave. My mother will never know. She is now 82 and living. Dad died many years ago. He had a massive heart attack. I will take this to my grave. My brother was six years older than me. He rapped me also. He became like my father. Mom will never know. It would destroy her. My brother did at 44. He died five years before my dad. All these 18 years, I thought my brother died with a brain anyresum. However, you spell that word. Two years ago mom told me dad killed him. OMG! Still trying to wrap my head around this. BE STRONG AND YOU ARE HUMAN.

[Hidden in reply to art62grammie]

Thank you Art. That is horrendous. I recall when my daughter and son turned four and I looked at them totally baffled how anyone could hurt a child with fire or see them anything remotely sexual. I do believe my parents felt some degree guilt. Believing they did feel guilt did help me come to a place of forgiveness.

What you have endured is beyond comprehension. It makes me angry that such evil exists. I hope that today you have defied the odds and found some peace today.

[art62grammie in reply to Hidden]

I have and thank you. The crazy thing is that I was raised in a very religious home. Pentecostal was the denomination. My dad never drank or did drugs. He was a decon in the church and a Sunday School teacher. He was a very respected man to the publics eyes. No one would believe he was a rapist and murderer. Looking through a glass window people do not see what is going on in a home. You have to live there to know. My dad came from an abusive family as a child. He let that destroy him. It made him just like the way he was treated. I do not understand. If someone like my dad was hurt so badly. He knew what it did to him. Why would you treat another human the same way? He was for sure mentally disturbed. As far as your sexuality. I am no mental doctor. I have been in treatment for six years. I could be? I see you have children and a loving wife. It could be that your abuser was male. It made you wonder. My abusers were male. I am a woman. After 2 marriages one I divorced after 18 years. He was sexually abusive. I stayed too long. It was for my 2 kids. My second marriage went south too. Seventeen years he was abusive too. I am older and much wiser. I could completely hate men. I do not hate them at all. I have a wonderful man in my life know. He is nothing like the others. I would not ever be in a relationship like the others again. I have learned. During my mental illness years with Anorexia, men used me and took advantage of me. With my recent recovery, no one will ever take advantage of me again. I do not hate men at all. My doctor tells me women are sexual abusers too. Not as many as men. You take care. Be kind to you. Never feel guilty because you are human. You may be a pastor but not perfect and not God.

[Hidden in reply to art62grammie]

My sister got pregnant at 16 and married the guy because then it was what was expected. He was a violent drunk. She left him after two years but then later married another violent drunk. After he died from alcohol related illness she married another angry heavy drinker. It seemed she was so damaged she felt she wasn’t worthy of anything different. Fortunately with husband number 3 she influenced him and not the other way around. He became a nice guy. By his own admission he was an angry, nasty man. He died last year from alcohol related illness.

Your childhood experience was horrendous. I think sometimes people go into the ministry or psychology to try and help themselves. It is becoming increasingly common here in Australia for people to use mental illness as an excuse for criminal behaviour. It makes me angry. Some maybe mentally ill but not all. My childhood experience made me extremely determined to be a good dad, not one like my parents.

You are very brave and courageous!

[art62grammie in reply to Hidden]

Thanks again. I have fought so hard to recover from 40 years of Anorexia. I won the war. I know it will remain a daily recovery. I am just healing my mind from my past abuse. Remember I had repressed all memories for fifty years. This is the first time to deal with it and I am doing well. Remember, process and release. My mental doctor taught me that. We can not change our past. We live each day and move forward. It is healing the mind. I am glad that you replied to me. I make a vow to myself many years ago. To never be like my dad. I have kept that vow. It will always remain a promise.

[Hidden in reply to art62grammie]

I am fascinated by repressed memories. I had no memories of my childhood until I was 30. When the memories started to come back I was sure they could not be real. So I asked my siblings if they remembered me getting burnt and they all told how they remember me sleeping on my stomach for weeks and how the explanation they were told made no sense. After my Dad died we found in their belongings we found a cryptic note that was like a confession of something happening when I was 4. I knew exactly what he was referring to but didn’t say anything. My siblings would be crushed if they knew. I was always puzzled why the memories came back when they did. Last year a psychiatrist asked me how old my daughter was when they surfaced. She was 4. He said it’s very common. I don’t think you are a survivor Art. I think you are a thriver. Well done. You are a testimony to tenacity and courage.

[art62grammie in reply to Hidden]

I did not recall repressed memories until I was 53. When I started recalling a few flashbacks. I called my sister who lives 500 miles from me. I said am I nuts to her? What is happening to me I asked. How could this be real? She confirmed I was not just dreaming. She is two years older than me. She was never Anorexic. She has always remembered our abuse. She told me. If you remember it happening it did. WOW! I guess the mind is a funny thing. My one sister who is 4 years younger than me. She has always remembered too. She learned that I was recalling memories and said OMG! It is horrible. I know. We can't change it. So we deal with it. I was the only one of the family members who became Anorexic. The illness kept me numb for forty years.

[Hidden in reply to art62grammie]

It’s amazing how the mind has such inbuilt coping mechanisms. Well done for getting through such awful happenings.

[art62grammie in reply to Hidden]

Thank you and take care. We support others. It, in turn, helps us as well.

[Hidden]

Ozrick

Yes I can understand what you say regards those family members.

You have learned the hard way. Negative thoughts and past experiences with those, who are related can really upset the applecart. In my case it was a problem my Mother picked up from Her Family and My Father had His own problems from My Grandfather, He seemed to be cruel. The problem is past generations pass on what luggage they had with their childhood, they then mix up their children. I said when growing up not to be the same and I have managed to make my own life without carrying any luggage from past family members. However it is strange it has taken me becoming a Pensioner and my Mother dying six weeks ago that seems to have ended my problems, however I will be pleased when the Will has been read and can move on completely.

Keep a Hold

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Bob, I really like your closing words, “keep a hold”. That is very simple, yet very profound and wise.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

IMO it is the abuse which has caused you to have these thoughts and you are not really gay; it's just abuse confuses the system and this is very common indeed.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with someone who is genuinely gay and you can be gay of course as a natural instinct but in your case I am certain that the feelings are not actually gay. It is great you can talk about it on here.

I do not think that seeking something out in real life would be helpful in any way to you. You have a wonderful marriage. By talking about your feelings on here you have been honest enough. Now let yourself rest and forgive yourself for the way your mind has turned ; it isn't your fault and the feelings for your wife are much stronger and your true feelings of the non abused you.

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

Wow. Stilltrying you and I are on the same page. I agree that I am not gay in the usual sense. The abuse has effected me in many different ways. It is only last year that through intensive counselling that I could be in the proximity of men with beards or hairy arms.

Putting this post up was one of getting things off my chest and I wasn’t expecting any great wisdom that would solve the problem. I wish it would just go away. I am sure it is an emotional issue and not a sexual issue.

I have tried wishing my upbringing was different. That won’t change anything. I know some kids have had it worse than I did. I am aware that when I have increased my social circle that my emotions and desires improve. I am nervous letting people get close to me, that has to change.

Thank you so much for your kind feedback.

[Dessertmouse58]

You have to live with yourself.. can you? If a desire for example to really hurt someone emotionally or physically with out regard what it causing another human being is not an issue.? Can you live with yourself after the fact?

[Hidden in reply to Dessertmouse58]

I am not sure exactly what you are saying?

[Hidden in reply to Dessertmouse58]

I hope my post has not been misunderstood that I have desires towards children. Nothing could be more abhorrent to me.