Hi I am newly joined and could really use some advice.
So I am 35 years old and female. There is a guy at work who I used to work with and has always been polite and friendly to me. But one day he took me off somewhere private and touched my leg. I was too stunned to react because I was more concerned about why he had taken me off than where he was touching me. Also I was subjected to child abuse so I am a bit more wary when it comes to interacting with those of the opposite sex. And he told me he doesn’t want me to leave the company if I look for work elsewhere. He has also tried to stroke my back, out of my peripheral vision also look down my tops and look up my skirts/dresses (I was wearing work appropriate clothes) and staring at me and not caring when I caught him.
Anyway my coworkers have told me he has been asking them for my name and number and as well as this, has asked them to tell him when I am going to leave the company. I told a coworker on social media I was considering leaving and later on I went on this guy’s profile page and he posted this really unhappy photo of himself and said that he was sad.
Now I like this guy and respect him and my friends have told me that he says he misses me and he compliments me a lot...and I have to admit that I like him too.
But given the fact that he touched me in a professional setting, should I trust him, considering also that the guy who abused me as a child actually turned out to be a monster? And that guy tried to get me into an arranged marriage and take me away from my family to live with him and his other wives - at 15. It was not in this country either but he reacted very angrily when I said no to have sex with him and also no to marrying him.
I have already other strangers on other sites say things like “you sound like a child,” “grow up.” Etc but honestly, at my age, I don’t get attention from guys as such and I never went out clubbing or drinking when I was younger because back then I didn’t have many friends and I wasn’t single. Boys would ask me out on dates as a joke, I was seen as the most hideous girl they’d ever seen. I don’t think I’m pretty at all so this to me feels weird.
I mean, is my way of thinking messed up or is there some form of action I ought to take? I really don’t know right now.
Thank you
Written by
Butterflyshy
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Sounds like he's more obsessed with you rather than attracted, anyone with any sense of normality would just ask you directly for your number. Not to mention the leg touching and creepy peeving, ergh, I'd definitely inform the company of that just so they're aware, keep your distance with him.
Thank you, I am currently in a relationship too, I forgot to add, sorry. This guy criticises my partner and has told people he doesn't think I'm being looked after very well. I feel like I am going crazy to be honest.
He has been working for the company for so long and is seen as an authority figure as well.
Trust your intuition on this one. If his behaviour gives you red flags then run as fast as you can. The way he is behaving isn't normal, if he fancies you the normal thing to do is ask you out not keep touching you up and this is creepy. I wonder too if he has stalker qualities as they are obsessive.
Decide on a plan of action. If you do want a relationship then ask him to go out with you. If you don't then tell him to stop touching you and keep your distance. Do not be 'friends' as some people friendliness as fancying. If he doesn't stop (log everything) and speak to your boss.
Thank you, I am currently in a relationship too, I forgot to add, sorry. This guy criticises my partner and has told people he doesn't think I'm being looked after very well. I feel like I am going crazy to be honest.
He has been working for the company for so long and is seen as an authority figure as well.
My intuition is just so off at the moment with him. I mean, I like the guy enough to talk to him and be sociable with him, and I do find him attractive...but I am in a relationship and I can't go against that. He also knows I am in a relationship, too. My judgement is just so clouded.
Your life and decisions are nothing to do with this guy. He is acting like he is your mentor or something or someone very close to you. From what you have said he is just a work friend. He is behaving inappropriately and he needs to stop gossiping about you and stop his obsessive interest in your life. My advice is to tell him to butt out and leave you alone.
Firstly, and please please hear this ...... the guy at works behaviour towards you is inappropriate sexual harassment and if he has touched you without your consent, it is assault.
Please report his behaviour to a senior Manager or HR before it gets out of hand and make notes of what he has done, or said and the dates and times.
You say you "respect" this man! WHAT!!????
He is showing you ZERO respect, so I am confused how or why you say you respect him! This man IS a monster too (just like the man from your childhood) ...... you are perhaps feeling confused by his manipulation and charm as understandably, you are flattered by his attention. Make no mistake, he knows this and is playing games with you, (and your colleagues) please do not be fooled!
If I am being honestly, based on the information you have given, I am inclined towards thinking you may have very low self esteem and, as such, perhaps are either confused or afraid to assert yourself and put in strong boundaries,(about his behaviour towards you) or both!
I wonder, does your employer offer free counselling through an Employee Support Service? If so, I suggest you get some therapeutic help and talk through your past and the impact it has had on you.
If your work does not provide counselling, then look at what is available near to you or online, as lots of charities and support groups offer free or low-fee counselling.
You do not say what ethnicity you are, (I mention this as you said about the almost forced arranged marriage at 15), so perhaps there are special services in a local Church, Mosque or Women's group that might help.
You mention you have friends at work .... that indicates you are a lovely person that others want to be around ....... please try and see the positives you have and can give to friendships, and remember you deserve to be treated respectfully and kindly by others too.
Very few people actually think they are pretty or attractive (I include myself in this!) ....
We all at times, can be prone to magnifying our (perceived) flaws and being blind to our inner and external beauty ..... so to you I say, PLEASE look harder, you have beauty within you too!
Please keep yourself safe from this guy at work ....... he is behaving in a predatory and manipulative way and it will not end well!
I hope this helps you look at things slightly differently .....
Sending you a virtual hug { } and my very best wishes. Misty x
Hi there Misty and thank you. To answer your questions:
So I respect him because he has always been nice to me and has helped me look for work in the building and also knowledgeable in the line of work that we do.
I am a perfectionist and beat myself up a lot but I have not received any support for this.
I am a White British woman, the person who forced me into an arranged marriage was Turkish and their laws over there are very different.
Thank you, well, I don't really understand why he is doing this when I don't find myself very pretty. Because of my past abuse, my intuition regarding his behaviour is what I cannot pin down. Is he trying to be nice and supportive because I worked under him and he kept me on for so long? I have had someone else call him a "prat" and a "fat f*****" but this person, I didn't gel with because I didn't feel that she really liked me. So I don't really know what or who to trust.
I would speak to him first before having him hauled up to HR. He should definitely not be looking up your skirt or down your top. He does sound a bit confused. Too shy to speak to you directly and goes through friends but not shy when it comes to taking you off somewhere and touching your leg and being caught staring up your skirt. My instinct would be to keep away. Tell him to stop or you’ll report him. He’s going about it the wrong way. Sounds a bit creepy tbh.
Thank you, yes, my intuition with him is just so off and I think he knows it.
I mean, he knows nothing about my background with the abuse, and why should he? But he might see some sort of vulnerability there, maybe...? If I could read minds, I would know for sure!
Abusive people are very well tuned into others vulnerabilities and pick their victims carefully. You need to stop his behaviour towards you as this is clearly sexual harassment.
Yes your instincts are prob right. I think we should always listen to them, especially if they’re telling us to be cautious. How old is he? He seems quite emotionally immature and because of your history you prob would be better with someone less full on and clumsy. If people don’t feel they’re attractive they can be bowled over when someone shows an interest and this gets picked up on by the wrong sort. I’d work on why you don’t feel attractive and your low self esteem and then you’ll be in a better position to choose someone you feel you can trust and who’ll be sensitive to your past experiences. If it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t.
And if he carries on once you’ve told him to stop, report him!!
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Don’t know what to feel.
Mad Me
Am I being unreasonable..??
I am really really scared
