This time of year always makes me anxious

[Jess_0028]

So it's been a while since I was given the antidepressants which I guess have helped in a way since I haven't had a breakdown of any sort since but my mood can still be low at times or even sometimes I don't feel any type of emotion which sounds strange but that is how I feel at times. Considering it is Christmas time everyone always wants to spend time together and visit which is fine by me but sometimes it can get too overwhelming not just for me but those surrounding me like my mum is always stressing about being organised with gifts, cards etc. Every Christmas eve we go round my nans and the rest of my mums family is there so her two brothers and my four other cousins.

I've always struggled to communicate or be comfortable around my cousins since i was like 7 and I've been told that because their my blood there shouldn't be a problem with me talking to them but that doesn't change the way I feel. Two of them each are siblings making me the only one who's an only child and they are all older than me so conversations it's hard for me to join in like they each have or had jobs so they talk about stuff like salaries that I can't relate to cause I've never worked. Also stuff like alcohol and what they've drunk and what is their favourite and don't get me wrong I have had alcohol as well it's just they've had it to the point where they have gotten drunk and I obviously haven't. The biggest reason I struggle to talk to them is because they all live near each other and I live like 40 mins away from them so they know certain people in their area or who goes to their school who they talk about where I just feel left out.

When they all leave, because my family is always the last one to leave, I always feel emotional even when things did go ok and I did talk to them I can't help but feel left out no matter and the outcast of the family. People in my family haven't always understood that I struggle with social situations to the point that they start yelling or get upset with me for not 'talking to my family' and lowers my self confidence even more. I just feel like things are always going to remain this way where I feel I can just never be happy or people will always not notice me... I'm seeing two of them tomorrow that I was only told about this week which obviously I am nervous about considering not everyone is going to be there and things will be awkward between us. I just need help or more understanding within my family which I feel like I have never truly gotten even though I have discussed the way I feel with them multiple times..

[kenster1]

hi jess how did you get on with the family over xmas hopefully not to bad.

[Jess_0028 in reply to kenster1]

Everything was fine really the same old happened, I just felt like the whole day dragged cause there was nothing happening that I found that interesting. On new years day one of my cousins bought her boyfriend over which was really awkward and uncomfortable for me but no one was really even taking notice of him so it makes me wonder why she decided to bring him along in the first place.

That's all I can think of at the moment, how was your xmas?