20 year old college son hates me

[ruppet60]

I've just finished reading a post about a mom that was having big issues with her 19 year old. I feel so bad for her as I can relate so well. Hoping that I can get some feedback as it is really affecting me personally and health wise.

My son is 20 and is attending a college about 3 hours away now. While he was in high school, he began dating a young lady that had quite a reputation as a trouble maker and instigator. While I knew that she had these issues, I teach at the school as well, I knew that if I interfered, they would still find a way to see each other.

Long story short, by the end of high school, he had pushed all of his friends away. Friends that he had known since kindergarten. He was very well liked in school and had many friends until he started dating this young lady. By the end of high school, he had pushed them all away. That was almost 3 years ago.

He ended up attending the same college as she does and is now engaged to her. Over the past 3 years, he has gradually pushed ALL of his family away including me. We used to be so close and now he will not even give me the time of day. He is so angry at me for a situation that happened this past summer that caused him to lose his source of school tuition. I had encouraged him to open up a credit card in his name and use it for things that he needed at school only. This was help him to start to establish some credit. I encouraged him to be very careful with it. He then proceeded to send it to its limit I know that this is his responsibility and he is so angry at me for making him taking responsibility and having to pay his own tuition.

I forgot to mention that he has not been home since last December of 2018.

His girlfriend and her family live in the same vicinity as where they are going to college. He spends a lot of time with them.

I'm just not sure in which direction to go any longer. I'm so sad that our relationship has taken this unfortunate turn. I've apologized for things hoping that it would help but just keep getting the cold shoulder. I'd welcome any feedback on what your thoughts are on this issue.

I know that I can't make him talk to me but I also don't want to be begging for his attention. It is really taking its toll on my emotional well being.

By the way, I am seeing a counselor now. Hoping it will help keep me grounded.

Thanks everyone!

[PNIAuthor60]

The counsellor will in deed help you, so that is a good first step.

There is an excellent book called Mother & Son: The Respect Effect about the relationship between the two which may be of benefit to you while you are getting support from a counsellor. The author indicates that it is never too late to speak the language of respect that our sons respond to. It provides some good education and samples from other mothers and their improved relationships applying the book's instructions. The author is Emerson Eggerichs.

Perhaps in your counselling sessions, you will begin to grieve the relationship that exists now as it is often different from what we envision for our sons. I know that the absence of his relationship is hard, I remember it well, but respecting his choices is a good step as well.

I actually smiled that he's angry that you want him to be responsible when maybe what he should be angry about is your suggestion to get a credit card. Whatever, his anger is his own and you are not responsible for another person's behaviour. On the topic of responsibility, we both know that marriage comes with a lot of shared responsibility and like it or not if he is making that commitment, he will need to step up as a husband and perhaps one day aas a father.

Are you a woman of faith? I prayed my way through my own experience for peace of mind and consulted other parents with healthy relationships with their children.

He loves you, I have no doubt - sometimes pulling away from family happens when they are overwhelmed and confused about all the mixed feelings that they have about the people in their lives. Love him for who he is, not for who you think he should be - he'll know the difference and respond.

I wish you well.

[ruppet60 in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Thank you so much for your wonderful words. I really do appreciate such a lengthy and indeed thoughtful feedback.

Your advice is so welcome and just what I needed to hear from someone else's point. Again, thank you. I am a Christian and put a lot of faith in to our Lord to help both of us along

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to ruppet60]

Your welcome - God tells us in scripture (2 Corinthians 1: 3-10) that He is the God of Comfort and if you lean into Him during this time, your relationship with Christ will deepen and so will your understanding of His Word. Your insight into yourself and your son will be enhanced and the years ahead will be the best you've ever known, not without bumps in the road but your relationship with God and your faith will be your anchor. God's character is steadfast and He is faithful to His Word.

[Hidden]

Your problem seems to be a long standing concern and I can understand how you must feel.

The situation is awkward because now He is an adult and has become fixated upon this person and the more you push the worse things can become. Keep travelling down this pathway the more the alienation will become as will the upset and sadness.

Your Son needs to play out the situation He finds himself in and move on under His own steam, Try and convince Him to move on from this girl will just make matters worse

Move on, lick your wounds and be there for Him in the future, If and when your Son comes back try and not make matters worse, with an attitude of I told you so.

The more you try to intervene the worse things will become

BOB

[56artist_]

I can so relate but different reason 2 yrs ago my husband and I started divorce process it took a yr to finalize it so we are older but have a 16 yr old son together my son was always about dad never me he was brain washed by dad so I haven't seen son for over 2 yrs now he lives 45 min away he does not text or call he is all about dad so I know that knife in my heart still hurts but I had to let him go I was destroying me emotional and mental so to save myself I let him go it doesn't change my love for him but he refuses to communicate so I live on and will not let this destroy me making your son get his own credit card is ok he is now adult and needs to be responsible we can not enable our children forever or they will never learn

[ruppet60 in reply to 56artist_]

Thank you for the reply 56artist. So very sorry about your divorce and your issues as well with your 16 year old.

You are correct...we cannot enable them, or they will never learn disappointment or responsibility. I thought, as I was raising them as a single mom, that I was doing my best. I still do think I did my best and raised two confident, kind and grateful young people. I know that we cannot determine down the road how all will pan out but I believe that is where our need for control comes in. I've never wanted to be THAT helicopter parent and have tried my best to let them live life without me hovering. After my son went off to college, 3 hours away and did not need me any longer in the way that I think he needed me, maybe I got a little angry at that. And maybe it showed in different ways in how I treated him.

I don't know...I guess that I should be happy that he is living life on his own now and be proud that I was part of raising this wonderful adult.

Again, thank you for your response. It really helps to get the feedback from others to help put in perspective that I am not the worst mom in the world

[56artist_ in reply to ruppet60]

No we are not bad parents at all we raise them to be adults and prepare em for the next phase of life it is up to them to make choices and decisions we divorce after yrs of married and walk away after realizing we can not live this way we must think of our self now and children are stronger than we think they bounce back myself was sick of abuse so I am gone happy and well

[Hidden]

There is so many problems that can affect the dynamic of a family. My Parents, I feel was all down to control and initial regrets of My Parents and two female Siblings that took the side of my Mother when I now feel was resentful that in Her eyes was pushed into a marriage because of my immediate birth. Because of that I was brought up in all intents and purposes by a Surrogate family and also my Grandparents, where my parents seemed to travel this seemed to cause further problems with my home life. All started when I was three years old. Right through to me being a Pensioner and ill health

The other problem, again control was my Father who would confide in me the possible unfaithfulness of My Mother. This was to place me in a very hurtful situation. My Father seemed unable to confide with anyone else and that did not do me any favours with the females in the family. I have gone through that in the past so I will not go through the remorse and distress I felt. Also How quickly I needed to proceed into adulthood.

My Further education was not a good pathway to take and this caused real problems with my Parents.

My problems with family ended, and eventually made further problems for me and that after so many decades forced me to move on, without any interaction with all family members. The problem is anyone determined enough to find you they will, even though I would have preferred they had left me in peace. The whole set of problems with the past came back to the surface and now the Law in some instances needs to take over such a hurtful situation. In my later years

I can understand Parents feelings of sadness when Sons, or Daughters need to move on.

It is great if any problems become just past regrets and move on however, when children meet the coming of adulthood they will make errors. Adult Parents can see, possibly the errors being made. Sad to say it is generally best to let Adult Children make errors and Parents, when this happens be there to pick up the pieces. The early ages can be full of errors, the Child ?? Adults needs to learn from errors and move on.

Interfere, possibly repent at leisure, I made errors I let my parents dictate my life and interfere with every situation I found myself in. This just made matters worse. My parents and their relationships with me became that of control and unpleasant activities. This affected my wish for children. Life can be so profound

BOB

[Hidden]

I kinda hate to say it, but..maybe u need to step back and just let ur little birdie fully leave ur nest and hope his wings are strong enough to fly on his own.Your his mom and always will be, BUT sometimes they need to fall,get hurt and learn to fix themselves, otherwise one day when u aren't in this world..he will be lost and wont know how to "Fly" and that could be worse for him.Usually if it is a bad situation,the need to hit rock bottom before they see that everyone around them was right to begin with.

In the meantime.. try to think about "U" and what makes "U" happy. "U" also have a life worth living to the fullest. Also.. congrats on seeing a councelor

[ruppet60 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your reply! Yes, I have come to the realization that he obviously is not interested in making amends with me now. I've tried so hard.

I am taking care of me by getting more in to my art, which is a great therapy. I've come to the conclusion that although I do love my son, but I also need to love myself and know that I do not deserve the treatment that he seems to think I deserve.

Thank you again for your input. It means a lot!

[sittingwithfeetup]

Don't feel bad, I have a child who in times past was not speaking to me and was not speaking to her father.

A number of things came to mind when I saw this post. It brought up the memory of my mother pushing me to have a checking account during junior high and high school and college and with their obnoxious little service charges and with personal checks bringing out the abusive side of most cashiers, I ended up hating my mother for this and eventually told her, "I am NOT having a checking account."

As for keeping a credit card, I have found out that the world of finance requires lengthy discussions (which my daughter and I have had) and there are many classes and books attempting to teach everyone about the banks and about different types of loans and different types of banks. It goes on and on.

Your son needs to understand that you're not deliberately trying to destroy his life and I hope he calms down.

If it was me, I would offer some financial help along with some financial insights, but I do not know anything about your finances and I can't advise you on what to do.