It’s been a while

[alyssa410]

Okay. This is a little heavy.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this low. My last post here was 9 months ago when I felt like I was at the end of my rope.

Here I am again, not quite at the end of my rope but nonetheless the rope is weak. Things haven’t been great in my home life but they haven’t been horrible. Even when things are okay, I’m not. I struggle with so many different insecurities, inside and out and it’s tiresome. I don’t wish I were dead but I wish it could all be over. I wish I wouldn’t have the voice in my head telling me everything that’s wrong about me. I wish for one moment I could be content.

I can’t. Even when it’s quiet in my head, someone says what I already know and reassures me that I’m what I know I am. I hate that I’m so weak and I care so much about what others say. I can’t help but feel like I’m disgusting. Ugly. Gross. I talk to my therapist but sometimes it feels like things will never get better. I just want to like what I see in the mirror. For once I’d like to look in the mirror and not want to cry. I’d like to put on an outfit and not worry about what my body looks like in it. I’ve thought about buying baggier clothes, sweaters, sweatpants but where I live is humid all year round. I’m beginning to think the weather shouldn’t hold me back if the clothes would make me feel better and less seen.

I try not to self harm but lately it’s been hard. I hadn’t done it in a while but lately it’s been my only friend and my only refuge. My family would be so angry if they found out so I don’t let them. I don’t have any real friends and so often I feel like nobody actually cares about me and the people that do would never understand. Everyone around me has made fun of me at some point so how can I expect them to help me? How can they ever make me feel secure? I want to make new friends but I worry they’ll start to see me the way everyone else does.

I just wish I could be what I want. I wish I didn’t have to be this way.

[Hidden]

I have autistic boy - so most people ignore me and my son - I try to keep very positive but he is nonverbal and hard to encourage, learning disability. I wish the best for my son and no evil eye fall on him, as my brother would say. Family members are just the same - they try to avoid or ignore, us. I would say heart, soul and mind I think about my son and making his life better and that's how you have to be if you want success. Trying for success and any chance of happiness

[Hidden]

If you are having so many concerns and are seeing a Therapist , should be able to listen and advise your best way forward. If you feel you are having problems explaining your needs write out a list and show it to your Therapist, this will keep your discussions on a level footing so you will learn the best way forward and move on.

BOB