15 year old daughter worry

[Lilyvic123]

My daughter has always been very up and down from even a baby with her emotional swings.

Things now have reached a point where she is unbearable to live with due to how aggressive and nasty she is to all that are living within our home.

To outsiders she appears the perfect daughter. Beautiful, polite..lives in a lovely home..has her own horse, a lovely boyfriend and supportive friends. For me it's like a nightmare. She is aggressive towards me physically, swears, shouts, is violent....says terrible things.

My long term partner of 11 years is just about had enough. Her natural father has nothing to do with her apart from the odd phone call. He reported her to the police last year due to a minor incident involving his new younger children. She reported my partner to the police last month, as he tried to stop her from once again leaving our house at night, after not getting her own way on just basic stuff.

She has just been referred to Cahms.....after I took her to see the gp. I am worried for her terribly, but it's affecting my other two children and my relationship with my partner.

Someone suggested she could be bi polar. I have always put it down to just being a teenager, but looking at it now she has always been the same. Little sleep, erratic mood swings, even as a small child.

Am calling her school today to discuss as they are aware, but can anyone help or advise as I feel totally helpless to know what to do anymore.

Thank you

[sweetiepye]

Hello Lily, I have observed that children's survival depends on their parents and so they watch and learn and no one knows a parent like their child. Is there a reason for her anger? She may well have a medical problem, but it seems more like a family dynamic issue. Seeing a Doctor should eliminate some worries. . Let us know how it goes. Pam

[BikerChk]

Hi Lilyvic123,

I feel as though, reading your post that you had been stating something about my life...specific, my sister.

She was the same as your daughter, seen as the perfect child by those out of the house but the family knows differently. The difference, and I hope this has not happened in your family, my 'sister' (HATE calling her that) has tried to kill me 3 times. She has broken my jaw and dislocated it several times. I have many other long term body pains as a result of her actions.

It was my presence that I thought caused her rage...so I left. There is possible reasons why she aimed at it, namely whatever she did to me, my parents rationed away that it must have been my fault.

I KNOW in my heart, they (my parents) chose her over me. However, when I left she started telling lies about my father. She had even called the pice with a wild story of him having incest with her most of her life. This was quickly dispelled but what a horrible thing to do to the people who gave you everything.

They brought her to a number of medical people, including family counseling that I believe made her worse.

A suggestion of a family weekend away from home resulted in the last minute of her refusing to go. So we went anyway. The memory of the 'fun' weekend was overshadowed by the actions when we got home. There was blood on the porch (that never came out) she had a story of a crazed man keeping her captive in the house. Killing a puppy on the porch and doing unspeakable things to her. I believed NONE of it (and I suspect by parents chocked it up to one of her extensive lies but I was tasked with cleaning up the blood. So I became a disappointment to these people.

I have no idea how to help you in your situation. This is what I do know, by concentrating on her, how are your other children?

Make sure you go to licensed professionals to try to get your answers. It is a horrible thing she is putting your family through.

As an adult, my mother gets furious with her daughter but they end up making up and carrying on with their relationship. They both have narcissistic tendencies so perhaps Sweetiepye is correct, she was just developing the personality traits that let her and her mother form a bond that couldn't be broken, ever. Maybe your daughter is emulating someone close to her.

I always believed while growing up that my mother's daughter had borderline personality disorder...but perhaps I was wrong. Maybe it was the narcissistic personality disorder that she perfected.

I wish you the best. But look at the other people in the family and see if they or one person is taking the brunt of the anger. Perhaps they need more attention. If you give it to them, watch for her to turn on that family member. Then when she does, you very well might have a person like me. My childhood nightmares plague my adult life and I am continually trying to get away from that mess. I believe I succeed and then something makes me know I will never be free.

I hope you find a way out of this situation. I prevented one from occupying my adult life by not having children. You cannot concentrate on her without giving some of yourself to the others of the family as it alienates them. Look closely and honestly at all the relationships in the family or people close to the family.

You will be in my thoughts and it is my hope you are able to find the answer you are seeking. Just stick with licensed professionals, my parents were only capable of paying for non-licensed psychologists and social workers that fed her problem more than they helped.

I wish the best for you and your family. It is a difficult (to say the least) issue you are living with. I hope you can find a way out and help for your family.

BikerChk

[Lilyvic123 in reply to BikerChk]

Thank you very much for your time. She is now under chalms but says she could pretty much counsel them.....am waiting for first appointment.

Her father is a very posh nutter who has made her life and mine hell.

I just want a clear path to happiness and solitude for us all

Thank you and will keep you posted xxx

[blackcat64013]

Hi Lily,

I am really grateful you have shared with the forum.

I am no expert in family dynamics or psychological diagnosis (only a mental health professional is qualified to give one).

From my neighbor, I just learned her daughter has a psychological condition called Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short. One of the characteristics is the person struggles with their emotions. The person experience emotions much more intensely and has extreme difficulties with regulating those emotions and acts up.

Please see the referral to Cahms as a positive support for you and the family (not a sign that you have failed or a weak). This may be the chance to see a psychologist to figure out what triggers are responsible for the behavior and for your daughter to learn some coping mechanisms.

The school will have some counsellors available to assist.

Once your daughter has been seen by these trained support people, you might like to ask for a case conference so that a plan can be drawn up with all of the professionals involved (your GP might like to send out the invitations to meet in his office). It is important here that one person has the role of a key contact for you. Your GP ideally suited to the role as the gatekeeper. If not, perhaps a staff member from Cahms would be willing to do so. The best thing you can do is keep everyone in the loop.

There is no easy secret to success so I wish you well