My "Ironman suit" was crushed yesterday :(

I don't know where to start because a part of me was taken from me yesterday.

Ive tried screaming..but I cant

When I try to sleep or close my eyes I see my little buddy, my sidekick,my other limb,the one who has been by my side for 12 1/2 years NEVER leaving me alone.

Many of u will think its stupid and not understand.DONT reply to me with your nastiness because I wont reply and u wont get to me.

My little man was "Buster". I had him since he was 8 weeks old..and I knew he was the one.It took me a long time to find him.I needed to "have that feeling". Minute I saw him and how we connected.. I knew he was "right one".

Ive been in 3 MVA's and have ALOT of permanent medical issues.Some with no cures.The worst one is my "Dystonia".They twist me into positions that almost seem impossible,leave me like a statue, and I look like Im having a stroke, until I use my mm and then Im left with non working hands,legs,speach,my vision is bad,hearing off,cant think well,very severe pain and severe depression.

My little buddy would know when I was gonna have one before me sometimes..hed even let others in my house know to come help me. After I took my mm he would jump up on my bed ,push up against me and not leave my side..even for days,months,but to only eat and drink. When my severe pain would get horrific he would push up against me where it was and help ease my pain physically and mentally.He had no training for any of this.. he just knew how to help me.He knew things no one else knew because I don't do well with other humans..because they stare at me,pull there kids away from me like Im contagious,they are mean and don't understand what Ive been through. He did.

I spend most of mydays and time at home and in bed or laying down.He was always by my side.ALWAYS.

Many of u wont understand my bond with him, but I feel like a piece of me is broken and taken from me.Him and I had our own world.

He loved getting dressed up and would know when I came home with a new outfit in a bag. He would always greet me with a "Woo Woo" sound.. and I would call him Mr. Woo Woo. He loved everyone and would even have a funny little smile sometimes.

Smart is an understatement.. smarter then me and always looked at me with his big brown marble eyes, like he was saying"Mama Im right here..I understand.. we can do this together,Im not leaving ur side.

Yesterday I took him to the vet for what I thought was simple and was told to take him to the e/r vet immediately.I raced there and 7 hours later I had to say goodbye to my best buddy and my little prince. There was no choice.I sat with him in my arms and told him I loved him,mama loves you, and thank you for helping me live and being there for me.He didn't want to look at me. When his heart stopped so did mine.I knew before they did. I barely could leave the place without buckling to the ground several times.How I got home?? I felt like I wasn't driving.The loud music did nothing,I tried screaming in my car and couldn't.

I brought my little man home and buried him just before sunset with his bed,clothes and etc.I just laid on the ground not wanting to leave him.

My little Buster was under 20lbs,chihuhua,cairn terrier.Looked like "Toto" but with an apple head,long legs and thin.Everyone saw the "Toto" I didn't.I saw the perfect mix.My best friend,my buddy,my other limb.

He helped me to live each day when some days I couldn't see why.My "Ironman suit" had him in it.I always said I had an ironman suit to protect me from the outside world of other humans meanness and stupidity.Inside the suit was the broken me just keeping my head held high and always telling everyone Im tough..Im fine.. when I never was.Im so afraid of having an Episode..he wont be there to help me through it and be there till Im better and through it..No human could do that for me, even though MANY have tried.

I know "Ironman" is fictional, but when u wake up daily in 24/7 severe severe pain pain mentally and physically, n just bandaids (mm) and no cures for whats ailing u and ur only help,love of ur life isn't there today..what do I do.I cant fly away like "Ironman" my superhero powers are gone to shield me.My lifeforce is depleted.

I also woke up to my Tracphone ..with no "Camera" pictures.My screenshots,downloads all there."Camera"..gone with all his pics.I only have one in a frame.Im heartbroken.

Sorry Hippolove1 cant help anyone today..I cant help myself and cant stop crying.

Hold ur little buddies close and cherish every moment like I did..with yours.

Ironman died on screen..mine died in my heart.

I love you Buster..,my booboo,my wowoo,mylittleman,my misterman, my heart,my breathe.Thank you for helping me to live each day and see u and ur beautiful eyes .My heart goes with yours.Sleep my little prince.Heaven has you now.Ill see you one day and Ill hold u in my arms again.xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

[kenster1]

hi hippy that's heartbreaking for you god bless wee buster so sorry to hear that.heaven has another furry friend as I say.been in that situation at the vets myself and its hard to go through.take care and here if you need a chat.

[Hidden in reply to kenster1]

Thank u my friend means alot

[Hidden in reply to kenster1]

I will definitely take u up on the chat .

[Humanintraining]

Oh Hippo, condolences. It must hurt so intensely. He must have meant so much. Take care of yourself. Find solace in your friends and family. Don't worry about helping others for now. That you think of others at this time, is admirable, but now isn't the time. Focus on yourself, take all the time you need. Best wishes x

[Hidden in reply to Humanintraining]

Thank you new friend means alot.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

All my friends r here,family doesn't understand my daily struggles.

[Humanintraining in reply to Hidden]

The love people place in a pet, can not be understood by who has not leaned on one in the same way. A pet's love, is unconditional. It's also, irreplaceable by another, just like a lover or a friend would be. Not understanding is a lack of insight you can't fault them. You'll get better in time. You'll process this. He had a good life, he died painlessly. He's not suffering. He no longer can. You're the only one in pain. Let that be comforting. *hug*

[Hidden in reply to Humanintraining]

Thank u all ur words help n the hug much needed

[Humanintraining in reply to Hidden]

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal.”

- C.S. Lewis

[Hidden in reply to Humanintraining]

Thank u for that

[Zanzibar4]

Heartfelt condolences I am so sorry for your loss xo

[Hidden in reply to Zanzibar4]

Thank u

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi hippolove1,

We are so sorry for your loss and are thinking of you at this difficult time. It is lovely to see this caring community coming together to support each other.

MAS Nurse and Moderator

[Alliea79]

Oh... I cannot say I am sorry and sad enough for you. Mostly because I well know, I can say every word or combinations of words countless times and it can’t change a thing. I know this too well. Since losing my heart, my French Bulldog, Bob a few months back I am going through what I guess are the traits of grief. Mostly though, my instinct is denial. He was all you described and more, as I’m sure you “get.”

I’m really not able to keep typing. It incomprehensible.

[Hidden in reply to Alliea79]

Thank u for ur reply.Sending a huge hug to also help u. Its tough.. only people who had that love get it.

[Lostmyself65]

My heart hearts for you. I am so sorry and I say this with tears in my eyes for your loss. Wish you much peace and comfort.

[Hidden in reply to Lostmyself65]

Very much appreciate ur reply. U never realize how much u love something until its gone

[sweetiepye]

I am reduced to tears because I understand that kind of love. Two beings who would do anything for each other and never judge . The great thing about dogs is their ability , their need to serve the people they love. Buster must have felt very necessary to you , dogs know when they help and how to help. The more you love them the harder it is to lose them, but I think they are worth the price you pay. Remembering Buster, bless him. Pam

[Hidden]

Pam.. thank you.. What has helped me the most is everyones support right now.Its priceless to me.

[SusieJo1948]

Sorry it's like losing a child you never get over it. When my son died it broke my heart. He died2007and to this day my heart is. Still broke So yes I know how you feel. Susie