Ive had a terrible time with my 23yr old son for many, many years. From toddler til now, he is still oppositional, defiant, you name it, hes thought of the lot. The most contrary person on earth. From age 16, he stopped going out as too many hooligans about and gangs and he would get chased off the street with his mate while all they did was play football. He says I brought him up poofy. By that, he means i didnt teach him how to be tough and nasty. I dont like trouble and dont want him to hit, nor him to get hit. We lived in a rough area where nobody cared what their kids did apart from me and I watched him religiously out the window for many hours which drove me mad in the end! 11 hellish years I spent there, no one wanted my place. Anyway, back to now. As he stopped going out and his mate stopped coming in, he has since had no one to mess around with and talk to. He has 2 younger brothers which he is ok with. The thing is he has always tried to be in control of everything and all of us. He wants things he knows i wont buy him so now hes saying I will allow you to control me at age 23. I can see his mental health is bad now, he stays in his room and plays internet games, doesnt even go in the garden. He says the more people tell me to go out, the more i will stay in, said that since age 16 when professionals tried to help me. He uses emotional blackmail on me. If you wont buy me a certain thing, (which Id rather not say) then i will eat less and less and if you dare to get Drs here I will make myself suffer even more. He says when he is wound up, depressed he deliberately plays games to lose and makes the most out of the humiliation when people post his game losses on other sites and youtube etc. He says things like he will make himself suffer. That he wants to be 100% happy or 100% miserable. He thinks Drs are con artists that they just smile and say nice things but that he is the clued up one and thinks everything through and dont just repeat what others say, that his thinking is unique and well thought out. He thinks psychologists are for soft people that are easily fooled. He now says things like I want you to hate me, the family too, he wants me to throw him out, and let him starve. I know that this is all words to get what he wants and he hates being told no at his age. No matter what his age was, he never did like the word no and always rebelled causing me a lot of grief and everyone else around him. He hates being controlled, yet no one is. He thinks work is for hired slaves and school is prison for kids. No matter what I say, he has a clever answer for everything. even at school age 12, the education psychologist said at a meeting, we all know we shouldnt argue with kids, but i found myself having a standup argument with him for an hour! Thats how smart my son is, he keeps it up for hours and you will tire before he ever does. Hes no different from when he was 3, hes just older and thinking up more stuff. Ways to manipulate me. He used to go mad, scream and smash things in his teen years, knowing full well that that equals neighbours knock and shout and sweat at me over his behavoiur. He has me hook line and sinker. I will never throw him out, he wouldnt have a clue how to look after himself. I do everything for him. But his mental health is not good and it wouldnt be, being stuck in his room for approx 7yrs. I get so nervous and anxious when Ive spoken to Drs about him and got one round a few years back. It was a terrifying 4hrs wait waiting for Dr to turn up, he was kicking off, shouting etc while I look out the window waiting for the Dr and/or neighbours or police to turn up cos of his noise. I get completely stressed out and have no confidence myself and fear neighbours getting on my case about it. I fear that if I get a professional around, I wont hear the end of it and again it will drive him crazy and myself as he dont give up the fight and can keep it up for hours. He says help with what, hes happy being in his room being left alone. It dont look like it as he dont stop talking about the past and how that drives him mad thinking about it. Says the only way to be happy is not be around people. He said animals dont f... you up, only people do. That animals dont suicide, but people do cos of what people do to each other. So to be totally alone is the best thing for him! Even when young, when he really wanted to do something like go to an amusement park, if it was my idea, he wouldnt go! Its been one big battle and neither of us have won any. I told him that if you dont have discipline and rules, you have chaos. Im not controlling him, hes controlling me as always. He wanted a dog when he was 16, I said no for a year, but felt sorry for him being all alone in his room and I knew he wouldnt stick to anything he said he would do for the dog, but got the dog as a companion for him. He doesnt let me finish any sentences, he says i know what u r going to say. Ive tried to not say anything for a long while to keep the peace, but feel that that is wrong too as he must hear me speaking to his brothers and laughing and joking with them etc. But he is impossible. I am very worried about the state of his mental health. the dr that was here a few years ago, said that hes not sure if he is in charge of his thoughts, or if he should be sectioned. I was under the impression that you only get sectioned if you are a danger to yourself or others. Neither is the case though. Hes clever at manipulating, always was, he dont look right now. My head is telling me to get him some serious help whether he wants it or not, but he is ruling my heart as I would hate to see him carted off against his will if they thought that is what he ought to have. And even if they did section him, and give him drugs, unless they keep him there permanently which is something that I would never get over, he will only come out and go back to exactly how he was but worse just to teach me a lesson to leave him alone. He is determined to do the complete opposite in any situation. I have never known another like him. Im at a loss. I suffer from panic attacks and depression myself, but for me, I know its a matter of time, like a month or so, then it passes and Im ok again. I deal with my own issues by just doing the least I can get away with each day, crying helps get it out of your system, but I have to carry on regardless. I dont eat much myself as Ive been depressed for approx 15 years or so, mainly down to past neighbours who really got me down. But Im not worried about myself, Im always okish in the end, but what do i do about my son? I cant let him carry on living his life in his room, no sunlight on him, no exercise, nothing but the internet. He says hes happy doing it. Its not healthy for you though. He dont want people to see him, thats lack of confidence not having been out the door hardly in 7years. Under 16yrs old, I couldnt keep him in, football mad, loads of birthday parties, always round friends house, everyone loved him, he had a whacky personality, well liked, cheeky, funny, the class clown. He claims that kids are brainless and things are put infront of them to do, that he knows if he would like something or not before trying it. That if he had his time again, he would sit only infront of the internet and not have had friends! That it is wrong for parents to try and make their kids do things! I never forced him to join football, he wanted to, nor did i force him to go to parties or have his own, he loved it, all of which he now denies. Hes now saying how would I like it if he took my fags away! I said but you cant do that as its my house and you live under my roof. He said but if I did, I can see how you would react to being told no you cant have something. I said but you are my kid, even tho you are not a kid and no matter what age you are at any time, you have no say in what I do in my house! I said if a friend says i cant smoke in their house, then i have to go outside and smoke, he said, and you put up with that! I said yes, its their house, their rules! Theres miles more to this, but I think most of you will be asleep half way thru reading! I am at my wits end and have started feeling sick again which happens when im stressed and worried and now have a cold sore too, headaches are coming back also because of the state of things, just scared stiff to go against his wishes, but I know deep down that I should. He said so you are trying to change who I am, and if hes on medication then he wont be the same person! Answer for everything. Everyone has said who I know personally get him help, what am i waiting for. Its not them that has to deal with the consequence of him going crazy and never shutting up through the night that has to deal with it, they carry on with their happy lives and Im on my own with him. Hes not voilent and dont threaten to be, but the non stop crazy talk that he does is enough to drive a psychiatrist crazy. Its a bit like a rambling drunk, that dont stop repeating themselves for 12 hours a day. By the way, he dont drink or take drugs at all.
Please, the last thing I want to hear right now is any putdowns, or that Im bad for not getting him help, (Ive tried many a time in the past over the years), that will further depress me, and believe me, that wont leave my head for many months and worsen the problem. I do want him to be helped, but how do I go about it? I cant handle the state he gets into when he starts, he has no idea the affect he has on me, but Im sure he cant help it either.
Thanks in advance for any replies.