we came to wales in 2005. me, my hubby, my 2 sons n a sons univited (n in all honesty unwelcome) girlfriend. we had bin homeless, in a hostel for a year due to rascism. wont go into that here, petty by comparison. beautiful home, beautiful village, mountains, sea, countryside, finally felt things had turned around, then i found i was pregnant, life was really lookin up 
at 25 weeks n 1 day, my waters broke. the fear was acute. we drove to the hospital, me full of fear n hope, dunno how Jim felt, he was old school, nothin mattered but his family, no way wud he show his own fear. Got to the hospital, clearly remember noticin the nurse sniffin my leggins, makin it sure it wasnt urine i suppose, she sed to me, if it was 1 day earlier, we wudnt try n save him, it wud be a miscarriage....WOW! anyways, sent to singleton, put in ward 18, remember them sayin a baby hadnt made it, i was born on the 18th, knew then that wud b the outcome, death, but we hope endlessly dont we? got sent home, told to take it easy, so i did, trouble was, their idea of takin it easy was bed rest, my idea of easy was givin up community care.
My sons girlfiend fancied herself a wicca witch, she didnt like me, (ditto) she left broken egg shells everywhere, put dead flies in my fav food etc, i kno she had no effect, but i kno she thort she did, n its the thort that counts...slag....anyway, got took back in to hospital, they wanted to do a caesarean, i didnt want one, wanted him in me for as long as possible, was havin real strong draggin pains, they didnt examine me, just kept checkin my belly n sayin i wasnt in labour, a doc came to see me, i told him, dont want a caesarean, want to keep him within me for as long as possible, he sed i had a diseased womb n my son had to b born asap. No further info.
Next mornin, went for a poo, pushed n felt my son, pushed the call button, all hands on deck, rushed me to the labour ward, his little feet were already born, kickin n strugglin, a load of students came in, all exclaimin, ooin n aahin, they were gonna give me jn injection to induce labour, then saw i was pushin without it, 'can u deliver him?' 'yes, i'll b gentle' so they let me. Oh God he was so small, knew wen i saw him he wudnt make it, too small but we always hope dont we? !lb 6oz. Went to see him asap, a student nurse sed, ur the mum who was havin a caesarean this mornin arent u? Was I? Didnt know. Anyway, cut thru the pain, he died in my arms 3 days later. Wen he was buried i noticed his grave wasnt dug right, his restin place was out of sync with the other graves n very shallow, he wud b buried beneath his headstone. My husband couldnt bare my grievin, told me not to mourn, it upset my sons, cudnt keep him at home my sons cudnt bear his little cold body in the house. My eldest came to my room n touched his head tho, So brave. My baby looked so like his grandfather, already passed on. So hard, so hard. Still have his blankets etc in the bag they give u, cant bear to unpack it. Stage 1.
Being good or a fool?
Search for the hero inside herself.
I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM X
