Does this sound like Depression?

[Blueman42]

So I don’t know where to begin with this, I guess my first memory of feeling really low was on Christmas Day 2009. We were at a family gathering and I was the youngest member there, and just sat there in silence, not connecting with anybody or having anything to talk about. That day I really felt like I was on a path to failure.

Fast forward to the current day. I have a full time job, which I actually left about a year ago, to go to a job I wasn’t really excited about. I lasted a week in this new job, at which point halfway through the week my own self belief told me that I’d never be competent at the job. So I quit, and went backwards, back to my old job. This decision has haunted me ever since and I really feel as though I’ve blown my big chance for a career.

Furthermore, I don’t really have any friends. Maybe one and a few close work colleagues, but that’s it. On a weekend I sit in my bedroom at my parent’s house, playing video games and listening to music. But only when I’m feeling ok. Often, I’ll randomly hit a point where I start evaluating myself and the failure that I have become, to which point I lose all interest in any hobbies that I have. I used to go to watch my favourite sports team every week, but for the upcoming season, my interest has totally waited and I don’t have any desire to continue that particular hobby.

When I feel low, I feel really crappy. All I’ll feel like doing is lying in bed, listening to music. My mind is filled with negative thoughts, and of how much a failure I have truly become. This has become even worse recently, as I have withdrawn myself from social contact. I have removed myself from social media, informed my family that I do not wish to be considered for gatherings, and I make a point of getting out of the house if I know that visitors are attending. I do this because I don’t want them to look at me with pity, knowing full well what a failure I am. They have no idea of what to talk to me about because my life is so dull. When I go out, I go on random drives to just anywhere. Music on loud in the car as a way to escape my thoughts and any awkward experiences.

Another reason that my situation is affected is that for the last two years I have been trying online dating. My last relationship broke down after my ex girlfriend cheated on my multiple times, and since then I have hand plenty of dates, with a steady flow of rejection-after-rejection. Each one hurts, really, really badly. This often starts off an obvious depressive episode. I have tried having a break from it, before re-attempting it again later on but with the same results. Girls just do not see me as an attractive prospect, and I do not feel at all confident that I’ll ever achieve my ambition of marriage and having a family of my own one day. I actually met a girl through my real life not so long, that I truly felt our meeting was fate. Upon asking her out for a drink, she agreed, but then ghosted after telling me ‘she’d let me know when she’s free’.

So to cut to the chase I’m fed up. Totally fed up. Fed up of constant failure and rejection, fed up of this boring non-eventful life I lead. I just really don’t understand my purpose for being here, because any time that I try to make a positive change I get shot down. I’d never do anything drastic, as I couldn’t put that on the family. It’s just that I just don’t see this ever changing, I’m in a dark, dark hole at the moment and I feel totally stuck in my life.

Any advice is much appreciated, but please, don’t hit me with ‘go out and meet new people’ etc, because I just do not have the confidence to do those kind of things.

[Blueman42]

Apologies, it was actually meant to read “to go into a job that I WAS really excited about”.

[wileykitt]

It sounds like you may be depressed. Self doubt and lack of interest in things that use to interest you is common. I think letting things out does help. Finding someone to open up to is hard. I too have felt many of the things you described. It’s not easy, and sometimes getting it all out can help. Have you tried to find a therapist?

[Hidden]

My early years were tentative with my family members, I suppose i was brought up by family who had great expectations of me and this just made matters worse as my Siblings were brought up in a more liberal environment. I was lucky I had people around me who were able to excite my interests in things that would expand some very unusual interests.

Yes I understand this may not be a positive attitude of some parents, although I was even then told children should be seen and not heard. my Siblings did not suffer same restrictions this however made matters worse. Therefore it is important you look out for diversions in your life that I was fortunate to achieve with other peoples help.

Look for activities you enjoy, if you can undertake something like that with family so much the better, this should be now possible as you are now getting older and your expectations should be now greater.

With my interests I start visiting places, like Houses, castles museums end of March and continue end on October, over the winter I read up what I have done over the past months. I am not saying that you have the same interests, what I am trying to suggest if you have a passion, go for it you will meet other like minded people and make friends accordingly, many of those new friends will be associates, friendships can be really quite rare. However your interests will take you to places more positive in nature and you will enjoy what you are doing, this will help you make informed choices and give you some types of support through your daily life.

I do not really understand your past and what is going on in your life, or if you have a Depression or Anxiety, however all I say is look and move on, look forward not back you deserve to be happy and it is all down to you to find the desired way forward.

I am now beginning to forget last week because of my Short Term memories disorder, I have all the Guide books to shuggey my memories and that is what I am doing now.

Be positive with your interests and move on away from any negativity you may be suffering. Yes talk to your GP make a list of your fears, there are pathways you will follow given assistance, remember you are becoming older, in Adulthood dictate your own future and not allow others to make that for you

BOB