My mind is ruining my life

[Imaginator997]

I honestly am having trouble expressing my feelings and emotions. If you saw my other posts about my suicidal ideation you'll know I was not sure where the thoughts were coming from. I spoke with my therapist about these thoughts and she said that the thoughts could be coming from my worries about the future and life itself. And I think she was right, in the moments before my thoughts about suicide and killing myself, i would often think that I am worthless I have no skills, I have no talent, I have no background and ultimately that I am already worthless. Then comes the thoughts about the future, I think about college what career path i would choose, I then would think about the ingredients that lead up to the career. The work, the context of the work, the complexity of the work all of those ingredients. I think about whether or not I would be able to do the work, I think about when the work may get challenging, and all that is going to happen is my mind is going to tell me to give up, it is going to tell me that I am not worthy, it is going to tell me I can't do this challenging work. And people usually say to go get extra help for the challenging work, all I can think of is the criticism, I have gotten criticism in the past, most recent one being my 12th grade research paper. When I got the criticism all I could think about is how I am a failure why couldn't I do the paper right and ultimately I thought of suicide as a way out of that mess. I mean I took the advice and adjusted the paper and handed it in. Ultimately I got a 92 on the paper. But that is not the point, I want my mind to stop ruining everything for me and making me feel like crap. People have told me millions of times coming from family and therapy that I don't need to worry about my future. Despite this though I can never follow that advice as mind my mind takes over and tells me of the worse that can happen. I also struggle in public places social situations, things of that nature. Whenever I walk into a public place such as a store or pizza shop, I think people are staring at me I think people are judging me. I think of everything that could go wrong. Sometimes I feel like avoiding the situation completely. At the end though everything went find, but not in my mind, My mind has already caused a bunch of stress and feelings and all sorts of crap. I am also intimidated by other people and what they are doing, and feel inadequate to them, I don't think I could even congratulate someone properly on their accomplishment, I may do it but I would feel awkward and ultimately my mind would be creating more stress on myself. From what I am saying is I think my mind is creating a lot of stress and discomfort on me and as a result I look at suicide as an option, especially since starting cat therapy it has become more of an option. The reason being is the therapist said that cbt requires a lot of effort on my part and ultimately the way my mind works has taken over, it will take to much time and effort to change that I am willing to put in. I just see death as an easier option than life. Shame to because I still look forward to certain things in life. Anyone else feel like this.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Imaginator997. So sorry that this situation continues for you. It sounds like you are getting a lot of help from your medical professionals and your parents. You say in your last post that your doctor increased your medication so this may well take time to have its proper effect.

In the meantime please use this link if you need immediate help in an emergency.

shawmindfoundation.org/supp...

Take Care and don't give up hope.

MAS Nurse & Moderator

[JoanellaJ]

If u read the book called Hope Prevails by dr. Michelle bengston it will help u. Im reading it now and she helps us to understand depreseion.she suffered from depression as well.. u are not alone. Yoy are worthy..u are beautiful..im sure u have some talents..we all do!!! Take care and qll the best to u.♡