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non consensual, drunk sex and his consequences on my mind

I am shocked by what happened to me and after some time I am able to talk about it. I went to a party with a boy I slept with a couple of times- so our relationship could be defined as friends with benefits, as we were in fact friends but we also had sex- and a small group of boys, his friends, that I didn't know. He was gone for the whole party talking to some other girl and we got completely wasted. I was so wasted that I don't remember much but crying and screaming "I am so drunk I am so drunk" and laying on the ground. A friend from the group- so not the boy I slept with a couple of times, who by the way was there in that moment and could have stopped it- took me to his place and we had sex, even if I was unconscious most of the time, and I know this for sure because at some point he took off the condom and I would have never let this happen if I had been conscious of what was happening. The morning after I woke up with the biggest hangover but still had sex with him, took plan B and went home.

Now I found out that I have bruises on my butt, and there was a condom stuck inside me. My vagina feels like burning and I have a white thick discharge that looks like sperm, but I guess all of the sperm should at this time be out of my body. The boy admitted to have "taken advantage" of me being that drunk. I really don't remember what happened, I don't remember taking off my clothes or shoes but I can feel his weight upon me penetrating me. When I try to have intercourse with a regular partner my vagina doesn't allow me to do that, it starts burning, itching and it leaves me pain so I have to stop the penetration. I don't know what to do and I'm going crazy. I can't stop thinking about this, feeling ashamed for what happened and I'm afraid I will never enjoy sex again, as I fear I may have developed a vaginal inflammation, an infection, a STD or that maybe plan B didn't work correctly because the condom was stuck there for days. Please, somebody help me.

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First off....this was rape. Having sex with an unconscious person is rape. You say you had sex with them again the next morning while hung over, that was consensual. But it does not excuse the rape the night before. Leaving a condom in you was unbelievably irresponsible, and then you say you feel like you have contracted an STD...have you been diagnosed with any, or are you currently seeking medical help with your existing symptoms. You need medical treatment as well as therapy as you probably are experiencing PTSD.

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You t need to get yourself checked out for STD. Yes he did take advantage of you so its up to you what you want to do about it. It was irresponsible of you to get drunk but it still was rape on his part that first time. The most important thing is don't go getting drunk like that again and make sure your sexual health is ok by getting it checked out at a clinic.

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It wasn't irresponsible of her at all as surely we women are as entitled to get as drunk as men can without being raped? It isn't wise maybe as unfortunately we aren't safe but we are not in any way shape or form ever to blame when a man commits rape. Saying the poster was irresponsible is putting some of the blame on her when that isn't the case at all. Leave the blame where it belongs - with the rapist.

And he didn't 'take advantage' of her which doesn't sound that bad, but he raped her and that is against the law. If a women is unable to consent to sex then having sex with her is rape. That point is very clear in the law.

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Absolutely agree with this!!!!!!

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Yes, sorry you are right hypercat. I didn't express myself well at all but I will leave it up or people won't know why you wrote that response. I apologise to the poster for this completely incorrect inference. It came out all wrong and I apologise. Gemma

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No worries Gemma. Wasn't having a go at you or anything but I was just concerned that the poster would believe it was partly her fault. x

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I have to agree 110% with hypercat54.....what was done to this women was rape. And drunk or not....it's rape. This women is left with PTSD from this attack, and does not need the added burden of being told she was irresponsible for being drunk. I have to say that kind of puts me off a bit as it sounds like part of the blame is on the victim. I've heard it all before...growing up when women had no rights...when they were victimized all over again with terms like that in court when trying to bring these rapists to justice. Calling them out on their sexual history, asking them is they drank a lot, did they do drugs, so as to bring their character in question...and that goes on trial more so than the fact that she was raped. We have to be mindful of the facts and the words we use, and how this women is now suffering and needing professional help to overcome her attack. This will be with her at some level or another for the rest of her life...while the rapist unless brought to justice, which is likely not going to happen, is held accountable for what he did.

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Hey Hypercat, although I fully agree with the point you're making, but I do feel it important to stress something... Full blame shouldn't be put on the man automatically. I have slept with a drunk person before. I was equally as drunk and would not have done it if I were sober.

This has to go both ways.

Whenever situations like this arise, women get consoled and helped and treated like victims (which in some situations they are) and men get told they were lucky.

Men can be raped this way just as easily as a woman can. But men can get thrown in prison and be socially outcast for being raped.

If unconscious, like in the case of the OP, then yes, that's rape. But if both people are drunk and have drunken sex, that is a completely different matter.

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Not saying if 2 drunk people have sex it is rape. It is when one is unconscious which is what I said.

Basically a woman should be able to wear what she likes, do what she likes, and live her life the way she wants without having to worry about rape, but unfortunately we have to. It doesn't mean it's the woman's faults though. If a women clearly consents to sex then fine but not if she doesn't or can't. It is a bit different with women though as men are generally stronger and can physically force a woman whereas the other way round would be more problematic.

I do understand about male rape though as saw a programme on it a year or so ago and was quite shocked as didn't realise it was relatively common. I think all rape victims regardless of male or female need sensitive treatment and counselling. They also need to be taken much more seriously and more rapists taken to court and punished.

Mind you someone said on the programme it's not until male rape is taken much more seriously that female rape will be too. I do have to agree with this. There is still too much attitude around that a woman was 'asking for it' or 'when she says no she means yes' etc. x

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I am glad we agree again.

Thought the whole "She was asking for it" isn't unique to women, but men too. even when school children that are male sleep with a female teacher, which is not just rape, but paedophilia, a male child is called lucky and the female teacher sometimes don't get punished, and when they do it is a much lesser sentence than her male counterparts.

All rape isn't taken as seriously as it should be. But male rape is ignored so much that in many countries men legally cannot even be raped.

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I am so sorry this happened to you. Please go get yourself checked out as soon as possible. It’s not your fault. Please know that. He raped you & the guy you’ve been seeing allowed it to happen which is messed up. Stay away from these guys. You don’t deserve this at all. <3

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Hi there,

I agree with the above comments, you were vulnerable, taken advantage of and the victim of rape and you need to get not only your sexual health checked out, but to consider telling the police what has happened and getting advice. I don't know which country you reside in, but take a look at the links to UK advice websites, they'll give you some helpful information to think about and pursue:

Rape Crisis (England & Wales) rapecrisis.org.uk/

Victim Support: victimsupport.org.uk/crime-...

The Survivors Trust: thesurvivorstrust.org/

RAINN (Intl Sexual Assault resources) rainn.org/international-sex...

STI NHS Advice: nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-hea...

You don't have to struggle with this on your own. Go and speak to your doctor or STI Clinic.

Take care,

MAS Nurse

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