My mental health

[becky3344]

Hi.

I'm Becky.

Nice to join the group. If i can i'd like to give a summary of my situation.

I'm an adoptee suffered with depression on and off for alot of my 48 years. Had psychotherapy for alot of years.

Currently going through menopause depression, suicide thoughts.

Dad has recently being diagnosed with incurable bowel cancer, i live with him.

I'm depressed, unemployed, don't really want a job at this point, don't think i could handle it.

I have chronic physical pain which hinders me walking and driving, and being around people for long.

I'm still trying to work through my adoption pain.

Living with dad how he's starting to go downhill, he was ill yesterday, asleep on the settee drifting in and out of sleep. When he did wake up he told me it was his only way to cope.

I go though days of his cancer feeling some days better than others. Some days i let it overwhelm me and i cry which i feel better for the release.

I've never really been close with my dad, although i didn't want it that way, it's just the way he is. Which i have struggled with coping with for many years.

But now he is dying, i'm trying to be there for him, especially as i live with him. And it is already starting to be tough. And i've been told it's going to be really tough, which i know it will be.

Some days i try and block it out, just to give myself a break from feeling so bad about the fact that he's going to die probably soon.

I know i have complex ptsd, with having separation trauma of being abandoned by my birth mum. I am waiting to see a psychiatrist so i can be diagnosed, as that is what i want now.

I journal when i feel i need to let out my emotions and it does help. I live in a family which never talk about emotions or feelings, and it's affected me greatly.

I'm always trying to get help for myself when i can, depression is terrible, along with sometimes thinking the psychological pain is too great, and want it gone. And then thoughts can come in about ways to stop the pain which would be permanent.

But i have been told by a social worker, i need if i can to put my pain aside and focus on my dad this time. And it was hard to hear, as i have alot of emotional pain of feeling let down greatly by adoptive parents. But i have been able to put that aside some what, and to focus on being there for my dad, as i know i want to be there for him too.

[PNIAuthor60]

Welcome Becky to this wonderfully supportive community.

Thank you for the transparency of your post. I am an adoptee myself.

I am so sorry to hear how sick your Dad is. I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to be living in the midst of such a circumstance.

I hope you will post as often as you feel you need to - it's important for us to process what we are feeling in order to feel mentally and physically healthy

[becky3344 in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Hi.

Thanks for your reply.

When you mention the word 'transparency' are you referring to me being 'emotionally transparent about my thoughts and feelings.'?

Therapy has taught me how important it is to be able to try and express oneself, or myself as i'm talking about me. As it does help me get out all what i'm feeling, and by expressing it in word and paper/type it also opens up the opportunity of a deeper conversation with others. It lets me validate what i'm feeling, that i am entitled to say what i feel. Which for an adoptee like me is very important to be able to do that, as it helps me with healing as person.

Also it gives me the chance of connecting with other people on a deeper level. Something which i've always tried to do, and not very often successfully. But everyone is on their own paths, and level of personal development i believe.

If you're interested in messaging me privately you can, i'm thinking of the adoptee connection.

Becky

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to becky3344]

Yes, exactly being straight forward with one's feelings. I will indeed message you later day

[becky3344 in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Okay, thank you.

[hypercat54]

Hi I am so sorry about your dad and for your own struggles. PNIAuthor60 is right about this being a great place so just come and and talk any time you need to. It might take your mind off your troubles a bit to join in and chat to others too.

I have been through parents failing and it's not easy is it? All you can do is be there for your dad as much as possible. Talk to him of happier times maybe when you were all young or something. I am sure (though I bet he doesn't show it often) that you are a great comfort to him and loves you dearly. If you need to cry then don't do it in front of him, cry to others instead.

The other things are from my experiences - expect to feel guilty as this goes with the territory and whatever you do never seems enough. Be aware though that you are doing your best and no one can expect more from you than that, even if your best is pretty rubbish at times.

The other thing is make sure you take care of yourself too and take as many breaks away as you need to. Do the rest of the family help out? Is it possible to get carers in sometimes for him so the whole burden doesn't fall on you? Is he on palliative care right now? Sorry lots of questions but there is help out there so make sure you access all the help you can. x

[becky3344 in reply to hypercat54]

Hi.

Thanks for your reply and support. It looks like i have written a long reply.

Are your parents still alive, or have they passed over?

Me and my dad we both on the point of both crying when he first told me the news, and we both pulled away. In general i think people crying infront of each other, can be very liberating, and not something to shy away from and condone.

But every situation is tricky and of course it depends greatly on how close you are with a person or family member. As me and my dad never do emotions, and he has upset me greatly over the years with his lack of interest in my life, i wouldn't approach him in person emotionally. I do have a conscious barrier for him as much as me. As i know he doesn't like going there.

But he did mention weeks ago, when we were talking about when the family will go to the hospital to sit with the doctors and specialists and listen to them talk about dad's situation and what the situation is, and what will happen. I said to my dad then, i may cry, he said, that's okay, i think we all will be crying.. Which was really nice to hear.

I know he does loves me dearly, he never showed in many ways, which has really hindered me in helping me develop well as a adoptee. We have to go through enough shit as it is in start of life, and throughout our lives, it's never ending. Like a life sentence that no one wants to knowledge or hear about.

And that's when inner rage can come out. As inner child has suffered so much, it can only take so much denial and neglect from family members especially.

Adoption is a mythology which lots of people buy into, including myself up until very recently. And i am 48 years old.

I am digressing.

I think i felt the guilt today. My dad has a car, i was wondering what he was going to do with it once he's gone. I have just last 2 weeks scrapped my car, and i don't have one anymore. My mum told me he was thinking about giving his car to his friend. It made me feel he doesn't care about me much, that he didn't even want to offer it to me.

I spoke with dad about it this morning saying 'i hear you want to give your car to your friend. He mentioned me, but i know my dad enough to know he is back stepping. I think my mum said something to him about me wanting it. I said to him, your friend can have it. He said his friend doesn't have a car, and doesn't have any money. And the car would at least get him out of the house. As he lives on his own.

I can understand dad wanting to help out his friend. But it also felt like a kick in the teeth to me. Another notch which shows how little he thinks about me. I would now feel guilty taking the car from him, when i know he really would like to give it to his friend. And i don't want my dad's pity.

It just keeps in line to the relationship me and my dad have always really had.. Not a close one, even though i've wanted one, he could never give me that for what ever his reasons.

I do feel hurt again, and usually my hurts lasts awhile, and i feel hurt by my dad, which usually looks like me pulling away from him. But this time i know is his last stand, so i need to rise above it in the best way that i'm able too.

I spoke with a social worker 2 weeks ago, she was helping me act as an intermediary to try and get in contact with my birth dad again. I wanted her advice on something to do with my adoptive parents, to help express myself to them. But this meet up was set up before dad's diagnoses. But she said she saw it as me wanting to blame my adoptive parents for their parenting style over me.

As they can't change who they are. So i listened to her and explained what i was looking for the reason why i wanted to do it. Which was to encourage a more open discussion with them, and for me to express to them how i feel about growing up with them. And to have the social worker there, to act as in third party. And that maybe it would make my adoptive parents realise how serious i am about this, and that having the social worker there, it might make them really take on board what i've been trying to say to my adoptive parents over the last few years.

But she said she couldn't do it, and didn't want to do it. And she said instead she thought it would i should try and focus more on my dad's illness now, and to be there for him. And that if i wasn't able to do that, then i would miss out on his final time, and i might live to regret it. But i was hurting so much inside, as all i wanted was for my inner child to feel validated, for her feelings to be validated for once and for all, before it was too late. So i found myself crying in Costa Coffee where we had agreed to meet up. More was said, but i knew she had a point.

And the next day, i was able to realise she was right, and that i do need to put aside my feelings to a degree, in this hard time with my dad's illness.

That shit is about to get very real for all of us, and that we need to be there for one another. I could see very clearly. So that is what i've been doing for the last few weeks. I have been more emotionally available, and physically there for my dad. And it has given him and me a weak connection again. Where before i tried to ignore him as it was too painful to play happy families, when i wasn't feeling it.

And i like i said, i live with him, so it's not like i can leave or go away. Especially as i don't have a car anymore.

Yes one thing online people have said to me is to remember to take time out for myself. Which is great advice, and has helped me already cope at the moment.

To finally answer your questions. My family don't help out at the moment, as my dad has only just started to get some symptoms from his terminal illness.

But it seems there is a plan in place, devises from mum and dad. And that is to when the time comes, to pay for Macmillan nurses to come in and look after dad when he's unable to look after himself. That he will get a special bed, and move back into his bedroom. So that is the plan of care for him, so i won't be expected to wash him etc.

Thanks for your message. Sorry mine was such a long one.

[hypercat54 in reply to becky3344]

Hey never apologise as this is what the site is for - supporting each other. Both my parents are gone now but I will pass on what I learned.

I came from a similar background and my parents found it hard to express the positive emotions and I never felt validated either. I discovered I was a victim of CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect). If you want some links pm me (just click on my name).

When I became an adult I learned many things such as compassion, affectionate, and simple kindness which my family didn't teach me. I realised I couldn't treat them the same way they treated me as I knew better. Taking the moral high ground if you like. I wouldn't let myself down like that.

I started teaching my family to express themselves better. For example I started a policy of hugging each other and found to my surprise they started doing it too. Some of my teaching fell on stony ground but it was surprising how I changed the family dynamics a bit. I realised they have never been taught that by their own parents and hadn't been self aware enough or got out into the world like I had to learn it for themselves.

My mother was the difficult one in my family but I did start tackling some of her behaviour and a bit paid off. When she was in the care home and getting older and weaker we developed a new relationship - I let her know I understood her better than my sisters and she respected me for it. In other words I stood up for myself and became the adult in some ways. We even started talking about emotions etc. and I asked her some questions about difficult periods in my childhood. Her answers surprised me. One day she turned round to me and said 'You are nothing like your father are you'? (she hated him) And I said Hallejuh mum it's only taken you 50 years to recognise this. I would give a lot to have her back now even if it's only to hear her moaning and criticising me again! x

[hypercat54 in reply to hypercat54]

Don't assume others even family are mind readers and tell them what you want and expect.(I used the word 'expect' deliberately over 'need'). I am saying this in regards to the car. Tell your dad you really want and need a car and sweeten the pill by reminding him that you need to be able to drive him to appointments and take him out - shopping for example.

From what you have said he doesn't realise this and thinks you are quite happy to be without one. I think if you tell him you want it then you will get it. You might be surprised. x

[becky3344 in reply to hypercat54]

Hi.

No i try not to do mind reading if i can help it, therapy taught me that. I am much more direct these days, about things which i feel matter.

I'm okay with the car, i have a few saving to buy myself a cheap car. I don't think dad will give him the car, until after my dad has passed. So the car will still be use until then for what ever reason.

He's told me i can use his car anytime i like.

I wouldn't be able to sit with myself knowing i got his car, when really he didn't want to give it to me, but wanted to help someone else out who was in more need.

And i can hopefully get another car, which has less miles on the clock than dads. So hopefully it will work out okay.. I feel okay about it now. But i appreciate your time trying to help and suggest things. That's kind of you. Thank you.