My name is sarah and im new! So i just wanted to introduce myself and tell you all why im here. Hopefully you guys can help me and i can help you!
My depression started when i was very young in between the age of 6-9. I know your thinking what does a little kid have to be depressed about, well i had M.E which left me feeling like an outcast socially and started to develop a low self esteem. At the time i had no idea i was depressed.. i was a child. Age 10 my M.E disappeared which was great, but the negative thoughts about myself continued.
Then age 12 my dad got cancer, It seemed so unfair..I hated the world i lived in. Watching him lose his hair and muscle slowly day by day destroyed me.Worst of all there was nothing i could do to help him.I started to self harm,i became very aggressive. I didnt talk to my parents about how i felt because i didnt want to upset them,but that only made things worse for me.
My mum and dad were always in london for my dads treatment so we had to make our own way home from school so i got the bus which was outside an Indian takeaway. Me and my friends were befriended by one of the employee's he was almost 30. He was particularly very nice to me, he gave me goldfish and made me a music tape of the top 20. And he use to write us letters, this went on for about 6 months then the letters ended up being just for me, i thought nothing of it being a young naive kid i thought he was just my friend! until one day he wrote me a letter telling me that he loved me and wrote what he would like to do to me sexually. I felt sick to my stomach by what i was reading i didnt even read it to the end and i ripped it up and throw it away. I didnt tell anyone because i was to embarrassed it made me feel dirty,but a week later on my way home from school, i came across him. He got in my face screaming how he loved me, i felt sick and scared! luckily some nice ladies came out of a near by shop and recused me. They got me a taxi home and i went home and had to tell my parents what had happened, it was so embarrassing. The police came, i gave a statement and he was given a written warning as there was no proper evidence, which once again seemed so unfair!
by age 13 i attempted to take my own life. Luckily my dad saw me crying when i was on my way to the toilet and i told him what id done. And i was rushed to hospital and i was then i was diagnosed with depression. Also at the time my sister was in a violent relationship another situation i had to just sit back and watch. Its hard to see the people you care about being hurt and there's nothing you can do to help them. I guess that's why i self harmed..it was one thing i was in control of!
Next age 15 i thought it would be fun to try ecstasy and it was fun, it made me feel care free. All my troubles about my looks and social anxieties would disappear when i took it, i felt great. Also i could finally openly talk about how my dads illness made me feel. But with the high came the low! I was taking ecstasy on the weekends regularly for about 6 months eventually i became severely depressed, id wake up in the mornings crying my eyes out before i even knew what the weather was like outside. I started to hear music that wasn't playing, it was scary. And i wondered if i would ever get better. Well i stopped doing ecstasy and i had to be taken out of school. The music did disappear and my depression did start to get better over time it took about 2 years. I had an amazing friend i could talk to called dave who had serve depression like me, he was the only person i could talk to about self harming,suicidal thoughts,and psychosis who understood and could give me advice.
Age 18 id self harmed pretty bad one week because of some bad people i was mixing with, i remember waiting for him to come round to speak to him... id never ask for him to come round, i dont know why i just found it hard going out of my way and asking for help. Sadly dave took his own life that week. A day later i found out another childhood friend id grown up with had died to. 2 deaths in one week, and one of them begin so important to my life. And helping me cope with this nasty mental illness. I didnt know what to do, i felt like going crazy so i decided to do what i always did when i couldn't cope and turned to drugs. Well bad idea again! That weekend i got set up round someones flat, they tormented me mentally for 3 days. They never touched me but they were insinuating they were going to kill me putting a rifle in my face, running rope through there hands. The only reason i stayed for 3 days was because i was to scared to leave in case it made them actually want to physically hurt me. Kind of like when your a kid and your in bed and you think theres a monster and you think if i stay really still and dont move it will go lol Well eventually got the guts to leave, and when i left all i could hear were there voices. For 2 days i was positive they were somewhere in my parents house...but it was all in my head. I really thought that was it, i was mental, i was going to be locked up and id never get my sanity back. That experience has haunted me for a long time... i still dont like going near the road or town where it happened. Once again this isnt something i tell people, i like people to think im strong, if people think your weak they will target you and walk all over you.
Well age 19, By this time i was living on my own in a flat in the town i had been set up in struggling everyday with paranoia and my depression. Id started seeing some bloke called jason id met on the internet, he lived in Cambridgeshire. The day before Christmas i got into a massive argument with my parents, i lived by myself but they still tried to control me well i thought i was big enough to look after myself and didnt need them to tell me what to do anymore. I told jason and he said come live with me...so as the stubborn nasty kid i was, and of course it meant getting away from this town and the bad people i said yes. As soon as i got there i knew id made a big mistake, id hurt my parents, i had no friends here. I was on my own. A few months later i became pregnant, i was happy about this.. i thought this is my fresh start. I will become a new person, no more drugs,no more partying,no more mixing with bad people. And me, jason and our new baby will live happily ever after. Wrong again, for some reason jason doubted weather the baby was his, although i didnt even no anyone where we lived. 5 months in i started to get chronic back pain. I started to put on alot of weight because i was stuck in the house all day, i started to hate myself more then i ever had. I became insecure and the more jason thought the baby wasnt his the more i questioned his Fidelity. Cut a long story short i decided to leave him when our daughter was 9 months old. And move back to the dreaded town i came from. It was a big decision which took me months to decide but it was for the best, In fact i felt revealed once i left him. and looking after a baby on my own wasnt as hard as i thought it was going to be, because once i left i realized he didnt actually help that much after all.
Now skipping a few years or ill be here all night and bore you all to death. Age 26, Now! Im still living alone with my daughter sophie now aged 5 almost 6. Im still currently suffering with serve depression, I dont take drugs anymore, i stopped self harming and i have a better understanding of depression. I still struggle to cope but i cope alot better then what i use to and have a few coping techniques i picked up along the way. Its not easy to forget everything thats happened. But i wont let it destroy my life i am a fighter and i will continue to fight! Today has been a very difficult day for me, im physically in alot of pain and mentally today its not one of my best days. So im hoping writing this all done will make me feel a bit better and i wanted to share some of my experiences with you lot. It would be great to hear from some of you, i feel very alone as i dont know anyone else who suffers with serve depression like me. Im sick of feeling abnormal. So if you fancy a chat, maybe want advice or can offer advice that would be great. Any way thanks for reading my essay lol take care all.
But at the moment my health problems have recently worsened so shes not currently staying with me 
I have a bad back and neck. And also suffering with chronic fatigue although i haven't been officially diagnosed with it im positive that is whats wrong. So that makes me feel really low but im trying to keep my head up and just take each day as it comes, hate not being with my baby but for the time being its for the best for her..
A letter to my brother
Seen gp this morning
I can't leave him, its too difficult
my life
