Hi all. I’m a 28 year old male, and for about 9 years now I feel as though I may have suffered from depression.
My first memory of it was back in 2009, on a Christmas Day. We went to a relatives’ house and I was the youngest person there. Everyone was talking, laughing, joking, drinking, and I was struggling to join in with the conversations. I just remember sitting there quietly, feeling as though I was a failure, with hardly any friends and definitely no partner in my life.
These feelings have come and gone sporadically over the years, but in the last 18 months I feel as though my life has been on a constant downward spiral which shows no end of letting up.
Last year I split with my long time girlfriend, who cheated on me several times. After a few months, I decided to get back ‘out there’, and join several online dating sites. What followed, and is, to this day still following, is rejection, after rejection, after rejection. I’ve been some pretty brutal dating situations and as a result, as I sit here today, I feel as though my fate is to fail, be single, and never achieve my ambition of getting married and having children.
Add to this, I lost a relative earlier this year, which understandably hit the whole family really hard. I have massive regrets about not doing enough for her when she was still with us, and the biggest thing on my mind is the worry she may have thought I didn’t love her. Which is far from the case, I miss her every single day and I wish I could turn back the clocks and be there for her.
On top of that, my working life is utterly miserable. I absolutely cannot stand my co-worker, and the job itself has become a mediocre chore which I just cannot wait to leave. But the opportunities for me to leave have been pretty non-existent so far.
As a result, I feel hopeless, worthless, and I really don’t understand what my purpose is for being here. I am bringing nothing to the world, nothing to my family, and quite frankly I have failed in almost every area of my life. Over the weekend I have literally had no interest in doing absolutely anything. Today, I managed to go for a walk this morning, and have spent the rest of the day lying in bed in tears, and listening to music.
I don’t really have suicidal thoughts as such, just a really strong will not to be here anymore. Am I depressed? Or am I just feeling low because of the consistent bad luck that I seem to be getting served?