Help with girlfriend

[justalex]

I have been dating this girl for about 6 months now, its a long distance relationship and we met online. We haven't met in real life yet but that's besides the point. To cut things short she has some mental and physical problems that have been going on for a while now. Not eating much, throwing up when a lot is eaten, pain in her side / tummy, feeling dizzy and faint, not much energy at all along with not sleeping much at all and having trouble sleeping more than 5-6 hours. She has had a bad past and gets sad, upset and depressed about that when she thinks about it, also overthinking situations is a big thing and makes her very upset depending the topic. All this means she can't run which used to be her favorite activity, she spends a lot of time thinking about life which further makes her upset. To make things worse, she hates help, sympathy and likes to bottle it all up and close herself emotionally down. I try and tell her to go to the hospital for the physical side of things but she hates hospitals and so far nothing has been found that's wrong when she finally went.

I was just wondering if anyone has some advice on what I could do to help her as I really love her and hate seeing her like this also regarding meeting in real life, for reasons I won't specify here we can't see each other for a few years. Thank you, all help is much appreciated and I am happy to answer any questions if needed.

[hypercat54]

Hi has she been to the doctors and asked for help? Is she on any meds or having any counselling? If she won't go the medical route then there is only the self help one such as mindfullness, meditation, yoga etc. Have you suggested these to her?

At the end of the day you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink and if she is dead set against getting help there is very little you can do. She needs professional support and help. Good luck. x

[chbale in reply to hypercat54]

I kind of totally agree, she needs to see a doctor. It might sound a little harsh and contradictory, but doctors do care and provide excellent help but it's not a personal thing, they see an issue with a person, whatever that might be, and provide the best treatment they need to give them

[justalex in reply to chbale]

Thank you both for your replies, it is much appreciated.

She has been to the doctors before and had tests done but what came back wasn't thought to be the cause for the pain in her side and stomach so after that she gave up and wants to handle it all herself. Her mum persuaded her to go along with me and after nothing came back she's done with doctors. She takes pain killers for her side. I haven't suggested those but I did suggest calming music ( lofi ) and watching comedies to occupy her. She shut those down but I will definitely suggest the ones you did so thank you!

I would love for her to go see a doctor and get counselling as I think it would benefit her but again no to that one. I will try my best to get her to see sense in what doctors and professionals can offer.

Thanks again to have spent time in replying, I hope you both have great weeks and everything goes well for you in the future

[Foof]

Hmmmmmm.....you sound like a lovely person and very very caring.

I am saying this very carefully because I would like you to take some time to consider certain aspects here.

You a clearly very worried about your friend and have clearly given her a lot of support and reassurance. She does need to take a certain amount of responsibility for her own health, which can be difficult with mental health issues. You want to protect her and look after her, but in an online relationship physical care is not possible.

My concern here is how online relationships can manifest themselves, it is very easy online to disclose lots of personal information that we simply wouldnt do face to face. It is also very easy to imagine yourself in love or deeply connected with someone, only to find that the feeling is not there when you meet. People also hide behind online profiles, I am not suggesting that this is the case here but I would urge you to consider the possibility.

This may sound like bursting your balloon and very painful but I am actually concerned about you.

I am assuming you are a young man and not had many relationships?

You are a keeper, and you deserve a real physical relationship with all the joy that can bring.

I am not suggesting abandoning your friend and not helping them, but please take a little time a distance from this to reconsider whether this is actually healthy for you.

Much love xxxx

[justalex in reply to Foof]

Thank you very much for the reply, I hadn't considered this side of things at all. I just wanted her to be happy but maybe in doing so I'm not as happy as I could be? But when I hear her laughing or see her ( facetime ) smiling it makes me so happy and warms my heart.

She has had a pretty tough life so far and has dealt with everything herself and because of that hates help from others. So I feel the least I could do is help her with everything that's bothering her and try share the pain if that makes sense. Perhaps sometimes I should leave her be to figure things out and just be their to talk to if needed?

I have thought about how we would get on in person compared to online which has worried me as I don't want to let her down by being a different person when face to face. We got on very quickly from the moment we met and it was a connection I have never had before but since it is all over the internet maybe it wasn't the real me or her talking, I'm not sure. If we met in real life perhaps things would be very different or maybe very similar.

Yes this is my first ever relationship ( I don't get out much ) and yes I am pretty young.

Just an added thought because of boarding school ( A-levels ) I am very busy and when I'm at home I spend a lot of time working, sleeping or on my computer ( Gaming, sad I know ). She doesn't admit it but I feel I don't give her enough attention and we don't talk as much as we should. Perhaps if I did she wouldn't be spending so much time alone in deep thought and overthinking making herself upset ( she doesn't really game much or have many hobbies ).

Thank you very much I will have a think about everything you said because its some amazing advice. Have a great week and hope everything goes well for you.

[Stilltrying_]

Excellent response Foof. I SO AGREE ! Gemmalouise X

[Foof]

It took me nearly half a century to figure this one out.

We are responsible for our own happiness. No one else’s.

That doesn’t mean we should deliberately go around and hurt people or not do those lovely things for others that make people smile.

But doing something nice for someone as opposed to taking full responsibility for keeping them happy? Even a parent can’t do that for children and it would be wrong if they did.

So, you are not the cause nor the cure for her woes. I say this with the utmost respect. You are not that special.

You make her smile and you have given her a lot of care. But I would suggest that you put some distance between yourself and this for a while to get some perspective.

If this is a genuine situation, you have been the best of friends. You have a special close connection but you have to look after your needs and wants. This could be stopping you from having a fully fledged relationship....it doesn’t mean you have to abandon her, it just means look after yourself. Some diverse friendships that are in the physical world are what you need. Do you struggle to make friends? Are you in a boys school?

[justalex in reply to Foof]

I understand, I was trying to be the only one to make her happy and the one to get rid of her problems but as you put I am not that special. Also no offence taken.

Thanks again for the reply, I really appreciate your experience and knowledge which from this I can tell you have a lot.

I'm so new to all this so perspective and perhaps distance might be a good idea. Then I can adjust and come back a better person for myself and for her.

I'm an introvert definitely but I do have a smallish group of very close friends at school. I don't really go out when I'm not at school so I only have a few friends outside of school. But yes I do struggle to make new friends, I don't go to parties like most of my generation or anything like that. I like time to myself or with my close friends whether that be in real life or over the internet. Yeah an all boys boarding school.

[Foof]

I hope you know what I mean about “not that special”.

As in you don’t have the power to cause her hurt or take it away. That is for her to do. But don’t diminish the help you have given her, I’m just concerned about what this kind of connection could have on you.

Just because young people your age like parties doesn’t mean you all do!

I’m really glad to hear that you have some good friends, boarding school is not really conducive to meeting the opposite sex and I’m guessing it can be quite lonely in lots of ways which can make you a little vulnerable.

Follow your passions, what makes you feel interested and absorbed..outside! Things you like doing where other people will be around.

Yep, do your Instagram or snapchat or whatever Is the hot app and enjoy your gaming.

But do something else and it may mean stepping outside your comfort zone, but that is healthy. Very healthy xxx

You are a very respectful caring person, any girl you meet will be very lucky indeed. Just know your worth xxxxx

[justalex in reply to Foof]

Yeah I understand what you mean and its true, in the grand scheme of things our lives are insignificant and some theories suggest there are many or even infinite versions of us in multiple universes which just shows how not special we all are ( Multiverse theory if you're interested ) . But in another light we are unique and special in our own way and that's why you should live life to the fullest because we don't get second chances.

Boarding school is awful for meeting girls, some not so bad as they are mixed. It excels in academics and sports but socially prepares you terribly. I have a few friends that are girls but unfortunately I only know them again through the internet so I haven't had the chance to really get to know a girl face to face. Being socially awkward doesn't help things and with my own problems the social side of things has been difficult and will continue to be unless as you say step outside my comfort zone and go meet some new people.

Luckily I love sport and I'm pretty fit but unfortunately the sports I love are all indoor, how very teenage. They may be lucky to meet me but things won't get that far as leaving the house is a struggle , I realize how much of a typical teenage boy I am.

Thank you once again, for your words of wisdom it is very very much appreciated. I hope everything is going well for you and that you continue to help others because, sounds cliche, but you're life changing.

[Foof]

Wow. A young head for such wisdom 😊😊

Comfort zones stop us from growing and learning. So does success. Failure is a much better teacher but only if you keep trying.

All teens are socially awkward although they all seem cool to each other 😆...we all have the same fears and worries, once you realise that they feel the same as you it’s a bit of a epiphany moment.

Tbh it’s a really shit time but also the greatest time.

Do one tiny thing that scares you every day. Take care, you ape pretty special in a not special way 😘😘😘😘😘

[Foof]

Just a thought, when I was at school we did a swimming gala against the boys high school.

Those boys were very attentive and appreciative of us girls. It Was very refreshing and very attractive compared to the shower of bra twangers in my class...lol

Just saying........