looking for advice

[_______]

so my kids dad, for most of the 7 years years we were together, never celebrated my birthday or Valentine's day with me (I believe hes narcissistic) and this yeast didnt see or even call our 4 year old for her birthday.. he misses holidays like Christmas and Easter regularly. he is also an alcoholic although he did go too I've month of rehab earlier this year and drinks supposedly less than before. he's never been an active parent even when we were together. being around him usually puts me in a negative mood and drains me emotionally and mentally. this past weekend in fact we agreed on an activity top do so he could spend time with our child, and he left basically minutes after we arrived and he watched me get our child out of the car, put her in her stroller, buckle her in, etc and he stood there looking at Facebook on his phone. thus irritated me. moments later he called an uber saying I make him not want to be around us. so yesterday he emailed me, wanting to see our kid today after work. I said yes but then I realized it is his birthday today. what should I do?? my daughter never asks for him or to see him and runs from him. do I be the bigger person?? I know I will end up in a foul mood.. it's hard to post here because there are soany more details and history but I finally have been feeling better about things and myself and the future and he tends to set me back.. any advice??

[Hidden]

Sometimes in some families Birthdays may just amount to a birthday card, or cards for other celebrations of life. Man people prefer not to buy cards or if they do the money goes to charity.

In our house we do not buy each presents or cards, what is the point we are just spending each others money and we would rather use that money to do something we both want to do together.

We have just returned from holiday, in three weeks or so we have booked a hotel for a weekend of food tasting and also an evening of learning how to use a new Telescope to watch the stars. Buying presents would have not allowed us to take this weekend and a further week away in an area we have not visited for forty years.

So in our case we work different to many, we take holidays instead of spending money on cards and presents. We also use the money saved to take part in our hobbies. We visit historic Houses etc, so again the money is used for more interesting things. So far this year we have been away for three months.

What I try and explain is people celebrate life cornerstones in different ways so I do not know the dynamic of your family etc

You know how things work or not, all I can advise is you talk and work out a way you wish to respond to different events. Birthdays can be celebrated in different ways with children

Visit something the child wants to do, yes it means an agreement with or ex partner or whatever is discussed.

Personally I am to old for birthdays, and I have no children, however if I did I would be trying to arrange a special time for my child for Birthday, Christmas and any other time of the year

Just a different approach

BOB

[sweetiepye]

This is not about you, and it's not about your ex. It's about your child so do what is best for her.

[Findingme]

This sounds like a difficult situation. You say your ex has tried rehab and is drinking less. That is good but I fully understand you don't trust him yet. It is a sign he is trying though, and it is good he still wants to see his child. I imagine it is hard for you to put aside your anger and disappointment at the past though. Maybe your irritation at him and the suppressed anger is showing through when you see him, which then feeds back into him feeling angry and not wanting to get involved. If so you cannot expect these contact sessions to be much use until you can sort something out. Can you get some therapy to help you process how he has treated you all these years? Once you do you may find you are more able to let his behaviour wash over you.

I think it might be worth setting some boundaries before you set up the next meeting, and explain it is damaging for the child if he lets her down, so he needs to try harder. Make it about the child, not about you and him. If he is serious about being a Dad this may help him. He may not understand how his erratic behaviour is hurting her. Make sure you enforce the boundaries, for example, by refusing to let hi in if drunk, by only agreeing to a short visit at first until you feel things are working out. I am sure you can get more specific advice from a counsellor too.

As Sweetie pie said, do what is best for your child. Sometimes, that also means doing what is right for you too, which involves making sure you both feel safe and ok. All the best. xx

[_______]

that is great advice and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. thank you.