What would you do?

[Lush__x]

Well earlier on today i realised my bestest friend had not invited me to her 1 year old sons bday party. i think its been on my mind but i just assumed it was just family and thats why i hadnt been invited. However I come to learn that her other friends were going!

so i messaged her to say i was gutted i hadnt been invited and she said she had thought 'long and hard' about whether to invite me as she thought it might be a bit awkward because of what happened at leeds fest. I said havnt we all got past this by now?? and ive been a big part of that little boys life so i was hurt i wasnt going to be there.

She said pretty much the same thing and that she doesnt want this ruining her day when its not her fault and i get to see him tomorrow.

i should probs explain that at leeds fest she didnt like it that her boyfriend put me on his shoulders and the fact he messaged me and we was having a bit of a chat on facebook afterwards. i must make it clear i did not put anything flirty to him but her boyfriend did say some jokey (poss inapropriate) comments which i did not take on. we was talking about stupid things. she seen i had messaged him back and then proceeded to wait till he went in the shower to check his phone and read our messages.

She then told me she never wanted to speak to me again and we had ripped their family apart and that we was horrible. then she said she can never trust me or him again. she seemed to think we was being secretive...he said 'dont tell her' and i never once said i wouldnt. she didnt even give me a chance but how childish would that be if i was like 'awwww your boyfriend has been messaging me'. there was nothing even to tell. i was just pleased me and him were getting on because ive always thought he hated me and i kind of think shes made me think that way.

what she expected would happen at a one year olds party is beyond me. ive assured her i dont fancy him at all and would never do anything like that.

she still said she cant trust us together.

Me not being invited to this has led me to one conclusion....i dont think we can be friends any more.

this is just the start. Im not going to be invited to birthdays, any parties or nights out....heck im not even allowed near her house now.

i havent even done anything wrong but yet ive been pushed out to one side. im so upset im not there...ive spent more time with her and her boy than any of her mates. I went round everyweek and helped her out. he recognised me, he laughed at me. ive never been good with kids but this was different, i really cared for that little boy.

she has no reason not to trust her boyfriend....shes the one thats cheated on him and with his mates too!!! ive been there for her, put up with her being horrible to me on nights out and i just cannot believe shes left me out of such a big occassion.

she didnt even tell me or discuss it with me...she just asked me before if i wanted some bday cake saving and then i clocked on...aparently its enough that I get to see him tomorrow...thats not the point at all.

I feel hurt by this and i dont think i can let it go...

what do you think?

[ThemysciraDrive]

Tricky one.

She is certainly overreacting from what you say. If she has played away then maybe there is some projection going on - it may be precisely that she feels guilty about having cheated, and can't deal with it. So she is sidestepping it by getting paranoid about her boyfriend. And it's not personal to you, she's lashing out because of guilt and you're the unfortunate one in the firing line because of circumstance.

Something doesn't sound quite right in that relationship. Maybe she isn't very happy, but doesn't feel like she can leave because they have a little child? There are many reasons she could be acting as she is. Certainly the contradiction of cheating and then getting manically possessive to the point of checking his phone while he's in the shower says that something's not right with your friend. It doesn't necessarily mean she's horrible - could be pain, or guilt, or maybe the stress of parenting - but it presents as hypocrisy and so it looks like it. Could well be that part of her feels she has settled into a long-term thing and had a child too young; and is torn between the desire to run away (hence the cheating), and the desire to make the family work happily (hence mega-possessive). I think there can always be part of us that feels like running from responsibility.

I would say....meet up with her, without the boyfriend present. Talk to her about it - be direct, but not angry. You might have to swallow some pride and apologise over Leeds (even if you already have). There are plenty of ways of apologising for the fact that it hurt her whilst being clear that nothing was actually going on; just say it was meant to be harmless, you've never seen him that way, but you realise it upset her and you're sorry for that. See how she is...maybe she needs a friend like you at the moment.

Either way, don't get dragged into a petty dispute; I think you can be the better person here

[Lush__x in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Well yes I think she is but she cant see that she Is over reacting.

You’ve put it all down so perfectly here, its made me think that when people behave in the way they do, they don’t realise the underlying issues for their behaviour.

I said to her she was a hypocrite considering she has cheated in the past and she replyed by saying she couldn’t believe I was throwing it back in her face and she was in a bad place at the time. I wasn’t throwing it back in her face I was trying to highlight the issue.

She cheated before they had their son, shes always telling me hes horrible to her and he was before but she onlt stayed with him cos they had a house and then she said she was only staying with him cos they had a kid. Then next min shes ded happy and so the cycle goes on.

Oh I have said sorry for upsetting her and the last thing I wanted was to cause any trouble. But that was a month ago and shes still not moved passed it and said it takes a while to build up trust again…which could be understandable if me and her bf had ACTUALLY done something wrong. Fair enough she didn’t like it but it doesn’t make it wrong.

But thank you for this I am going to approach speaking to her in a different way, thank you

[Suzie40]

Sounds to me like she has been hurt by him, and you've had to become her kicking post. She's obviously very insecure in her relationship and it's easier to blame you than it is to face up to what's actually going on. As Will says, swallow your pride and be the bigger person. Pop a card through the door for the little one and wait and see what happens x

[Lush__x in reply to Suzie40]

hey lucy

yeah i agree here, at 1st she kept telling me how her fella has had it worse than me but she was being civial to him for the babas sake. But now its just me left being punished.

i am going to bring this up with her but im pretty much 100% certain that she will not take it on and just continue to say its not her fault etc.

x

[Hidden]

I agree with the above. I understand how hurt you feel by all this and I don't blame you. I think she will come round and realise how much she misses you. I would give it a bit of time though before you contact her again. I had a serious row with a very good friend and we didn't speak for 9 months. But I decided our friendship was too important to let it finish over this. I said hello whenever I saw her and sent her a birthday card. Then one night we were both out and we got chatting and we have been friends again ever since.

Bev x

[Lush__x in reply to Hidden]

Hi Bev, thanks for this im so glad i didnt carry on speaking to her yesterday. im going to wait to see if she contacts me 1st! i dont no how well we can go on though, shes a nightmare and ive backed down with her alot, shes very bitchy and spitful behind her friends backs and Im not sure how much i want to be friends with someone like that anymore x

[Hidden]

Hi Lucy

I agree with the other comments about the problem being your friend's insecurity but I wonder whether you also have a need to relate to boys in a way that conveys you need love. I know I used to do that and as a result my friends' husbands sometimes relate to me more closely than their wives were comfortable with - I was giving out subtle messages that I wanted them to like me and found them attractive without realising it. We all get jealous and it's hard when our partners seem to find our friends attractive - I think it takes maturity to cope with that. I am not suggesting you are to blame but more that you may want love so much that you give out that message to males especially. I'm wondering what your relationship with your father was like and whether you did or didn't feel you had his love? You will have learned within that relationship about whether your need for love from the opposite sex would be met or not and depending upon the outcome that will have left you feeling more or less secure about being loveable. Just a thought.

Suexx

[Lush__x in reply to Hidden]

Hi Sue,

oh as usual your thoughts are spot on! well i think so anyway...it makes sense.

I ALWAYS seem to find myself in trouble with peoples boyfriends because Ive got along well with them. I always say to people "its just banter" but they see it as flirting (the girlfriends)....god noes how the boyfriends see it. I really dont intend to come across as liking people but being in the field of psychology myself, of course people do things but they cant see it as its not indended behaviour.

I always feel like "one of the lads" rather than a girl in a group of lads. so i join in all the crude conversations and dirty jokes, im not easily offended by discusting comments about sex or girls etc but most girls would turn their noses up at such conversations.

I think my friends boyfriend was testing the water with me a little bit with some of the things he was saying to me and it did seem that he liked me a bit more than a friend but i made sure i didnt reply anything back to such comments or i laughed them off as i knew there was a high chance she would see them at some point.

...what i couldnt figure out is that i DID like the thought of this in a strange way...i dont fancy him but was starting to look forward to him messaging me and i could not put my finger on why.

Well my relationship with my dad was none existent. I hated my dad and still do. He made me anxious and scared and upset and he left when i was 12 and it was the happiest day of my life! he was impatient and agressive and moody and used to spoil everything. I believe this is the reason why i stay in relationships for so long with horrible men...because im used to feeling scared and anxious.

But this is another issue i can bring up when i go for therapy.

Thanks Sue

Love Zoe xxx

[Hidden]

Hi Zoe

Yes it does make sense. I had a similar problem and still easily want to become attached to men in my life - even when they belong to someone else!

Suexx

[Hidden]

She is what you call A toxic friend. You don't need those - get rid!

Bev x