I don't know what to do. I don't know what is wrong with me.

[crossingthewater]

I am a 17 year old female and when I was 12 years old I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Throughout a span of 4.5 years I was put on six different antidepressants, one antipsychotic, one anxiolytic and one benzo. And I wasn't getting better. I would go through periods of time when I felt fine- these could last anywhere between a few hours to a few days. And then I would go into a period of extreme loneliness and darkness and isolation. It's not Bipolar disorder- I've never stayed up for nights on end or done anything impulsive enough to land myself in serious trouble. At least I don't think. I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure about anything anymore.

I remember having all of the red flags that indicate depression before I started medication. We were talking about mental illness in my seventh grade health class and it made me really uncomfortable because I realized I had most of the symptoms so I spoke to my parents who told me they knew something was wrong, they were just waiting for me to ask for help. Off to the family doctor I went. Then to a therapist.

The thing is, things didn't get devastatingly awful until after I started medication. I started self harming and even tried to commit suicide in the eighth grade.

It's like it went from mild or moderate depression to severe. And now it's worse than severe.

I ended up seeing a psychiatrist after that who diagnosed me with recurrent major depression after a year of sessions.

At some point I started to become numb. Except for certain points where my emotions would finally be able to burst through and then I was a mess.

I wanted off medication but my psychiatrist wouldn't take me off of them, and my mother insisted that she knew best. I was so tired of trying new medication after new medication and still feeling so empty and worthless so one day I just stopped taking them.

My mom threw a fit, but she realized the only way to make me take them was for her to hospitalize me and we don't have the money for that.

I went off of my medication thinking I would get better- it all just got worse when I started taking the meds- but things aren't getting better. Theyre getting worse. Just as they habe been getting worse for a while now. Even when I was taking the pills it was like I had ended up on some deep and dark slope and the only way out was down.

I thought going off my meds would get me out of there but it didn't.

I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm losing my patience. I flipped off a rude customer at work and almost lost my job. I still feel so empty and I feel like im hanging on by a thread.

I don't want to go back on those pills. They made it seem like I was looking at the world through water and only when the burning in my lungs was too much could I open my mouth and scream.

I feel like I'm dying inside and I can't even cry about it or tell my parents. The last couple of times I had to switch medication my mom was so mean to me about it. She made me feel like I wasn't allowed to not be okay and like I was a nuisance. I can't tell her how I feel because she'll just give me a nasty look and send me back to the same psychiatrist who will just put me on the same medication that didn't work.

I don't know what to do.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello and welcome to this caring and supportive community. We are sorry you are in such a difficult place at the moment but as you are no better since you stopped taking the medication perhaps now is the time to realise that the meds were helping to control the worse feelings of depression you were experiencing. Life is a learning curve and you are still very young. Maybe your Mom was so worried about you that she was at a loss at what to do to help you and that caused her to be angry and frustrated with you. Now, I am not saying that is was right to do that but that it shows her concern for you. We are human after all and you are her baby.

Maybe it's time to give the Health Professionals another try, talk to Mom and Dad about it all and don't give up.

Look around at the other 'Pinned posts and Topics' on this community and do keep talking to us as there are many members who have feelings like you and it helps to talk. You are not alone.

Best of luck,

MAS Nurse

[Hidden]

Medications such as AD take the edge out of your life, life is full of ups and downs and if these hillocks are not felt you may eventually loose your understanding of people around you as your feelings may be suppressed.

You mention you have seen Specialists who have listened to your problems, however have they given you the chance to learn coping techniques for your condition.

Life is like the sea, some days the sea is rough and other days there are no waves and the sun shines down on the water and you can only sea ripples in the water. Medications take away the rough and the smooth and leave you with the sunlight blinding your eyes. You miss out on life with its ups and downs, then you are unable to learn life trails and tribulations. When we are young we take the rough with the smooth. I feel you are not seeing life in its entirety.

You need to learn coping techniques and approach any of your problems that brought about your illness. Consider what you need to do to recover from this disability deal with them and move on.

For a seventeen year old girl you are missing out of so much around you and that is a shame. Your teens are the most informative years and you are missing out on so very much.

Approach your condition and try and work out why you feel so bad, you also need to understand the reasons why you were introduced to the cosh of AD Medications

BOB

[mrmonk]

Hello crossingtheriver,

I'm so sorry for your situation; your desperation is clear and palpable. I know what it's like to be put on the wrong medication, initially; when I was twelve or so, my psychiatrist treated my phobias and OCD with an antipsychotic used specifically for schizophrenia.

Psychotropic medications are a mixed blessing -- they sometimes cause more harm than good. If they are necessary, it's all about findng the right one at the right dosage. Personally, I don't like the scattershot approach most doctors have toward dispensing these medications, some of which have alarming side effects. But it is important that if you are taking a given medication that you continue with it, and be weaned off it gradually under a doctor's supervision, as stopping cold turkey often ushers in awful withdrawal symptoms.

Though I can't presume to understand the dynamics of your relationship with your parents -- I hope any problems resolve themselves in time -- but at the end of the day, you are the best advocate for you. Whenever a doctor prescribes me a new medication, I'll research it first and ask lots of questions. Any doctor worth their salt will answer without reservation.

I wish you all the best. Take care and be well.

[Skyrim]

Hello, your are in the struggle I just want you to know, that no matter what happens I support your decision and that I will have your back. Pm if you ever need to vent.