Two Days to Go!!....

[En1234]

Hi to all my Health Unlocked Friends this morning!!

I've not really had much to say lately and today I woke up with the familiar panic feelings but at least I know why and I am really trying hard to cope with it the best way I can and I am writing this post because right now it is giving me something positive to focus on and when I do write on here, there are several people I feel close to although I have not met (if that makes any sense) so it is comforting to me to know that at least I CAN do this!

I start my new job in 2 days time and the closer the date has come round (the last week has flown in and I have literally been praying to God to slow down a bit!!), the more anxious I am becoming.

I have been telling myself that the panic attacks have been worse before when I DIDNT have a job. I was in floods of tears in April when I was waiting for a start date for a job and the uncertainty of when I would be starting sent me into a right spin. This time it has been totally different (and much better) and I still dont understand why I am feeling this level of sadness?

I have had a lovely full month off, the weather has been fantastic and I will be starting my new job looking really healthy. I have known when I was going to start and was able to make good use of the time I had off. I went for healthy walks every day (at least 2 hours a day), have not touched any alcohol and watched my diet.

If I was reading this post I would be saying, "What has this person got to be worried about?".. Sounds perfect right??....

So why do I feel so low?? I am actually embarrassed to say this but its as though there is a sort of selfishness about me. I have had SUCH a nice time off that I dont want to go back to work (although I need the money now and know that I need to get back into adult company as I have become a bit of a hermit). What I SHOULD say is that I am really GRATEFUL for the time I have had off and am now looking forward to my new start on Monday.

My star sign is Cancer (hence the hermit comment!!?), when things dont feel right to us we tend to disappear into our shells. We are creatures of habit and dont like change. This definitely applies to me as over the last month I have created a new routine for myself starting with my walk in the morning. Now this is all going to change again and it is really scaring me. I am even terrified that I am not going to be able to get up in time to get ready for work. Getting up at 9.30am or 10am has become "the norm" for me now.

I know I am sounding like a moan again and compared to a lot of people on here, this doesnt even sound like a problem. It does sound like a selfish post but I can promise you when I say this anxious "scary" feeling is not nice. I am hoping after my first couple of days I will be able to look back and laugh and wonder what all the fuss was about.

As I usually do, I will re-read this post and maybe be able to make some sense of it for myself.

I hope you are all OK today!!

Theresa

XXXXXX

[clovislorry]

Oh Theresa, you could be my long-lost twin, we are so alike (except for the walking bit.)! In a way it's a shame you had all this free time as, like me, you appear to over-think things sometimes and worry about what COULD happen next, rather than enjoying the good things about the present.

I'm even a Cancerian too, and I understand exactly what you mean about retreating into your shell like a hermit crab. I even do the "big claw out" thing when somebody gets too close when I'm in that mood.

I just want to say that I think about you a lot, and I wish you so much joy and happiness in your new job. Remember - try to concentrate on the things you like and find easy, rather than dwell on the trickier bits, and there are bound to be some - that's entirely normal and if there weren't any of those then the job would soon become boring and lacking in challenges. Make new friends, learn new stuff, give yourself a pat on the back for what you've achieved and overcome this year, and enjoy yourself.

xxxx Lorraine xxx

[clovislorry in reply to clovislorry]

“There is freedom waiting for you,

On the breezes of the sky,

And you ask “What if I fall?”

Oh but my darling,

What if you fly?”

— Erin Hanson

[En1234 in reply to clovislorry]

Thank you so much for you posts, they were lovely!! (I have taken a photo of the second one on my phone. This will be my reassurance on my first day should I start to feel the anxiousness descent, which it no doubt will at some point).

How funny is that that you are a Cancer as well. Someone else who "gets" me!!

To be fair it has been quite a lonely month. At least the weather was something to take pleasure in. Most people I know were at work and some days I would go through the day not really speaking to anyone. Ive probably been a bit disconnected from people as well. The only way I can describe how I really feel just now is like, you know that feeling you get when you come to the end of the holiday you have just had and the fact that you have had SUCH a good time, you just dont want it to end and go back to reality? Thats what its like. Its also a bit like when you were at school and that last Sunday night going to bed at the end of the summer holidays and you have to go back to school on Monday morning? That horrible "sicky" feeling, when all you wanted to do was close your eyes and if you concentrated hard enough you would be transported right back to the beginning again??...

I am hoping that this time next week I will be writing to you again telling you how great it is!!

I need to just try and remember all the things, all the GOOD things that Ive experienced over the past month. All the things I need to be grateful for and know that on Monday morning I am once again in a position where I can start to take control of my life again!!

Hope you are OK today my friend and it was lovely to hear from you!!

Speak soon (from one wee crab to another!! )

Theresa

XXXXXXX

[clovislorry in reply to En1234]

I also could describe my life as lonely as I hardly ever go out, have few friends or family, and most days the only other person apart from hubby that I see is the postman. But then again I do enjoy my own company and I've craved "peace and quiet" all my dysfunctional life until we moved here and achieved it. So I mostly see my isolation as a blessing. I suppose I can't have it both ways unless I get off my backside and go looking for company. No, on balance I quite like it this way. So in answer to your question, yes thanks - I'm good today!

As for your time off coming to an end - yes, it's a big jolt to the system going back to work after a long break and I doubt that anybody looks forward to it. BUT you will have holiday entitlement and the weekends in which to relax again, so just take each day at a time. xxx

I'm glad you liked the quote! I try to use it as my inspiration when I feel afraid to do something for fear of failing. So go ahead and fly on Monday, Theresa - you've earned it!

[En1234 in reply to clovislorry]

Feeling a lot better for our chat!! Thank you!!...

PS. Its thundering now and the lightening is like nothing I have ever experienced before. Funny to think only a couple of hours ago I was sitting in the sun reading my book. What is happening to the planet??...

Sending you massive big hugs!!

XXXXX

[kenster1]

good luck for when you start.yip weather been great for ages bit mucky today mind you I couldn't stop sweating out a walk to the graveyard.you had a month to relax refresh with he bonus of knowing you had a new job to start.all will be fine I bet.hey if they ask about your suntan just tell them you spent a month in the Bahamas.

[En1234]

LOL!!... The Bahamas, what a thought eh?? My mother actually rubbed my chin the other day the way she used to when I was a wee girl. I said "What are you doing?".. she said "You've got a dirty mark on your chin". It was actually a wee cluster of freckles, and I had to explain to her that she could rub my chin all day but that "dirty mark" is going nowhere!! But I do look as though I have got a dirty face!!.. I met 2 older ladies I know the other day and one of them said I look as though I had just stepped off a plane.

See what I mean, I actually sound quite selfish when really I am very lucky. I need to start practicing what being grateful REALLY means.

I hope you are OK today Kenster and that life is being good to you!

Sending you hugs also!!

XXX

[Stilltrying_]

Hi Theresa, it is always lovely to hear from you. I'm not too grand myself but wishing you all the best for your new start. gemma xxx

[En1234]

Hi Gemma,

Good to hear from you too (although I am sorry to hear your not that great just now, but you know where I am.. )

The nerves have just kicked in but I am sure that once the first day is over it will be fine. Just hate this horrid panic that comes over me. I need to keep reminding myself that I am not going to be the only one who will be starting their first day on Monday. There are more of us although I am not sure how many. There is probably some other poor soul out there feeling the same as me except I've got the advantage of being able to come on here, have a chat and get good support from my friends on this site!

Going to chill in front of the telly for a while and drink my Lavender Tea (Funny, as soon as I poured the water on to my Lavender T-Bag, I saw there was a movie on called "Ladies in Lavender". Maggie Smith and Judi Dench star in it as 2 sisters. Its really good. I have already seen it but think I will watch it again. Something to focus on and help switch off from thinking about other stuff. Its a good wee "feel good" film. If you get the chance, you should watch it).

Theresa

XXXXX

[Phillipaussie]

Perfect normal feelings to have,last time I checked it's o.k. To have feelings.

Read how you feel,perhaps it's time to consider how hard you have been working for your health sake.

I feel great but when it comes to going back to work it will be less intensive for me.

Maybe a work life balance will form in your favour,you will soon reset your body clock,that's nature but do it for all the right reasons.

Wish you well,be good to yourself,you deserve to.

[En1234 in reply to Phillipaussie]

Hey there and thanks for you message.

Its 7.30am and I am up and ready and dont start for another 2 hours. Could hardly sleep last night but I am sure after today I will sleep like a log tonight. I know today will be an easy day as its the first day of training so I am sure there will be nothing too intense or complicated!!

Health-wise, physically, I dont think I have ever been in such good shape but mentally, I think now is the right time for me to get in among other people again. Over the end of April and the whole month of May I feel as though I have created a new routine for myself and have been living somewhat in my own wee bubble. Walking daily by myself (but enjoying it), coming home reading, watching telly, doing the housework etc, but a lot of the time just being in my own company but getting to the stage where I am SO comfortable I feel I could quite easily just live like this all the time. Realistically, I have bills to pay too and so need to go back to work. I think I have unintentionally "disconnected" myself from other people so when the scary feelings start kicking in its ten times worse because I have not really had anyone to speak to (hope this is making sense?).

I am being positive today.....

I am going back to work.

I am going to start earning MY money again.

I am and always have been a very independent individual. (I have just fallen off the horse, struggled to get back, and when I did, fell back off again, but now I am well and truly back in the saddle).

Today I am taking back control of my own life.

and as they say "I am feeling the fear, but doing it anyway!"....

I found a wee prayer in my local newspaper the other day and cut it out and put it in my purse. It says:

FAITH

In God whose word I praise

In God I trust and am not afraid

What can mere mortals do to me?

I am not a religious person but this appealed to me. This says to me that no matter what life throws at me, no matter how good or bad, no-one is going to put me against a wall and shoot me. Nothing is THAT bad!! (for me that is!). But this is just my interpretation!!

Anyway, thats some more time passed and I am going to have a nice cup of tea before I go for the bus!!

Will keep you posted and let you (all) know how my first day went!!

Theresa XXXXXXXX