I am 55 and my mother is 83 and we have never had a close relationship. I grew up feeling emotionally unsupported by both parents but especially my mother, and have had self-esteem and confidence problems all my life. Although she is healthy for her age, my mum's mobility is restricted by vertigo and laziness - she admits this. Ten months ago she moved to live a few minutes away from my husband and me in supposedly assisted living/sheltered accommodation, but will not make any attempt to socialize with residents unless we are there, and expects us to do all her shopping, drive her whenever she has to go out, do household chores and make calls she made herself until she moved. We feel taken for granted, and she has always been great at making snide comments about me, which means I can never relax when with her, and I'm now beginning to get anxious and fear depression (which I've had before) because I feel so trapped by her needs. My husband is too kind and does a lot for her, as he doesn't have the 'baggage' I have. Friends say, 'Just set boundaries' or 'Tell her you won't do such and such', but because I am so afraid of offending her and creating a bad atmosphere, I can't do it. My mum may live ten more years, as her own mother did, and although it's awful to admit it I am dreading it. I have considered counselling, but what I really want is not to feel responsible for my mother and for someone to share the burden.
Could anyone give me any advice on how to manage this situation?