Am I making my mother sick?

[Claire-Kelly]

Ive got a list of health conditions. Mainly chronic pain and fatigue. When I was a teenager, these started to show. For years I went undiagnosed. It ws stressful for my family. Especially my mum.

Fast forward 11 years, Im disabled and I lost my independence was taken when i was unable to work. My mum had to come to my house in the middle of the night because id be screaming in pain. It went on for years...

But now my mum is having health issues. Mainly her heart. She was discussing things with a nurse while some tests were being done. And the nurse brought up how she had to look after her own daughter who was an adult now. And it actually caused her heart problems. My mum did mention this and how stress can cause it. Now its all i can think about. How I’ll put her in an early grave for her having to look after me. I’m 27, i cant lose my mum anytime soon.

Its making me suicidal. That this burden has been too high. That i should back off from everyone. Keep them out the fallout area.

Its heartbreaking. I know if I died my mum wouldnt be able to go on. She told me thjs herself. But i have to back off enough to stop her poor heart from damage. Im a reclusive mostly anyway. Have friends but i dont really soend a lot time with people. Mainly my mum and a select few. I leave the house only for a nights for game nignts.

I dunno, i feel like im creating this sickness around me that my family can get hurt.

What can i do..

[hypercat54]

Hi stress can be a contributory factor in any illness but I wouldn't say stress by itself would cause heart problems. Anyway it's not your decision but your mum's and she will probably choose to still be your support as she clearly loves you dearly.

You didn't ask for your health conditions so you are in no way to blame. All you can do is try your best to help yourself as the happier you are the happier are those who love you. x

[Claire-Kelly in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you. Very kind words.

I know I’m lucky to have a great support and I know she’d do anything for me. But I still get this feeling that I shouldn’t lean so heavy on her. She runs about after people but especially me.

I just don’t want to be the reason she’s under so much pressure. I’ve told myself that I need to find other ways to cope.

But it is hard. I’m a bit of a recluse too so it’s hard for me to branch out properly...

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Claire-Kelly,

It sounds like you and your mum both have a lot to deal with healthwise. If the nurse actually did say looking after you is causing your mum's heart problems, that was a gross assumption by the nurse, and unprofessional. Yes, stress doesn't help in cardiac problems, but generally, except for rare cardiac conditions, stress is not a causal factor. I wonder if you both have explored applying for disability benefits, as well as contacting your local social services to request a home individual needs assessment to get support at home.

Carers UK - Needs assessment: carersuk.org/help-and-advic...

Carers needs assessment: carersuk.org/help-and-advic...

Carers Trust: carers.org/article/carers-a...

Citizens Advice Bureau - Benefits advice citizensadvice.org.uk/benef...

Government disabilities financial help:gov.uk/browse/disabilities

It would be worth discussing this information with your mum and your doctors, and hopefully there will be much needed help and support to help you both improve your quality of life.

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse and Moderator

[Claire-Kelly in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank you.. your help is appreciated so much. Very kind to reply with this information.

I’ll read over everything but I’m glad you replied.

[Hidden]

We are discussing cause and affect I suppose, you mention you suffer chronic pain. I suffer the same and that reacts and causes depression and anxiety. I have been like this for the same around thirty years and I know my diagnosis and my conditions have been verified.

Would you say your health concerns are linked to Anxiety, or visa versa. Chronic pain is a counterproductive pain that persists, generally over a long period in fact mine are set in for life.

The reason I ask is have you been offered courses to learn how to suppress your pain and have also learned how to describe it in numbers 1-10. Have you also had treatment for your Mental Health Concerns looked into by a CPN who is giving you support.

I am sorry To Ask it is just I am trying to work out how your condition presents itself and if I can help with some suggestions. The bottom line is if I can help control the pain that will help you with your Mental Health. Many pain sufferers need to work around their pain because chronic pain is as I say counterproductive and your outlook may be quite positive as you control your condition

BOB

[Jukieh]

It must be really hard for you everyday if you want to email me it [e-mail] x