Hi I'm new here. I am a mother of two young children, married, in college. I feel like I have the perfect life it's just I can't seem to enjoy it- or the people in it. I have been depressed and anxious for as long as I can remember so probably since I was a child, but now that I am an adult (23yrs old) It has gotten a whole lot worse. I was on medication lexapro but it ended up doing nada for me. Went to get prescribed something else and just cant bring myself to take them, simply cause a big part of me doesn't want to get better. I did therapy for a while. Ended up moving to a new state so I have to start over.
I am to the point in my illness I guess where I don't see whats the point in life. ( please don't give me the god crap I've been there and done that) Whats the point in trying your hardest only to die at a moments notice? Thats what our life is all leading up to is death. I think I'm just over this life and am ready to move onto what else is in store after- if there is one, and if there isn't then i'll be fine with that too.
My husband knows to an extent of the way I feel, but doesn't know how bad I want out. Or of my plans more or less. If he asks if i'm feeling ok and I say yeah he'll think I'm fine and not question it or if I'm feeling down and irritable he'll think I'm just in a bad mood, when actually I am fighting myself just to keep going and not clean out the medicine cabinet. I honestly would rather keep it that way. I'm a prideful person and would rather family not know my struggles.
I have all the resources in the world to get better but I can't pull myself out of this hole to do it. I physically feel like I can't. Idk how to describe it. It feels like anytime I try to get help such as calling a therapist my hands won't let me and I'll sit there just staring at my phone imagining how the session would go, what they'll ask and how little I'll respond. This week has been especially hard for me Idk why everything in my life is fine besides being extremely lonely but my depression won't let me go...or idk I won't let go of it. Sorry for being so long I haven't vented in... I don't think ever and I'm at my wits end with myself. Thank you for reading.
Hello Empty777, I can most definitely identify with everything you're going through. It sounds like you have quite a bit on your plate. Two children, going to school, a family to tend to etc... As for your huband's reaction to your depression/anxiety, I think I can understand that too. When you tell him you're doing okay or you tell him how bad you're feeling and he responds in the manner he does, it's probably the only way he knows how to cope with watching you deal with your depression. After all, he probably doesn't have a clue how to help you unless you tell him exactly how you'd like him to respond. My husband of 38 yrs. now, has always been supportive, but oftentimes he just didn't know what to say or do to help me.
I struggled with depression all my life, then I had my first child and the postpartum depression (back in the 80's when I was 24) finally took its toll and did me in. It landed me in a pshych ward for 3 months. Back then they had no real way of dealing with depression other than to use people as Guinea pigs and keep trying different meds (each of them which came with their own set of awful side effects.) Moving forward several years, I developed severe panic attacks where I often ended up in the ER again. Through my psychiatrist, I was finally given Lexapro (which I took for many years) for my depression and valium for my panic attacks. I'm no longer taking anything for depression, but I still take valium, only on occasion, not routinely.
Had it not been for a neighbor who took it upon herself to drag my butt out every day, get me involved and kept me busy, I very well may not be here today. My thoughts of ending it all encompassed my thoughts. The only thing that kept me from following through was the thought of leaving my children without their mother and the pain I knew it would cause them.
I sincerely hope you find the courage to get the help you need! Now, here's where I hope you'll take what I say and not hold it against me, as it may initially make you angry. That is truly not my intent! You see, now that my children are grown and and have lives of their own, I spend my days wishing I could get all those years back (where I caved to the effects depression and anxiety.) Please don't misunderstand me, I know that depression is real, but it needs to be addressed. Most of us have chemical imbalance in our brain that causes our depression. It needs to be treated, whether it be through psychiatric or holistic methods. Believe me, I understand the grip it has over you. The reason I say all this is because the day will come when you're going to wish you hadn't given so many great years of your life over to depression.
As of now my entire body is failing me and I'm almost completely homebound, unable to enjoy the things others take for granted, like going for a walk, going shopping, or going anywhere for that matter. We never know what the future holds. At your age, I assume you believe your body will always function rather well; that you'll always be relatively (physically) healthy. Well, that may be true, then again it may not. Trust me, my biggest regret in my whole life is all the years that I allowed depression to dominate and manipulate my very existence. I wish like hell I could go back in time and get those years back! I'd enjoy my kids no matter how bad they got on my nerves. I'd enjoy every waking moment because now, I physically CANNOT enjoy anything nor go anywhere at all! Unless there's some miracle cure out there for my undiagnosed conditions, life as I once knew it is over. For the past 2 years I can barely walk and the constant pain I contend with has left me unable to do anything at all, except concentrate on what I can't do and how much I wish I could go back in time to regain the years I allowed my depression to rule my life and ruin every great moment I took for granted.
Again, I sincerely hope you clearly understand what I'm trying to say. Please don't focus on what may come across as very negative and uncaring on my part. That's very far from true, as I honestly believe I completely understand your dilemma. Please force yourself to pick up that phone and get the help you and your family need and deserve. Please, for your sake and that of your family...find happiness in the things that surround you because one day that opportunity may be lost. I wish you the very best! Good luck on your journey to overcome. It may not be easy, but it's definitely worth trying your hardest to get better. It sounds so cliche', but I hope you can make some lemonade out of those lemons. My heart really does cry out for you because I've lived it myself!
I hold out every hope that you'll find and embrace the peace and happiness you deserve. Hopefully, it'll all come together sooner rather than later. Please take care of yourself! You aren't alone! I'll be thinking of and praying for you! Please forgive me for making this reply so long, but you're absolutely worth the time it took for me to write/type it. I'm wishing you the very best that life has to offer!
Traz60 your story touched me deeply and I have tears in my eyes now. It is true that youth is wasted on the young isn't it?
I am around your age and want to say don't hang on to too many regrets about the past as this is partially what made you the person you are today. That person comes across as having a very loving and caring heart filled with compassion for others.
I am very glad you are still with us today. Take care my lovely xx
Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful words, hypercat54. I sure hope that Empty777 gains something from them as well.
I truly didn't mean to bring tears to your eyes. I just hope to get through to anyone who is willing to listen, that they don't have to succumb to the effects that depression and anxiety can bring.
As they say...I wish I knew then, what I know now. I'm sure I would've still struggled, but I know without a doubt that I wouldn't have allowed it to consume me and strip away so many wonderful years of happiness. If I'm able to convey and change the thought patterns of just one person, I will feel as though I've done everything in my power to make a difference in this increasingly negative world.
You take care too, hypercat54! Im wishing you the very best!
Aw bless you Traz. Just been listening to Barbara Striesand singing Memory. What a song and so true.
We are just at different stages of our lives now which is natural so life is still good but in a very different way. I don't know about you but I worry sometimes I will lose my sheer b***** mindedness which has kept me going so long. I found out Tuesday night when I yelled at my darts team coz they were digging me out that I haven't The difference is now I don't walk out any more but stay and deal with it which has to be an improvement
Sounds like you too, have done some conquering, hypercat. Quite a liberating feeling, isn't it? I'm happy for you. Stay the course, my new friend. We'll both continue to overcome the challenges that each new day brings. Stay well!
Hi EmPty777 and welcome to this caring forum. Traz60 has sent a very helpful reply. Please see your family doctor who will want to help and support you. Could you take a family member or friend to the appointment to support you? Help, treatment and support is available to help you feel better, so please reach out for this. You deserve to be happy. You do so well, with looking after your home, young family and studying also. There may be a college counselling service that can provide help and support. It may help to write down how you are feeling and this may, in turn, help you to talk to your husband about this. You may find some of the Pinned Posts on the screen helpful. Try to take one step at a time and you will get there and stay on this caring forum so that you can receive support from other members who will understand how you are feeling. Are any other forum members able to help EmPty777, please? Take care and best wishes.
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The difference is now I don't walk out any more but stay and deal with it which has to be an improvement 
I don't want to be here anymore
Bored all the time/ can't find my passion and don't feel like getting out of bed ever
crisis team help for my son.
I don't want to do anything 
I NEED YOU ALL ONCE AGAIN. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.
