Had enough of helping and trying

[janey61]

Well here I am again two years into a relationship and it's coming to an end ...I can't cope been so I'll with flu and m.e .....have loved this man and his kids for two years and gone over and above supporting him through unemployment and debt ...his kids as well paying for their phones and fuel run my mileage up on my car ...my boys both have problems and my mum long story want to post more but just need some love and support through a very confusing and difficult time x

[En1234]

Thats a shame!!....I think you are going through a tough time just now but first and foremost you needed to look after YOU and get your health sorted. Get something for your flu and see if you can speak to your GP. If you were close to this man and he allowed you to get close to his kids, then your not just losing him, your losing them too and this is bound to hurt. They have been like a family (your family) for the last couple of years.

Try and take some time out to look after yourself. I wish there was something more positive and helpful I could say to you but just want you to know that your not on your own (not when you can come on here and have a chat). If there is any way to make this work, you should give it a go but only if its what you both really want but if the man wants to leave.....let him go!! You deserve to be happy. Staying in a relationship that is not working is a recipe for disaster. You just end up resenting one another.

Look after you and be happy!!

XXXXXXX

[Agora1]

janey61, woman to woman, love you and support you. You are never alone xx

[hypercat54]

Hi it sounds like you have given a lot to this relationship and much more than this man has. Do you find this is a pattern in your life? If so then you need to look for ways to break it and save yourself further heartbreak.

Look after yourself and put you first. x

[MAS_Nurse]

Oh Janey61, we feel for you! So sorry things are difficult for you and your heart must be aching. This is a safe place to share your feelings. We can at least give you a virtual {{BIG HUG}}. Words are often inadequate at times like these. Suffice to say, that you need to take care of your needs and your boys. and try to get stronger mentally and physically. I'm sure you are on medication for your MH conditions (looking at your profile), but may be when you are ready, you can access some counselling to help you talk through your confusing emotions and the situation that has arisen.

Do take care, keep posting. We are listening and are here for you.

Best wishes

[janey61]

Thankyou ..we are talking , both have lots of needs and problems deep down we love each other but it all seems against us ...my boys are wonderful but bully me and are a drain my mother has early dementia short term memory loss ...I have m.e and just get so tired of battling life itself ....finances bad on both sides ...feel more positive to day ...my fiancé still here and hugging which is what and all I really need from him ...his self esteem is on the floor following heart attack and job losses ...so I,m hanging in there ..youngest son had a ride home in a police car after attacking his carer , but I see why he got upset ...managing him is very tentative as he is autistic and can't cope with many many things ...any way thanks everyone . Need company and loving friendship more than anything right now I think ...mum is not a companion any more and both my boys are egotistical ...any way enough of my moans thankyou x

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Relationships should be 50/50. It sounds like yours is 100/0. If you have not maybe you need to communicate your problems with him. If he has no remorse heels and elbows as he walks out the door. It sounds like you are more than capable of taking care of yourself. In fact it may be easier. Of course I am a hypocrite so easier said than done. We are here for you though. ❤️

[Foof in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Hi tinker bell

You brought up something that I used to believe, but not any longer.

Relationships are not 50/50. They are 100% your own responsibility.

Yep, took me a while to get my head around this one..so,here goes.

My reaction to being 100% responsible to my relationship with my ex husband who did nothing filled me with anger and resentment.

How can we 100% responsible when some people don’t even do their 50%!!!

But what I eventually realised was...

My expectations of him were my own. My responsibility.

My trying to change him to be more like my expectations...my responsibility

My decision to stay knowing who he was...my responsibility

My decision to leave because I was not valued, supported or respected...my responsibility.

It was an epiphany moment. Empowering.

I wasn’t stuck in this horrible marriage. I was choosing to be there. Just a I chose to leave.

Don’t ever give away 50% of your responsibility to someone else. You give away your own power and your right to choose.

JANEY61

The running theme I am picking up here is that nobody around you respects you?

Harsh...

but that is because you have no respect for yourself. You treat yourself as less then nothing and set the blueprint for others to do the same.

You have a huge amount on your plate but you need love and support so much...that you are almost inclined to “ buy it “ with your support, care, love, money, body....

Yes you do need help.

Yes you need to feel loved and safe.

But until you do that to yourself, you invite others into your life who need the same and you are not strong enough to give it back to you. But in all essence that is not what you are offering to them...you are offering to rescue them when you are not able and at a huge cost to yourself.

For what you gain in your relationship.....what is the cost?

Seen as a cold hard transaction, who profits and who loses? Or is your gain worth what you give?

In other words if you removed what excess pressure your partner brings into your life, is it worth the fleeting moment of feeling safe and loved?

That’s your choice and only you can make it.

What I do know is

If nothing changes, nothing changes. As long as you can accept your choice, your suffering and struggling will diminish.

Take care xxxxx

[Celtic27]

Hi janey its a shame you have put so much in to this relationship to have tried your best ! Its time for a break enjoy life again try and live the life you wish you had ! I know its easy to say things when were on the outside looking in ! Take stock of your life and treat your self to a new you pamper your self and in time you will learn to trust someone again dont let one person put you off seeking true happiness god bless you david !

[Hidden]

Hi Janey61,

I'm sorry you are going through so much. You really tried to make your relationship work. Maybe you tried too hard. I have had needy people in my life (still do), and I learned that I can't be all things to all people. Trying to do that caused me to struggle more mentally and physically. What I'm saying may sound selfish...it probably is selfish. There comes a point when I have to cut off the people and things that cause an elevated stress level. If I can't cut them off, I have to do less and allow people to begin to stand on their own feet. Begin to allow people (children and significant others) to find their own way. You love them and you want them to become more independent. Love yourself and let go of what you need to. You can do this. Pull the strength and courage from deep inside yourself. The change will be rough in the beginning but it's best for everyone.

Blessings!

[Betty30]

I don't know how old your boys are, but they are feeling resentful and are definitely picking up that you are being used... and its the only way they know how to express their anger. The reason for my 'strong reaction' against your being used...is been there--done that... You couldn't convince me of that, however, at the time... I made every excuse under the sun for him and felt that absolutely nobody else 'understood' him or me. I promise you...you need and deserve MORE than a 'hug' from him.... Perhaps he really does 'love you'...and I am sorry that he had a heart attack and wish him well on that score, but now you have an added excuse not to abandon him and guilt yourself into staying... I so wish you could visit with a therapist. You see, I did that, too...but I STILL continued to make excuses for my ex-husband...(because not even the therapist really 'understood')....The best thing that ever happened (besides my 2 wonderful children) was that he actually ended up asking ME for a divorce...I agreed because I still wanted to please him, feeling he would someday come back to me and the children. A year later, you couldn't have handed him back to me on a silver platter. I THEN understood what the therapist was saying.

[janey61 in reply to Betty30]

Thanks Betty , yes I see your points but my boys have their own issues also it is never as straight forward as it seems is it ...

[Betty30 in reply to janey61]

I appreciate what you said, Janey....and I know that YOU know the 'real' situation better than any of us... But here goes ye olde record again! I still think you would benefit talking with a therapist...its like a landland for YOU to hold onto...and maybe he/she might come up with some ideas about your boys, too. I am sure you are a very nice person, Janey...I just would like to see you get some well deserved help and encouragement in a way that would really help you. Best wishes!

[janey61 in reply to Betty30]

Thanks ..yes have had therapy in the past ..finance is an issue now also ...I will be ok things seems better today ..already ...

Life is just so complicated at times x