Terrible Person

[Jennie-88]

Didn't know where to turn to! Hope you don't mind me ranting here I'm really struggling at the moment with postnatal depression (my daughter is 5mths old). I'm on antidepressants, which are OK but I think I need to up the dose. Generally I've just been getting by, my daughter brings me so much happiness but I can't help but feel so sad and lonely (I'm a single mum). After battling with my conscience since I found out I was pregnant and waiting to hear back from the baby's father (he never did contact), I decided that my daughter deserves to know who her father is. Tried to contact him again and again, to no avail. In my stupid head, I thought it would be a good idea to message his wife (I never knew about her by the way... He told me he was single, and it was a one night stand... You don't really question that do you?). So, I messaged her and asked her to get him to contact me. She replied, asking who I was and why I wanted to speak to her husband (colourful language used of course, her not me). I'd planned how to deal with it in my head, how the conversation would go and I completely messed it all up. She called me, basically to give me abuse. She screamed at me, screamed at him, he denied ever saying he was going to contact me again (he actually told me at the time that he needed to get his head around it and would be in touch... He never did). She's put all of the blame on me, which I understand as she is very upset but I tried to reason with her, I told her I had no idea he was married, I told her it was a one night stand and I told her I just wanted to do right by my daughter.

I can't help but feel like such an awful person, I wanted to deal with it delicately but my stupid feelings and frustrations took over. I literally feel like the worst person in the world right now, I've upset her and turned her life upside down. It makes it worse as they have children too.

[hypercat54]

Hey stop blaming yourself! You wanted your daughter to know her father which is a very laudable thing to do after all. It doesn't sound like under the circumstances it was ever going to happen. Of course his wife is furious and is lashing out at everyone - wouldn't you in her place? You just happened to be caught in the backlash that's all so it was nothing to do with you and not your fault in any way.

I hope she verbally killed her cheating hubby and kicked him out. He is the one at fault in all this. He wanted to have his cake and eat it and got caught out and doesn't like it so he is lying through his back teeth to try and save his marriage. If he ever tries to come crawling back to you I hope you show him the door and never let him back in your life.

Concentrate now on your lovely baby and yourself and make the best life possible for you both. That's where your priorities lie now. x

[En1234]

This is just so sad!! My heart goes out to you and your little one, but I also cant help feeling really sorry for this guy's wife. What did she do to deserve this?? But that is NOT your fault. You were deceived into believing this guy was free to be with you and he obviously wasnt. She is stuck with this man but you are not!! You now have a lovely child, your very own "wee person" who you can pour all your time and effort into. Make it your life's work to make sure she has a great life, lots of love, attention, stability and although she only has one parent (at the moment?), that is all she will need and want as long as she knows you are always there for her. Forget about him and his wife, they need to deal with their own problems but you are well rid of him!! I think the worse thing you can do is try and force him to see a child he does not want to see. You cannot make someone do something they just dont want to do!!

Hopefully, you will meet someone else who will want to be there for you and your child, but you have the upper hand now. You make sure the next man who comes into your life is someone who wants BOTH of you and only someone who you think is GOOD enough for you both. Be very fussy!!....You have a right to be!!

My son is 19 now and his father left me when I was 7 months pregnant. My lovely boy has never seen or spoken to his father and he is as happy as Larry!! His father was my partner and decided late into my pregnancy that it was "not what he wanted anymore"???...He left to go and live in America and I have not heard or seen from him since!!...I have had 2 relationships since. The first guy was an overbearing lout and this only lasted a couple of weeks so my son never met him!! He was only introduced to the second one and that was when he was ten. Turns out this man was actually terrorising my son behind my back and I didnt know and my son was too afraid to tell me. I walked in on him one day shouting and bawling at my son when he thought I wasnt there ( he though I was out at our local shop) and I couldnt believe what I was hearing. The look on my son's face broke my heart. He was petrified!! To think that I had brought this "monster" into our lives. If it had not been for the fact that I had forgotten my purse and had to go back to the house I would have been none the wiser. He was very, very quickly shown the door!!

Your child, like mine, is the most precious thing and she should come before any man. It might be hard but try and forget about this creep if he decides he does not want to face up to any responsibility where your child is concerned. But if he does, I would go down the legal route and get some contact plans put in place. (Although I dont know what his wife would think of this). Personally, I would try and just let him go and get on with looking forward to having a good life with your wee one!!

Good luck!! XXXX

[En1234 in reply to En1234]

Can I just add, I didnt mean for this post to sound as though all men are bad, nasty creatures. They're not. There are LOTS of lovely guys out there!!! XX

[AjMiki]

Very true En1234, we are not all prehistoric warriors of the male egotistical world, I myself find Jennie's problem all to common, a one night stand, but I'm presuming this was something more than that and telling his wife either way was the correct thing to do. I suspect it's not the first time this clown has done this.

Jennie my advice is simple, this is completely the other way round, it is him and her who should and will be feeling guilty about all this. Stop taking on their crap, your dealing with post natal depression which is way more important than anyone else's feelings. Speak with your GP further push for counselling in order to discuss this through with someone skilled and independent from all this. Stay away from contacting them for say another 3 months, get yourself better, stronger and focused- then decide what you want to do and best for you and your child. Remember his legal and financial obligations if that's something you feel important, but ultimately do not allow him to dictate as and when he wants to contact you and play daddy! It don't work like that, if he was concerned in any way, you would not have had to resort to the lengths you have in order to get him interested - sack him off.

[PNIAuthor60]

My mother never married any of the men she had relationships/children with - I never got to meet her in my lifetime. She has died. She gave me up when I was 13 days old and I became a ward of the court at 3 months. She told me nothing of who my father was and I doubt that he knows that he has a daughter who will turn 63 years old this July.

While I can appreciate your wanting your daughter to know her father - the fact is that you do not know the man either. This is the saddest part. Despite already being in what one would think was a committed relationship with the mother of his own children, he slept with someone else.

I can only pray that your daughter does not grow up erroneously believing lies about her value as a little girl because of the lack of knowing her father. We kids seem to internalize what we don't understand as meaning that we are somehow defective or broken.

Do the best job you can as her mom, help her to feel loved and when the day arrives (and believe me it will) please be honest about your own mistakes and how it contributed to the lack of a father in her life.

[Stilltrying_]

Heartfelt and so insightful a response PINAuthor60 I've noticed you have so much wisdom which helps us all on here. So thank you. Gemmalouise