Losing a parent

[Livinginthepast]

Mum suffered a long battle with cancer she died aged 70 that was 18 years ago, I still miss her we were similar in many ways as are my father & his daughter she is diagnosed with schizophrenia anyway Dad is 92 in hospital & it looks like he may not be coming out - even though we never got on & I have nothing but negative memories I am devastated, cannot explain it, I keep telling myself 92 is a good age & everyone dies but even though we have not seen each other for over 6 years the thought of him no longer being around is tearing me apart.

[Hidden]

It sounds like there are a lot of feelings catching up with you right now and I guess they raise memories of the loss of your mother as well. It's natural you still miss her. We often have difficulty in overcoming the loss of people when we feel ambivalent towards them and I wonder whether that is why you are feeling his impending loss. It may also be why you have struggled with losing your mum, because if you have negative memories of your father perhaps you blamed her a little for the way he was. I wonder do you have anyone apart from your father that you are close to? Maybe a friend or partner? We all need people we can rely on for care but it sounds as though you have never quite replaced something you found with your mum, maybe security. You say your father's daughter has schizophrenia and that may be linked to your father's behaviour as there is some evidence that people with schizophrenia do better when they are away from their parents, the parent may not be the cause but can trigger the symptoms. Perhaps that links with your negative memories of your father. I wonder whether you also loved your father as all children do love their parents even when they were horrible to them. I used to remember hating my father and did tell him so on one occasion when I was a child and he left shortly afterwards. However as a result of therapy I remember that I did also adore him and wanted his love, but he was so horrible to me that I repressed those feelings and instead remembered only the hate. I wonder whether that may be what happened with you.

Your father has had a very long life and none of us live forever, but perhaps you can make your peace with him and then you will not have such difficulty in coming to terms with his loss as you have with your mum's loss.

Suex

[MsSad]

hi,

i'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain

hugs

Nikki

[Hidden]

Yeah I am too. Would it be possible to visit him? even if you don't want to? You might find some closure that way. I had a very negative relationship with my mother. When she ended up in a home though, to my total surprise, we ended up forging a new more satisfying relationship. When she died I had no unfinished business and moved on without difficulty. Lots of hugs

[Gambit62]

My father died over 10 years ago and there are times when I really miss him - particularly spring and autumn - he died in the spring and there is just something about the light around the equinox ...We were very close. Not so close to my mother who is still alive ... really not close at all if truth be told, other than geographically. I really don't know how I am going to react to her death when it comes - and will deal with the feelings when they come but I know that they could be quite complex. I think sometimes that when we have a bad relationship with someone - particularly a parent - there is a bit of us deep down that hopes that there might somehow be a healing but when they die its a cut off point at which that becomes an impossibility and that's one reason why the death of a parent that we weren't close to can hit us in ways that we aren't expecting ... and may be there is a bit of that going on with you. He's probably not in a place at the moment where you could talk to him about things which is probably going to make the inner turmoil even worse.

Try not to get cross with yourself for feeling angry or destressed by the negativity you feel. Go visit him if you can. May be writing him a letter even if you don't give it to him or read it to him - all the things you are feeling - might help.

[Livinginthepast in reply to Gambit62]

Thanks I can understand how you feel it is ironic at this time of year signs of a new beginning with nature are all around with flowers coming into bloom & birds looking for nesting material a stark contrast with life that is coming to an end for some & a reminder of just how temporary life is for all of us...........

[jillylin]

Very gentle hugs. Bereavement and also waiting for a bereavement really churns us up. Nothing can ever prepare us for what we experience, not just with the physical loss but also with the effects of memories, especially memories that have a very negative impact. I think part of the problem is we are wishing a particular relationship could have been different and it's too late to resolve the situation. I always describe it as being a double bereavement. We mourn the person we are losing but we are also mourning the loss of what we should have had , had the relationship been different.

Gentle hugs

Jillyxx

[Livinginthepast in reply to jillylin]

Thanks the gentle hugs help......the therapist I see tells me some people have a better relationship with a parent once they have died, not sure I understand that, no matter how bad things were I will be sad to have him pass, as you say whilst alive somehow their is still some hope no matter how remote, I made a point of telling Mum & Dad that I loved them (which was something quite taboo for some reason) it went down like a lead balloon with deadly silence, Id guess they probably thought I was on drugs but still I felt it important at the time,

[jillylin in reply to Livinginthepast]

It doesn't matter that you telling your mum and dad you loved them went down as a lead balloon. What matters is you did say it and you will never have to live with having not said it. It was important to you at the time and you did.

Gentle hugs

Jillyxx

[Livinginthepast]

Thanks - it is a unique set of circumstances & negative experiences with him that I may get a chance to explain to you all sometime ...............yes I admit while alive there is always hope of a reconciliation but that will never be at the moment Im caught in the turmoil what feels like a volcanoe in my head constantly pouring out bad memories & I can not stop it............thanks for every reply you all have helped me & I am very greatful

[Hidden in reply to Livinginthepast]

It's actually good that the memories are coming to the surface, you may find it helpful to write them down rather than hope they will go away, it is likely to help you to bring them into a form where you can talk or write to others about them and thereby begin to let them go. Suex

[Hidden]

A reconciliation may not be possible now specially if he is so poorly. For a long time I wanted 'revenge' on my mother then it changed to 'understanding and enlightment'. I realised this was never going to happen. The revenge thing because I couldn't badger an old woman and live with myself. The second one because if we could have understood one another we would have done a long time ago. It was much too late for that. Let that negativity go Livinginthepast. You don't need it or want it. One way to do that is to visit your father. Don't bring up the past or look for things that really don't matter anymore. It's too late and it's gone. Visit him, stick to niceties and talk to him on a superficial level. Ask him how he is, does he need anything etc. Like I said previously I did that with my mother and even though we didn't talk about the past directly our new relationship meant I understood her more and some of those questions resolved themselves. You know better than to treat your father the way he treated you - show him this,

[Livinginthepast in reply to Hidden]

A nice idea but knowing Dad as I do the critical nasty person inside will always be there so far as I'm concerned.

Then do I really want any more of his put downs & criticism never mind the rejection that I've always found so hurtful

No, I know you mean well but as I see it with him there really is nothing more to say

[Hidden in reply to Livinginthepast]

I understand your decision Livinginthepast. My mother sounds like similar to your dad. I had a lot of rejection and self esteem issues over the years due to her. What I am saying is you can change your relationship. Laugh off any hurts he tries to give and try not to take it seriously. Don't react in other words. Distance yourself and your thoughts. Not easy - but if you can do that you might find it helps and you will find closure easier. For your sake - not his.

[FallenAngel]

My mum died 18 months ago with dementia and the pain still has a hold on me , I miss her everyday she was 68 no other health problems . People tell me it gets better , so far it doesn't , I cry everyday for her , she has left a gaping hole in my life that can not be filled.

[Livinginthepast in reply to FallenAngel]

Yes I can understand Mum died 18 years ago & I do still miss her but it does get easier in time, (slowly)

I console myself with the thought that she is no longer suffering as she did for years with cancer

[Livinginthepast]

The problem is coughalot1 Dad would not be happy to see me, he never has been I would get some criticism or negative response........I have talked for the past 3 years to a counsellor about him every week & still doubt I will ever really understand what made my father tick....he has always seemed jealous & bitter & hateful OK I have not been perfect but it still does not explain things we have established Dad was the cause of many of my problems, there have been times I have felt like I could throttle him - yet now it seems his time has come I feel confusion & sadness.

One example when Mum was in hospital I took Dad to visit I could not face the hospital ward myself & sat in the car, later Dad came out & we went in together pretending Dad was the sick one as he leaned onto me I got to see Mum but had bouts of uncontrollable shaking as well as massive anxiety attacks, days later Dad criticised me "fancy letting your Mother see you like that" as if I could help it !!

He would always put me down "aren't you big" he'd say yes Dad aren't you weedy I replied he has always been like that critical nasty tempered & rejecting me,

One particular incident in 2005 led to me breaking of contact although I did ring him on the odd occasion "No thanks" was one of his responses & he put the phone down......so sadly I had to give up & realise I would never get the love or acceptance that I always craved.

His daughter who is similar natured to him can do no wrong during one incident she attacked him smashing a plant pot in his face he needed a skin graft but he defended her by saying it wasn't really her it was her illness that did it..................so I came to the conclusion I could never win with him no matter how I tried but along with so much negativity I still have feelings & sadness

I have ruled out trying to see him because of my extreme agoraphobia & that I see no point, there really is nothing to say anymore.

I do write in depth about my feelings towards him & all the bad past experiences & hope to be able to let them all go as I let him go when that time comes.

Thanks all for your patience & hopefully understanding, I really have no one else to share this with as other people I find seem to have far different experiences mainly loving or supporting parents certainly nothing at all like my father

[Gambit62 in reply to Livinginthepast]

Good that you are able to write about it a bit - sorry to hear about the agoraphobia.

My relationship with my mother was a bit similar - always felt she was critical - and even now she can be exactly the same - though don't think it was as spiteful as your dad - and I'm really sorry about that.

Writing this because I can really relate to the difficulties talking about parental relationships that weren't good - it's like there is a taboo about it. Often hits me on Mothering Sunday because I could never really get my head around people feeling positivity about the concept of mother ...

[Livinginthepast in reply to Gambit62]

The thing what always bugged me was to the outside world my parents seemed perfect, it was behind closed doors the normal bad atmosphere resumed as a child I would look forward to the tv repairman calling (they used to go wrong more in those days) because for a while the house was happy

Over the years people would say aren't your Mum & Dad nice & I wish my parents were like that hmm if only they knew it was all a front a veneer, very sad & very damaging to me

[Gambit62 in reply to Livinginthepast]

To some extent it was similar with my mother - she would just get really angry with me and it wouldn't be clear what would make her angry - same situation on different days would have different results. It wasn't until a friend of hers said to me in my 20s how proud my mother was of me that I realised she ever had a good word to say for me. She was very active in the community and I never felt I could really talk to people about things. My father tried to act as peacemaker between us ... and it was only in my late 40s that a friend from school days observed that my mother had always been much harder on me than she was on my brother.

I'm really sorry that things were so hard for you - it does affect what we are and how we cope (or not) with life. The unpredictability meant that I fall into an anxious profile when it comes to dealing with difficulties - ie the pathways in the brain that allow people to calm themselves didn't quite develop as they should have so things end up just going round and round rather than fizzling out of their own accord. I think you can learn to do things different and find ways of not getting trapped in the loops but as you get older it gets much more difficult.

[Hidden in reply to Livinginthepast]

Sounds familiar too, people used to say 'aren't you lucky' which made things seem even worse for me as I then felt guilty for not feeling lucky - I used to wish I had other parents or was sent to boarding school, even fantasised being adopted by other people. How sad life can be.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

Yes I constantly used to make up stories about being adopted and fantasising that I came from India or I was an orphan and suchlike

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

Why India? I'm interested as I did similarly but am quarter Indian which explains it - I wonder whether you have Indian blood in you or just wished you had?

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

I don't really know why India. As far as I know I have no Indian blood, but I always used to wish I was brown and I used to make up this story about an Indian Uncle who had lots of big elephants ! I also used to make up stories about finding out I was adopted (which I wasn't unfortunately!) and stories about being an orphan. I used to pray also to have a younger brother but my mum was not able to have children after me as she was so ill while carrying me. She was sick every day. It was just before the thalidomide scandal; I was so lucky that my mum did not take that drug.

[Hidden in reply to Livinginthepast]

You had a lot of sad experiences with your Dad and at the time they must have seemed confusing too, constant put downs and then not really wanting to know you as a son. I had similar experiences with my Dad and it took me very many years to come to terms with having lost him years ago, so that by the time he actually died I realised he was just a frightened old man and could let him go without too much emotion as I had already grieved his loss. I guess you need to grieve for all the things he never gave you because he never could, probably because of his own experiences, It sounds as if he didn't know how to love which means he also didn't know what it was to be loved. It is all so sad, but letting go of the father he wasn't but that you always wanted him to be will help you to accept he isn't that man, he is just an old man who sadly did nothing but hurt you. I don't know whether you have children but if you have then at least you can do things differently, and if you haven't then you can share what you learned with other people so they can learn how to love themselves and so perhaps be able to love their children.

Suexx

[Stilltrying_]

Hi living in the past, I have had the same thing. From time to time I get from people how wonderful my mum is and what an inspiration. She is not all bad (people rarely are) but she is quite strongly narcissistic and sort of has her view of the world; she is ok if you don't challenge (mostly). She has very high expectations of everyone around her and looking back it is ironic but I feel the unnaturally high expectations made me unable to really achieve anything especially work wise. I have suffered from depression and low self esteem for most of my life. Often I feel confused. She is a strong character and very confident and I feel weak and "pathetic" by comparison, but then it is she who has put me in this position I feel by being how she is; she could never "mother" us; it was all about her and her needs.

I have got into terribly desperate situations in the past which you may hardly imagine . I have struggled so much. I have literally had to rebuild my personality and create my own self ; now I am managing to do so more though ironically they are pleased, but I have done all this in despite of what they are like not because of what they are like. It can be very confusing. I am still not working, living in accomodation for people with mental health problems. Although they know I have problems it does not make any difference to the way they treat me; I still have to do things for them and "look good" and be the dutiful daughter etc. I remember once when I was desperate I tried to go and stay with them. I stopped one night as my mum would not stop her shouting at my dad even when they knew I wanted peace and quiet and harmony. It is terribly sad. Even now my mum can know I am desperate, which I mainly keep in as much as I can but it does not stop her from having a childish rant about something and then I have to go into overdrive to try and deal with her on top of how I am already feeling. My dad the same; in theory he aknowledges i have a problem but never really wants to know. He'll say "I just want to see you smile", which translates roughly as "shut up going on about things, just smile and be happy" !! (but I am not prepared to do anything to make you so)

I think it is hard because even when they are gone we still need that parent we never had. We are still incomplete and struggling. As you may know I am 55 both my parents are still alive. I have never married or had children (as I keep saying as I am really so sorry about that wasted life) and whilst I have improved massively from all the therapy I have had I don't think I have had the full life I should have had and so in some ways I'm still clinging to those relationship. I don't think I will feel either a big relief or a sadness when they are gone. I will feel more alone . I am hoping and praying I am equipped enough to "survive" without them. You might feel from what I have been through that I would feel released but I doubt it.

Anyway this wasn't meant to be particularly about me. It was just meant to share. I can see aspects of myself in what you say. You may need to share more on here ; I think it is a relief to talk about stuff.

Whatever you decide in your present situation, I wish you well. Gemmalouise x

[Livinginthepast in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thanks for the replies.......one memory that popped up earlier was after Mum died Dad was understandably depressed I felt sorry for him & decided to be there more for him unlike my sister who had kept her distance - he then told me he needed someone stronger (mentally) & not weak like me......another occasion I rang him he was very down & told me how he felt like he wanted a good argument with someone, so I arranged to call picked him up & we went to a country pub I ordered a couple of drinks we sat down, right then he began his arguing with me, I could not make it up - honestly he was the spitting image of the Victor Meldrew from One foot in the grave

He has only ever been happy when he had his daughter in his life they had long spells when Mum was alive that they didn't speak Mum would say we haven't heard from Ann & then Dad would do his Ann who is that I don't think I know her, Ann who ?

These were the sort of "games" he used to play when I think Mum went through a lot of suffering during her marriage I often wonder what ever she ever saw in him ?

Anyway it really helps to talk to people who have an understanding thanks to everyone who replied, I will update this when I hear what the situation is with him.

PS another thing I recall somehow it came into conversation I asked him what he thought of Adolph Hitler, don't you think he was evil I said....No I admire him he replied for achieving what he did, really can you beat that ?

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

It is sad that you have never felt able to marry or have children, but it is not a wasted life, you are offering who you are here and that will help all of us who read what you write - we share knowing what it is to be unhappy, what some people call depression.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

Yes I am sad about the time I have lost and my identity is still a bit mixed up as it doesn't follow a coherent line; its like I'm snippets of people. In some ways I'm ok, in other ways I'm not; i just don't know what i feel or who I am really. I'm normally pretty good at "putting on a performance" if you like and being there for people when I need to be.(but only in short bursts) Its so difficult to explain what it is for me. Like yesterday I visited my Deaf lady and I feel I do support her and give her something and that I can do that for people. But there is a "history" of myself missing. She was going round the photos of the whole family and all the grandchildren. They all have MA's BSC's etc ... her husband who is now very old and has recently developed Alzheimers but used to support her completely and they have obviously had a very happy marriage indeed. I can see of course that not being Deaf I am lucky and I can see also that she talks about her family because that is her achievement. I am genuinely glad to support and listen to people; at the same time its like it seems ok for everyone else to have this but it is expected that its ok that this was never meant for me. I am a sweet and loving "girl" but I am 55 but have not "moved on" and done that whole thing.

At the same time I feel more mature than my parents and am actually supporting them emotionally and practically and yet they've somehow managed life with all their defects whilst I've spent my life in therapy and in mental health clinics and not really moving on from them. It makes me both angry (but then I sometimes can't believe the anger; has all this really happened to this "little girl" in me? Was it inevitable that she had to suffer like she did? Why was there and has there been no real aknowledgement of this? Is all this that I feel "just a story I am telling myself". Like I say they are both pleased now I am improving but I don't feel that their behaviour has changed much at any point in the process. I am still considered to be "ill" but this has no real meaning for them as they still make in my opinion the demands that they would have done anyway and cannot engage at any real level with anything other than themselves.

.

One of the best things that happened to me on here was when MsSad said it was also ok for me to talk about myself even though she was going through something. I think that is what has been lacking in my background. There is never any room or it seems the wrong time or it seems insignificant.

I am still struggling as like Victor said in another post what I really want is to build authentic relationships. I do mix with people, I do meet people, I make huge efforts. It is difficult For example last week I planned a walk with someone. I know I

have to be "up" and conversational and communicative. Yes it went well as do many things but there is not the "comfort" or the "intimacy" element. They do say that eventually things will come to someone who waits but I do wonder if I will spend the rest of my life on my own. It does get me mad as I am a lovely person which does get appreciated yes but then the full reciprocation that I want from another person is not there. I have got a feeling that the neediness that my mum has (which gets filled partly by me and partly by other people) the same thing exists in me. I wonder if it is a character flaw i have picked up from her or because I fulfill that role for her if I think that level of intensity is what is to be expected in a relationship whereas in reality maybe that is co-dependency?(or actually really "unmet need" which somehow still needs to be met by myself) In other words something "normal" or "routine" does not feel "deep "enough for me. Not sure.... I haven't worked it out yet. Part of it is that I always feel "down" and "incomplete" sometimes very panicky in all reality and so have to either push myself up to be with other people and also play down the panicky as that is seen as a personality disorder which I don't want to admit I have!!!??? I know people have said before that it's just a label but it offends me and in my mind it diminishes me. I've even got the CPN to admit I don't have it fully, but clearly there is something wrong with me as I've been ill since my teens; so I sort of know I can't have it both ways but it grates. grrrr........

(PS I know this is all about me, but also it may help others to share) Gemmalouise. x

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

I don't have time to reply in any length now as I have to unpack shopping, but I can identify with so much of what you say, the 'more mature than my parents' bit and I guess the reason why you haven't been able to move of fully is that certain needs from the past are still unmet - of course they never can be fully met, something that necessitates grief, but it is possible to get the kind of understanding (intimacy) you needed then from other people now in part, the issue is how to let yourself find that 'part' enough.

I'll try to come back later but if I forget then keep on writing.

Suex

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

Ok Sue, I will remind you,(I just have!) as I would really like your insights into this as I think it could help me. I know you frequently recommend psychodynamic counselling by the way but I would be more interested in what you have to say here and now about it rather then recommending me to someone else You can PM if you prefer, either is fine.

Gemmalouise. x

Ps just read you've gone for the administrator work on here. Perfect for you Sue! You will be fab! x

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

Hi Gemmalouise

Firstly, I am happy to offer whatever insights I am able to and glad you find them helpful.but I must clarify that I cannot offer therapy on a website although what I say may be helpful and therefore therapeutic.

You are right that I sometimes recommend psychodynamic therapy - it is not for everyone - but for people who find their depressive symptoms not shifting despite long term medication AND who want to understand WHY they are depressed then I think psychodynamic therapy can offer an experience other kinds of therapies can't.

The reason it can bring about deep change is related to the way the therapy works which is why it isn't possible to offer psychodynamic therapy on a website like this - because although developing insight is an important part of the therapeutic process and can enable an ability to cope better with symptoms, within the model lasting change comes about through experiences within the therapeutic relationship itself. The relationship between therapist and patient is important in all models of counselling and therapy but within psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapy (they are fairly interchangeable) the relationship is a main focus of the therapy based upon the idea that we unconsciously re-play our early experiences when we are in relationships which include factors that were present within our earliest relationships - for example if we are dependant upon someone then unless we have learned differently through subsequent experiences our expectations will be those we learned within our earliest relationships because those were the ones that gave us the rules for living, the basis of our understanding of ourselves and others. It is for that reason that the relationship with the mother is considered so important, it relates to our being dependant at the earliest stages of life for the way our personality can be enabled to develop in one direction or another.

Those ideas bring me to thinking about what you say about yourself and the main thing that strikes me about what you write is that there seems to have been a role reversal within your relationship with your parents whereby you were responding to their needs rather than them responding to yours. By that I do not mean that they intentionally hurt you, though they may have, or that they didn't love you - it may be that they loved you very much - but I mean they were unable to meet certain of your emotional needs as a result of their own unmet needs. I think you already have some insight into that having happened to you but that you have not had an experience of therapy wherein the therapist understands at a really deep emotional level and can FEEL what has happened to you through the way you relate to them. Most therapies work with empathising but not with the therapist using their understanding about what is being done TO THEM by being in a relationship with you - I do not mean you intentionally abusing them but how the way you relate TO THEM makes THEM feel and what that says about the way YOU were treated by your parents.

It would not help if I went into lots of detail about how you may be feeling and why I think you may be feeling that way - you would simply get intellectual insight which you are already capable of. However I will say that from your comment about your being 'snippets' of people I would suggest that your parents, perhaps particularly your mother, was unable to hold you in mind (think about you and relate to you) as a separate person with a cohesive character - in other words that she was unable to recognise and respond to you as the person you were becoming because her own personality difficulties got in her way, that she simply did not have that capacity.

In terms of how you might shift the effect of those experiences there is no easy way. If you are able to afford private therapy you might consult with a UKCP registered psychoanalytic psychotherapist and work with him or her for a period. I realise that may be unlikely. Sadly the NHS cannot and will not now fund lengthy therapies so you are unlikely to find a way of experiencing such a therapy without going privately. However what you can do is to express and share your feelings about that, the anger and grief you must feel about being unable to find a way to get your needs met by the people who SHOULD be meeting them - and ironically that may help you to process feelings that also relate to your parents not having met your needs adequately.

I am sorry about the length of my response. I decided to write here as I know some other people who use the website will have had similar experiences to your own and hope my response may also help them to understand something about their situation.

I hope you manage to find a way to let yourself NEED help and support here and find it enough to in some way compensate for what you did not get in the past.

Take care and keep writing,

Suexxxx

[Livinginthepast in reply to Hidden]

Just wanted to add my own little snippet of information here.......during my illness which began with anxiety then panic attacks agoraphobia & severe depression I have tried many things, my first encounter with a psychiatrist was very scary, OK I have always been an anxious person but when I asked this person what the tablets we for (it was hard to understand his poor english) he replied either I took them or Id be admitted & forced to take them, he pointed toward one of two male attendants standing outside his office - I never returned, instead desperate I sought out a hypnotherapist in the local paper.

It was unreal as I began to relay what happened he stopped me & almost word perfect told me the details, I get most of my patients from people who have seen Mr xxxxxxx he said.

I began to have relaxation / hypnotherapy which helped a little but mainly the initial phone call had been a lifeline to me.

This was around 30 years ago Id like to think things have changed now, I have tried many things cognitive behaviour therapy did not work for me, many different pills diazepam which have helped many short term bad episodes loads of anti depressants & 3 years ago pscycho dynamic therapy - it is on the NHS albeit after a long wait, Im not sure if it is the therapy or just getting on well with someone who seems to have got to the root cause of my problems, it is no miracle but I thought Id share my info with you.

(Incidentally I have seen quite a few similar patients around my own age over the years at self help groups etc & the same psychiatrist name crops up - yes he was an utter b****** is the general comment, of course he is long retired now)

Good luck

Dave

[Hidden in reply to Livinginthepast]

He was abusive! Glad you had a better experience later in therapy. Sue

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

Hello Sue and thank you for your lovely reply. Yes I agree it is good for other people to read these posts as there are people in similar circumstances and it could just "ring true" for someone else as well.

Yes I agree with you about my parents being unable to hold me in mind. My mum is very narcissistic with all that this implies .My dad is just rather limited. He seems to have the tools necessary for his immediate survival but is not very able or willing to reach much outside of himself and does tend to be very parochial and petty minded ! He is not a Bad man though and neither of them are evil ; just very self absorbed.

I've had various therapies over the years. I was a lot more disturbed years ago than I am now. I do feel I have insight now but still struggle with the slowness of everything and not quite sure how to make those right links with people. I am also at the point wherein I think that action may work for me rather than more psychotherapy but having said that I can see how the scenario you have described could work with the right therapist.

I do wonder also if a similar thing could happen within a relationship with the right partner. (It would have to be the right partner though) I do think that often in relationships people sort of "nurture" these wounded sides of each other, but of course one has to find a good fit for that to work.

I will keep writing. In all honesty a bit fatigued at the moment as decided to make the most of the nice weather today and have another clear out!

Hence a not particularly lengthy response but I will read it all again what you wrote when I am less tired, and I am always thinking on things and looking for the way through.

gemmalouise x

Ps it has been put in slightly the wrong place and obviously refers to your reply to me but hopefully you'll have worked that one out!

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

Yes, to the last point - and I agree with you that working things through in the outer world is better than more therapy, especially if you are lucky enough to meet someone who is good for you in the most important ways - as I have. I met my husband through the Guardian soulmates - but the important thing was that I was completely open in the phone message I left and went with my gut feel which is self-protective but also willing to jump into the deep end without too much thought when necessary - it proved far from ideal, but nonetheless really good for me and undoubtedly what I needed and the best I could possibly have found at the time, and for providing me with that I love my husband so can't be bad! He drives me mad sometimes - but then don't we all do that at times.

I know what you mean about clear outs - I have one every week!

Lovely to meet (write) with you, and hope to do so again,

Suex

[Stilltrying_]

My mum is proud to be compared to Margaret Thatcher!! What a lot they are!

[Livinginthepast]

Oh yes, Dad loved her he used to be a clerk for the council but he always said he was a buyer - never thought much of it until he took early retirement & Mum made a bit of a thing about how they weren't replacing him the advert in the local town paper was for a clerk....if she had said nothing Id never have noticed.

Oh he used to tell me he was in trouble with his bosses as he was seen talking to a workman who was "blue collar" not "white collar" like him .......... & he always voted Tory (don't want to get into politics on here) but I always voted Labour so as to cancel his vote.....I could not make it up

I rang the hospital today & he's doing OK but seems very low (they don't know he's been like that for over 30 years)

because of marks on his face caused by his fall they were going to do a skin graft but have changed their mind, soon as the doctors see fit he will be moved to a community hospital although the location depends on what becomes available.

[Stilltrying_]

Oh ok livinginthepast, do keep us posted and do keep talking, as it's good to talk (as BT say) or should I say "It's good to type, and share".