not sure what to put to be honest, I used to be a carer for my brother and mum, both had depression and drinking/ drug problems. My brother has schizophrenia but was smart enough to evade any treatment and get out of sections. I helped them both and had to bottle everything up for around 10 years and advise them on very adult issues when I knew nothing myself.
I left for uni and got my life on tract, I found someone and dealt with what I could with my partner. She had depression which she has pushed through and can now handle. I've had depression and anxiety to differing degrees over the years but its been under control for around 5 years now with episodes of flare-ups.
About two months ago this started happening again, it came back more intense and in more insidious ways. It culminated about two weeks ago when I was walking to work. I was in a spiral of bad thoughts and feeling like crap when I crossed the line. I just thought, well fuck it this is terrible I'll just walk into the road and end it! I felt the shift, I lost all my negativity and felt light as a feather. It felt amazing, like a drug high. I kept part of my sanity, enough to realise I was late for work and so I just kept walking.
Since then I talked to my missus and she advised to see a GP who advised this site and medication and therapy. I thought it was just SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) but the pills she's recommended are for severe depression and anxiety. I've not taken the prescription because I want to try other routes first, that and I'm terrified after seeing my brother on lithium and other stuff, I'd rather fight my demons that become a zombie. Since then I've been up and down but the thought of that serene acceptance scares the crap out of me, so here I am... I wanted to talk to people going through similar things so I don't go back to that place and to work through my past so I can do right my my missus.
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emparedados
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Hi there, I think you have a good understanding of what happened and the most important thing is that you stopped yourself before you did that terrible thing. That shows you have a control mechanism which is working which is good news for you though I can understand worrying that you may feel that way again and act on it.
As you say about your brother you don't want to get on the drug cycle and maybe if you use other ways to manage the situation they you may be able to cope without medication. There are many ways of dealing with stress such as taking up yoga, meditation, walking, any sport, art , relaxation..... whatever is your bag. Although people on here cannot tell you whether or not to take meds and cannot have an accurate idea of the severity or otherwise of your symptoms, my own point of view is that I think that for some illnesses such as your brothers they are essential. In other cases they are not AS essential and many people manage symptoms in alternative and more "natural" ways, or a combination of both.
I find exercise (lots of it; walking, yoga, running) and diet (basically avoid junk food and don't take caffeine or alchohol), very useful.
I will repeat though that we are not medical experts and if in any doubt about anything its best to talk it through with your GP and with mental health professionals and to take their advice.
I hope this helps and I do hope you don't get that extreme feeling again. I can understand and empathise with how worrying it must have been. Please say safe and look after yourself. Life is precious. Gemmalouise XXx
Welcome to this supportive community. I'm so glad that you felt able to talk to your wife and that you went to see your GP, that was a really positive step.
However, as a nurse, I am concerned that you have not started to take your prescribed medication, and does your GP realise that you are not taking them? You cannot compare yourself to your brother or other folks here. You don't say what your medication is, but whether it is SAD or not, depression is part of the picture. The fact that you were not only contemplating suicide, but how you were going to do it, is considered a major red flag warning to healthcare professionals, and we/they are duty bound to take it seriously.
In the UK the NICE (National Institute for Clinical Excellence) guidelines are evidence-based and are the recommended guidance for treating adults with depression. Here is a link to the website: nice.org.uk/guidance/cg90 GP's don't hand out medication like smarties, they should always be based on sound clinical judgement and a good reason to prescribe them. Anti-depressants are given for anxiety and/or depression, and are usually started with SSRI's (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) such as Citalopram, and in low doses. It usually takes 4-6 weeks to start to feel the benefits. Often low dose Anti-d's can support psychological therapies, alleviating the worst symptoms of low mood, to allow the therapies to have a greater effect.
You say you want to fight your demons yourself and not be a zombie. But you have obviously not been able to fight your demons, or you would not have been contemplating suicide, and have needed to seek medical advice. SSRI's will not make you into a zombie, they will help to gently calm your anxious thoughts down, and help you think straight. Talking therapies are very helpful and can help address negative thought patterns which affect your mood and behaviour. Mindfulness is also an option to consider. But please, keep the channel of communication open with your GP, they are there to help you, to act as gatekeepers to access further help.
Thank you for that reply that was really through and gave me a lot to think about. I was offered medication by my GP but I haven't taken it yet as I want to try other things first. Having said that what you said made a lot of sense and I think i'll ask for medication if this persists.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, it means a lot that you'd take the time... cheers
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I'm new here and need help 
Depression and Anxiety (Im new here)
New here [so, hi!] also why would a counsellor make a GP app. for you without informing you?
Something is not right here...
I'm new here, I guess this is my first post
