not sure what to put to be honest, I used to be a carer for my brother and mum, both had depression and drinking/ drug problems. My brother has schizophrenia but was smart enough to evade any treatment and get out of sections. I helped them both and had to bottle everything up for around 10 years and advise them on very adult issues when I knew nothing myself.
I left for uni and got my life on tract, I found someone and dealt with what I could with my partner. She had depression which she has pushed through and can now handle. I've had depression and anxiety to differing degrees over the years but its been under control for around 5 years now with episodes of flare-ups.
About two months ago this started happening again, it came back more intense and in more insidious ways. It culminated about two weeks ago when I was walking to work. I was in a spiral of bad thoughts and feeling like crap when I crossed the line. I just thought, well fuck it this is terrible I'll just walk into the road and end it! I felt the shift, I lost all my negativity and felt light as a feather. It felt amazing, like a drug high. I kept part of my sanity, enough to realise I was late for work and so I just kept walking.
Since then I talked to my missus and she advised to see a GP who advised this site and medication and therapy. I thought it was just SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) but the pills she's recommended are for severe depression and anxiety. I've not taken the prescription because I want to try other routes first, that and I'm terrified after seeing my brother on lithium and other stuff, I'd rather fight my demons that become a zombie. Since then I've been up and down but the thought of that serene acceptance scares the crap out of me, so here I am... I wanted to talk to people going through similar things so I don't go back to that place and to work through my past so I can do right my my missus.