This is my first post, i dont know what to do or what to expect so sorry this is long winded, im looking for an agony aunt i guess?
This has not been a good year. Since December 26 things have gone from bad to worse to shit.
My wife and I went to wales for boxing day and my wife was ill, this is fine, nothing more then a cold but it took it out of her, i felt for her and we came home without really relaxing.
For her birthday i hired a camper van to do a tour of Scotland for her, she was ill again (just want to state im not angry at her for being ill, she was overworked in my opinion) we spent 4 hours in fort William and i gave her the option to come home, which she wanted, i drove through the night again arriving home more agitated then when i went on holiday.
My boiler then broke, it took the landlord about 2 weeks to sort.
My car broke down, luckily under warranty but took about 3 months of hopping in and out of hire cars.
Weve found a house which we are at the moment successful in buying, ive been doing all of this, which is fine, i dont think i have found it too stressful.
We went on holiday again and had a call halfway through telling my wife that her horse had broken its leg and was to be put down. Again coming back tense.
My wife and I were expecting our first child until we went to the scan and saw it and was told there was no heart beat and we had suffered a miscarriage. Alice (OH) was so unbelievably strong (this was 4 weeks ago). She had an op and was wobbly for a few days afterwards, but she just dealt with it.
A couple of weeks later we went on holiday again to the south of France with my mum. My brother joined us and during a moment when it was just he and I he casually explained how his girlfriend (which noone knew of) had a miscarriage which was very similar to mine and alices. I said i was truly sorry if it was true, but i dont believe him, i was a little upset and need space. What followed this was a torrent of abuse. the following night he asked if everything was ok, i said no i was upset and needed space, again further abuse with horrible belittling patronizing comments. I have never been more angry in my life, i was looking for a fight, i just wanted someone, anyone to look at me the wrong way.
I had a weekend away with my friends recently and came back feeling like a had laid my deamons to rest, i hadnt. Last monday i had a panic attack in work and was taken to the hospital. I have no idea what brought it on, i wasnt even panicing, i felt like there was a weight on my chest making it harder to suck in the amount of air i wanted. Both my hands and arms seized, i went dizzy and i couldnt use my legs.
A few days on i have been given medication to relieve anxiety although i dont know what im anxious about? I keep feeling this weight on my chest and i have to pause to "breathe it out". I know nothing bad will come of this panic attack, I will faint, but boy do you have to work for it!!!
Im in work now and all i seem to see is looks of concern from everyone. Im tired of the question "are you ok?" Im as fine as i can be in the here and now!!! My wife is worried about me, when she shouldnt be, she is worried about trying for another child that if this one miscarries it will send me over the edge! This makes me sad, she can see im sad and worries more. Im not eating and she can see that, so she worries more and i can see that. I carry this weight in my chest wherever i go at the moment and i cant shake this cloud above my head. I long for normality, to just wake up and have a normal day, without feeling embarrassed, ashamed and weak and pathetic. People constantly reply that i am neither of the above, but how many of you truly believed that when you went through something similar.
I know/hope one day i will get through this, but at the moment im not getting through it quick enough. There is so much pain in the world which is not mine so why cant i shake this!?! People say i need therapy, but there is nothing to talk about. What is done is done i just want to move on.
Written by
symo
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So sorry to hear about your last year. One crisis after another.
I'm amazed you lasted four hours in Fort William (I'm a highlander)! Lovely views and sportswear! But seriously, the stress of all the things in the last year will take its toll.
Anxiety is just another term for stress, worries, mental troubles. Often the signs go unnoticed for a long time and then you have an event physically which is simply your body screaming to get heard.
The first thing for you and your wife is start taking care of yourself. Not each other, yourselves. Do that until both well enough to care for each other again.
Secondly, give yourself credit for seeking out help and support. We can fail to do this and make our lives so much harder.
In my opinion, the loss of any child at any stage is terrible. I know lots of people who have been deeply affected by miscarriage. Like any grief we all deal differently with it. However, how other people react to your grief seems similar. Most people won't want to discuss it in case it's impolite or the wrong thing to do. That won't be helpful for you.
I can't comment on your brother. I think what you say about him shows what sort of person he is. If you feel people are mistreating you in any way, just leave that relationship for a while. There is no need to keep any toxic people about if they can't help you. That doesn't have to be a permanent solution but look after your needs first.
If your stressed, sometimes we can over-react, misinterpret etc due to this. But I'm not suggesting you are. If I'm dealing with stressed people, I work at reassuring them and certainly cut them some slack. So, worrying about other people's opinions of you at this time isn't going to provide any positives at the moment. TBH if anyone behaves badly to you it just shows their personality faults and not yours.
Concentrate on you and your wife. Look at support groups online for miscarriage sufferers. What decisions you make about your future are for you as a partnership to talk about. Open honest communication is key. Give each other support- time to process and heal. If timing is an issue discuss it.
1 - My brother said this miscarriage happened several years ago, with a girl non of us had heard about and he said he was RELIEVED!!! Apparently he didnt want to get into trouble with parents for getting someone pregnant. What he failed to see was yes losing the child is hard when you want it, but seeing a significant other go through what needs to be done is horrendous. His story did not line up in anyway, in so far as who this person was, the dates and his reactions/statements. It was a fabrication, i had said if it was true then i am sorry but i dont want to speak about it. My brother (unfortunately) is one of these people where its all about him and whatever youve done hes done first. Hes picked the wrong topic this time! Im afraid youve not got the full picture which is my fault as i did not think you would need the full details as it wouldnt be questioned. Note, from someone who has been through a miscarriage, you never question the validity of such a story unless your 100% sure. What he couldnt do was give me space, he failed to understand why i was struggling and he dragged me over the coals for it. That is the problem.
2 - "The last point. Ok it's hard when everyone is worried about you and keep asking if you are ok. I should be so lucky to have anyone worried about me! It sounds like you have good family and friends." Drop the sarcasm. YES it is hard. My wife has been through enough with out having to worry about me, I just want normality. It feels like i have a small child permanently sitting I havent had a full hour in the past 5 days where i havent at some point had to gasp for air for anytime as short as 3 mins to beyond an hour. I dont want the anxious looks, i know they care, i dont need the anxious texts, i still know they care. All they achieve in this is reminding me something is wrong as if this suffocating weight is not enough. Dont think I dont know what great family and friends i have.
Sounds like you need a quick help - have you tried some self guided hypnotherapy or deep relaxation techniques. It's not for everyone. But, as someone who feels it very difficult to physically relax I've used cds with hypnotherapy. You can get them as a cheap download on your phone. It may help as a quick option today. Worth a go.
No worries. I know it's easy when you are not feeling great to misinterpret the written word.
I was just trying to say it's great that you have such good family and friends (apart from your brother), and trying to point out the positives in your life.
Symo, you feel embarrassed, ashamed, weak and pathetic. That seems fair enough given you have a physical ailment which is affecting your ability to breathe etc. You are entitled to these feelings. But these feelings don't reflect your personality or behavior. I think that's what people are trying to tell you. At present you may feel weakened but that's an honest reaction to your life events now. It is horrible to feel that way. It creates feelings of confusion and helplessness. We often struggle to say the right thing when someone speaks of negative feelings or emotions. It can be so easy to appear to invalidate that person by your response. But I hope I'm hearing you now correctly. Your life sucks and how you feel about it is legitimate.
Hi you say there is nothing to talk about and you don't need a therapist but you kinda answered your own questions,
All that you've written kinda needs to be spoken about to a professional.
Please bear in mind,there is no quick fix.but if you hang on in there and do do some home work about what you've just written, then on a separate piece paper write down what
What issues and problems you have,
That helps which will relieve your anxiety.
I bet if you look at all the shxxxt that you've been through it won't seem half as bad once you make sense of it.
The mind can only hold so much trauma so you need to let that go.
You've to have a calm brain as I would have thought you've o much crap going on in ur brain you can't make spence of it.
There I've probably told you what you know already but then if you haven't try those ideas
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