Hi
This is my first post, i dont know what to do or what to expect so sorry this is long winded, im looking for an agony aunt i guess?
This has not been a good year. Since December 26 things have gone from bad to worse to shit.
My wife and I went to wales for boxing day and my wife was ill, this is fine, nothing more then a cold but it took it out of her, i felt for her and we came home without really relaxing.
For her birthday i hired a camper van to do a tour of Scotland for her, she was ill again (just want to state im not angry at her for being ill, she was overworked in my opinion) we spent 4 hours in fort William and i gave her the option to come home, which she wanted, i drove through the night again arriving home more agitated then when i went on holiday.
My boiler then broke, it took the landlord about 2 weeks to sort.
My car broke down, luckily under warranty but took about 3 months of hopping in and out of hire cars.
Weve found a house which we are at the moment successful in buying, ive been doing all of this, which is fine, i dont think i have found it too stressful.
We went on holiday again and had a call halfway through telling my wife that her horse had broken its leg and was to be put down. Again coming back tense.
My wife and I were expecting our first child until we went to the scan and saw it and was told there was no heart beat and we had suffered a miscarriage. Alice (OH) was so unbelievably strong (this was 4 weeks ago). She had an op and was wobbly for a few days afterwards, but she just dealt with it.
A couple of weeks later we went on holiday again to the south of France with my mum. My brother joined us and during a moment when it was just he and I he casually explained how his girlfriend (which noone knew of) had a miscarriage which was very similar to mine and alices. I said i was truly sorry if it was true, but i dont believe him, i was a little upset and need space. What followed this was a torrent of abuse. the following night he asked if everything was ok, i said no i was upset and needed space, again further abuse with horrible belittling patronizing comments. I have never been more angry in my life, i was looking for a fight, i just wanted someone, anyone to look at me the wrong way.
I had a weekend away with my friends recently and came back feeling like a had laid my deamons to rest, i hadnt. Last monday i had a panic attack in work and was taken to the hospital. I have no idea what brought it on, i wasnt even panicing, i felt like there was a weight on my chest making it harder to suck in the amount of air i wanted. Both my hands and arms seized, i went dizzy and i couldnt use my legs.
A few days on i have been given medication to relieve anxiety although i dont know what im anxious about? I keep feeling this weight on my chest and i have to pause to "breathe it out". I know nothing bad will come of this panic attack, I will faint, but boy do you have to work for it!!!
Im in work now and all i seem to see is looks of concern from everyone. Im tired of the question "are you ok?" Im as fine as i can be in the here and now!!! My wife is worried about me, when she shouldnt be, she is worried about trying for another child that if this one miscarries it will send me over the edge! This makes me sad, she can see im sad and worries more. Im not eating and she can see that, so she worries more and i can see that. I carry this weight in my chest wherever i go at the moment and i cant shake this cloud above my head. I long for normality, to just wake up and have a normal day, without feeling embarrassed, ashamed and weak and pathetic. People constantly reply that i am neither of the above, but how many of you truly believed that when you went through something similar.
I know/hope one day i will get through this, but at the moment im not getting through it quick enough. There is so much pain in the world which is not mine so why cant i shake this!?! People say i need therapy, but there is nothing to talk about. What is done is done i just want to move on.