Here goes nothing...

[Dolly92]

Roughly 3 hours ago I wanted to hurt myself again to relieve this pain... (I’m not physically hurt) so why I’m saying pain I’m not 100% sure? Maybe cause it felt like pain to me and it just wouldn’t go away! I wanted to break down into tears for no reason! I couldn’t pin point exactly where this pain was coming from... Maybe my head - because I was frowning and the light was hurting my eyes, Maybe my temples - cause they felt like they had pressure pushing on them. Maybe my jaw or teeth cause they ached, Maybe a sore throat - cause I felt like I had a golf ball lodged in the back of it alongside a disgusting taste in my mouth. The middle of my chest was also hurting from getting so tight, (as if I’d been winded) I couldn’t breathe properly and my Stomach felt like the inside of a washing machine (the washing, being my internal organs) I felt sick but couldn’t find the words at the time to express this, I’m staying with a family member and didn’t even feel comfortable enough explaining this to them (even though she’s so understanding and would have only tried to help me) I’m embarrassed about feeling this way so I just try to hide it but the symptoms are becoming more and more obvious the sweating, shaking, panicking so much I nearly pass out. I Struggle to keep food in and have lost a lot of weight over the last couple of years. This on going battle with PTSD, Depression and anxiety is killing me so I thought why not just get it over and done with? Luckily due to being here I didn’t attempt suicide.. So I was looking up on the net where to get an emergency prescription for mirtazapine and I stumbled upon this site... read some people’s comments and well here I am at 1am writing this (still alive) Doing this distracted me for so long that, that horrible pain I was describing has died down again now I’m tired and will prob sleep like a baby yeah ok it feels like an acidicy bubbling going on inside n given me belly ache alongside a metallic dry mouth but I’m still here fighting to keep sane with my mental health issues! Gutted that no one can wave a magic wand over me and take me back to a time I felt love, happiness and contentment. However hearing that continuing though these shitty feelings means itl get easier with time is better than nothing. Thank you for the comments you posted people.. reading them helped me see a different point of view which is why iv wrote this out bare for others to read. It’s important to know your not alone! #DontGiveUp

[Merrkat]

Do you ever feel like you dont want to hurt yourself, but just want to not exist. Thats how I feel and doctors and family often confuse it with me self harming, which is not what it is.

[Dolly92 in reply to Merrkat]

Have you ever self harmed in the past? Yes I don’t intentionally want to hurt myself it’s just like a last resort of thinking,(occasionally acting on)when I don’t know what else to do however I now know for every 1 bad negative thought like not wanting to be here you need 3 positive ones to counter act it... (try it) positive being you can breathe in through your nose out through your mouth. I experience feelings and thoughts of not wanting to be here or on this planet, in this Life, not wanting to see anyone or wanting to deal with anything or do anything and then it became so intense and I became so over whelmed that I didn’t know what to do with myself nor did anyone else... apart from sit with the uncomfortable feelings cry and wait for them to pass... Cognitive behavioural therapy helped me a lot maybe ask to be referred by ur GP or look up online for a self referral form for a cbt therapist near you. You prob won’t like answering the questions (I didn’t) however by being honest and open is the only way you will get the real help/support you need. U will be pleased to know -these feelings do pass... the more positives you can find when feeling crap the quicker ur feel ok again... you won’t feel like this forever try and do more of the things that currently make you smile and be happy

[emparedados]

You's is the first post i've seen, I think you're bloody brilliant resisting despite the pain.

I gave in a few days ago and nearly did it, nearly walked in front of a car. If you can resist then I can too. Thank you for sharing dolly, you keep going !

[Dolly92 in reply to emparedados]

Wow I just read your reply and now I have a massive silly grin on my face haha so thank you for that emparedados!! Hearing I’m brilliant for resisting to hurt myself sounds silly at first but I think I needed to hear something like this! Your right it is bloody brilliant I didn’t harm myself anymore than I already have and infact I’m now going to try and make small achievable changes to better myself... As I was told earlier “Rome wasn’t built in a day, be patient” something I lack however am learning to be... as iv only had very black or white thinking (I want it all better right now or nothing at all) I so easily give up the battle with my mental health and give into it.... example I’d lost all hope again this morning when I was in a pharmacy and they told me the prescription my doctors had supposedly sent wasn’t working, they tried twice and the pharmacist was so busy the place was full of people waiting for meds, I could see he was getting a little frustrated and he said there wasn’t much more he could do... I think the look of disappointment and probably fear must have been written all over my face... as my thoughts were “ok cool well il just end this today cause I’m done” my doctor has told me to take these tablets everyday to help (something I’ve really struggled to do regularly over the years) but this time round I had been so good I hadn’t missed a single tablet for over a month and now because of a stupid green slip that hadn’t come through the pharmacist couldn’t give me my tablets. My new doctor made a huge fuss 2months ago now about not missing any... however this was becoming out of my control, I was going to miss them if they weren’t sorted by toma as I only have one tablet left (now been taken) I’m miles away from my local area and just the panic of what I’d be like without them was enough to make me feel suicidal again... I believe this pharmacist felt something (strangely) maybe how low I was and he really went out of his way to help me today ringing my doctors, asked them to send it again or fax it ect he could have just left it like I thought he was going to originally and dolly may have done something stupid to herself so not to risk seeing how bad things got (without the meds) as I’m not going home for another week now but just this man taking a little more time and supporting me really helped and re gained some faith so now I’ve put my faith and hope into this man and I’m praying tomorrow my prescription will be there to take away... however I know there’s a huge part of me saying it won’t be there... he’s talking shit, he doesn’t really care, he just said that to get rid of u... but there’s a small percentage saying yes it will! He did care or he wouldn’t have tried again to get it sent for me.. instead of the 80% it won’t work I’m going to believe the 20% until proven otherwise toma cause it’s so easy to give in to this bullshit & so hard to fight Please all of us Keep trying to get better what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger! With each other’s support we can do this. I’m grateful you didn’t walk in front of that car -not just for the persons sake who was driving it but for mine otherwise I wouldn’t have smiled from ear to ear of course you can resist we’re stronger than we look, know or believe (it’s also amazing I can see this now as when I’m really depressed this would never cross my mind) it’s also easier being nicer to someone else about it when it’s ourselves we can be to critical and harsh... go easy on yourself you didn’t give in you just indulged in depression and wanted an easy way out what’s so wrong about that? (You also done bloody brilliantly resisting against walking in front of that car!)

[emparedados in reply to Dolly92]

Hey Dolly!

I'm so glad my little message made you smile! your situation sounds rough but that guy who took the time to help you seems like a really nice guy! I'm actually at work now in a similarly customer facing environment and I'm going to make an effort to go that extra mile like he did. It can really make a difference like you said, I hope your meds were there!

You're doing great with your meds, I'm thinking of starting meds but I know I wouldn't take them often enough :/

Thank you for saying about not being too hard on myself, I'm hyper self critical and that really helped me. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me and saying those encouraging things!

I did something I haven't in a long time and actually went to the gym yesterday and its really helped. I didn't want to go and was sinking into a depression spiral but my partner dragged me to the gym. I hated it and wanted to just lay on the floor but there was an instructor who pushed me through. I feel as though there's a gap in the clouds which is good! The storm is still there, massive black thunderheads threatening to strike. Knowing you are having a similar struggle but keeping on helps me hang on in the face of that storm.

Let me know how the pharmacy situation went !

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Dolly92, and welcome to the forum. How are you feeling now? Please be reassured that you are not alone and please stay on the forum where you will receive help and support from other members. Be kind to yourself and take one step at a time . I have found a good website for people who are suffering from PTSD [ ptsduk.org ] which you may find helpful. Take care. Are there any members of the forum who could help Dolly92, please? Thank you and best wishes.