Log in
Mental Health Support
21,261 members12,844 posts

No Way Of Contacting My Childs Father

Hi, I have a 14-year-old daughter who I adore but unfortunately was the result of a one night stand. I hate calling it a one night stand because it was not something I had thought of when I went out that night. Is there anyone out there in the same circ_mstances?? Someone who go pregnant from a one night stand and can not find the father. I feel so alone in this and like such a terrible person. I wish I could find the guy, to tell him he has a child more than anything. I want my child to know who their father is. I feel terrible all the time because my child will not know who their father is

I only knew his first name and not much about him really. I was young and very gullible and naive. I tried all means of contacting him even went back to his friend's house where we had our one-night stand 9 years later. A friend of a friend said he contacted him in regards to me having his daughter and would let me know. However to this day no information, I don't even know if he actually contacted him or was just lying?? I requested his number and he refused to give it to me..sooo???. The only information I have gathered is that he has a younger brother, is Nigerian and in a new relationship (perhaps married) or gone abroad. I don know just feel so confused.

I feel ashamed of myself with an unsettled mind and pricked conscience. Though I am very proud along with her grandparents and aunt that my daughter now 14 is doing well at school, always has been. She is in the top sets in compulsory subjects such Maths, English and in Science for her GSCE's and recently got into year 10 work experience commencing ending of June to July 2018. I am equally doing good graduated from my Masters last year...

My parents were disappointed at first when they found out I was pregnant at 15. My dad when my daughter turned 1 years old was like angry and told me to stop hiding her dad (he had in his mind that I was trying to protect him from being identified?. We even went to the area and place where I said we had sex and everybody we knocked the door they were confused?? it was one-night stand at his friends..which was not far from where i lived at the time with my family.

Though my parents have come to terms that I don't know where her father lives or his entire name? what a shame. I have lived with this guilt for 14 years going on 15 at the age of 30.

My younger sister who is 24 acts more like a big sister towards my daughter perhaps due to the closeness in age. I think she also carries the burden of my pain that my daughter dad didn't want to know. after several attempts calling his friend to find out and he said he had not heard from him that he does not want to know?? I am so confused about everything. I did not receive counselling I don't know what to do.

What is weird and I find very discombobulating is that my daughter has never once asked me about her dad for her 14 years of existence?? I am scared what could be going on?? She is very emotionally mature and intelligent so I don't know if that has anything to do with it?

I had to seek on the internet who else could possibly be in this situation and have stumbled across this forum which I was forced to join as needed to express myself and seek advice...

Thank you for taking the time to read this,


4 Replies

I think you should leave well alone, if you open this can of worms there's every chance it will go horribly wrong for all concerned. Perhaps you could see a counsellor to help you deal with your feelings but personally I think you should concentrate on the future and not waste energy on something that is probably never going to happen.

1 like

Hi I agree with bantam12. It sounds like he might know but just doesn't want to get involved. He might be married now with children of his own or there could be a myriad of other reasons.

You can't force him and insisting might cause a lot of aggro and trouble. The only way I think you would ever need to contact him is for example if your daughter had a genetic illness or needed a kidney transplant etc. Otherwise I would leave well alone. x


I agree with the others that you should leave things alone. It's been 14 years so why now? It would be very harmful for you daughter to be rejected by her father. As it stands it seems to be a vague incident. She probably hasn't asked you about it because she knows enough to know to keep quiet about it. Children always know more than their parents realize. You might want to figure out what you're going to tell her. I would suggest something like...I was young and inexperienced, and didn't really know him but it turned out to be a very happy accident. Just let her know she was wanted and is loved. Pam

1 like

It's easy for people to say leave well alone. As her Mum you know that the person you made her with is a part of her identity. My son has never been in contact with his, (he's 18 now) but there is so much about his personality that mirrors that of his Dad. A part of me regrets not making enough effort to establish contact when he was a baby.

You mustn't feel guilty, or like you have done anything wrong. Age is just a number and from what you're saying it sounds like you've done a brilliant job of raising her.

After my son I went on to have a daughter and unfortunately it didn't work out with her Dad, either.The difference with my daughter, though, is she isn't remotely interested in having him as part of her life.

Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Your daughter is lucky to have so many people who love and care about her and you should take a moment to say a big 'well done' to yourself xx


You may also like...