Hope?

[FindingHope]

I'm new here and not really sure where to start. I simply feel like I've lost all hope. I'm a divorced, single mom who works full time and has two very willful young children. Holding all this together while dealing with deep hurts which are creating a bitterness. I hate being bitter. I had all these dreams and none have come to fruition. My heart was broken and I allowed myself to stay in a relationship where I was treated badly and all for him to leave me for a older woman who was "just his friend". Now, I'm trying to cope and pick up the broken pieces of my heart while seeing them together at work. Everyone compliments them on their relationship and how happy they are. All while I have to hold back, remain professional and keep going for my kids. I don't want to hate, but I hate, hate, hate what he and she did and are doing. I'm so angry at myself for wanting to be loved so badly that I stayed in that relationship. My heart hurts so badly, because he spends time with her when he was too busy to spend time with me. My spirit is broken. I tried so hard and never could "quite make it". After my divorce I really believed all of his,"I really love you", "I'll never do that","I'm different" statements. His actions never matched his words and I was told I was overthinking and too emotional. I don't understand. I really tried. He asked me to marry him and then two days later became angry because I was excited and asked him if he knew about when he'd like to marry. He said I was rushing. A month after the engagement he became angry and said he'd only proposed because he thought it'd make things better. I never knew what to expect. I really loved him and didn't even care the ring was a fake sterling silver. I was proud and showed everyone. I believed I had found a good man. I'd visit and he'd become angry because I wasn't respectful of his time. Now, he spends all of his time with another woman...time I begged for. In the end he said, "I was too much in this area or not enough in that area". I'm in such a terrible place spiritually, mentally, and physically. I'm so hurt that it's a physical pain.

[maskedjinn]

Maybe now it isn't about the guy and that it's about the children and that they need you. Your a strong woman and we must realise that good can come from bad. Even if we are at our worst and at our lowest cause we can only go up from there I can't relate on the marriage part cause well im not married cause I'm still young but I just believe that if we try things will get better and that pain won't last forever.

[sweetiepye]

I'm not sure where to start either. I guess with the fact that he has always lied to you and probably always will. You were behaving normally and he said you were rushing things, a lie. All those statements that were lies. Do you really want a man like that. Some day you will see what a narrow escape you have made. His older woman is probably a desperate woman willing to put up with him and maybe grateful for a younger man. You have done nothing wrong. We all want to be loved and until we find out there's something wrong we believe the person we're in love with. I f a man is in love with you he will make you feel good, will want you to be happy. Remember this for the next time. At work hold your head high and remember the lucky escape you've made. I wouldn't want him on a Christmas tree. You can decide how you feel about this, consider it a lesson learned and realize your self worth. You are the accountable person with integrity in this situation . Pam

[FindingHope in reply to sweetiepye]

Thank you for your thoughtful kindness. Yes, a narrow escape which I need to start considering a blessing. I just feel so confused and as if I've lost my self. A huge part of me wants him to hurt. I guess I feel as if he hurts somehow it would mean that I had mattered?? I just want to be over this hurt already.

[Zoea in reply to FindingHope]

Maybe you should discuss this idea of wanting him to hurt with someone? I don't want to come across badly, but it seems a little irrational? Is it because eof what you invested in the relationship? I don't quite understand probable.

[sweetiepye in reply to Zoea]

I don't think she meant physical pain, but emotional pain like she is experiencing. Pam

[FindingHope in reply to Zoea]

Not a physical hurt, but an emotional hurt. It's as if I was an inanimate object of his. I had hoped he'd feel some emotional pain, such as loss, because he'd lost someone important to him. Wishful thinking on my part, I'm sure. His lack of emotion shows me that I was never valued by him.

[Zoea in reply to sweetiepye]

here here! good reply!

[sweetiepye]

You will get over it in time. Wanting him to hurt is pretty normal at least to me it is. You do matter , you just met up with a toxic person.. But you are still standing and that is a sign of your inner strength. Pam

[marigold22]

I'm 66 years old and a wise old bird He sounds to me like he has psychopathic tendencies. I was married to a man like that for 9 months, then packed my bags and went with my child. He doesn't know what he wants because his brain is all over the place. He's doing this to purposely hurt you as you all work in the same place. You stayed with him for your children, no doubt. You did your very best but you cannot win with a psychopath - believe me. I think you should start to look around for a different job if at all possible. They are both rubbing your nose in it and enjoying your reaction. Sick, sick, sick.

[Zoea in reply to marigold22]

Yes get away if you possibly can and you will fade in terms of your intentions for his life. I guess?

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi there Finding Hope and a very big welcome to this very caring community. I agree with everyone who has posted here today. They all wish to support you and show that they care so there is HOPE out there just for you. Marigold 22 talks a lot of sense, he does sound as if he has psychopathic tendencies but that isn't the real issue. Help for you is. so lets start here. There are agencies out there that can help and I have taken the liberty of listing a few below for you to look at. Also if you are struggling with the bereavement of a broken relationship perhaps counselling will help. This can be arranged via the GP but it takes time to be available. Perhaps considering a move or change of career? Also there is help and advise for single parents. Whatever you decide I am sure it will be right for you as you are strong and you have a lot of people who care about you. Take care and very best wishes. Let us all know how you get along.

nhs.uk/counselling

Gingerbread - gingerbread.org.uk - advise line for single parents. Also have local support groups for outings etc. Helpline Mon-Fri - 0808 802 0925.

Parentline Plus - parentlineplus.org.uk - help and support to anyone caring for children.

Tel: [phone].

[FindingHope]

I'm humbled by all of your thoughtfulness. To take time out to respond to me.. I'm grateful 💚. I'll look into seeking counseling too. I would like to change careers, just not sure where to go. I do want to let go of the baggage. I don't know why I seem to continue carrying it.

[BesaDeBishop]

Find,

I relate. I obsess too much about things and it gets exhaustive.

I believe your best action is to take great care of yourself and your kids.

Is he paying support?

I am a work out person so i believe that answers the mental health side. Dopamine and all.

After 8 hours at work plus kids it is tough to hit the gym, but in the end it will pay off in spades.

I was deeply hurt, in a different way, by an ex. The pain lingers. Seeing them at work would be so hard.

It sounds like he has a mean streak in him and i bet he enjoys seeing you hurt. The line between love and hate is thin and it is ok to hate for now.

I'd turn the hate out, with out making a scene every time. I am sure folks would get it. There all people i hate at work and i am nice and professional but i don't say 2 words to them more than i have to. They don't like me. What is the point.

Take care and everything will at least normalize. If you need a new man eventually it will happen.

There is a guy out there right now lookng for you.

Thanks.

[FindingHope in reply to BesaDeBishop]

I thank you for your encouragement. I will try and work out. I'm exhausted and half the battle is mentally committing to working out. Again, thank you.

[Hidden]

Hiya, you write very eloqently. Be kind to yourself, focus on yourself, your job, your children, your happiness. You will find hope again and you will learn from this and be stronger, wiser and more complete because of it. Take your time though, don't rush into anything, nor make any decisions in haste. You are a good person and that quality means people will always like you and be drawn to you, so be patient and take care,

[FindingHope]

Sage advice that I need to embrace. I need to develop some self love techniques. I am constantly giving and am now realizing I've not been filling myself up with anything of pure value. I'm simply running on an "empty" tank and continually using depleted emotional resources. I'm going to try and exercise and clear my spirit of excess baggage. I'm dreading this for fear I'll become physically exhausted and will break emotionally. Maybe a good ole' ugly cry is what I need. I've got to learn to love myself and nurture myself and be determined to change my mindset. I fully realize this is easier said than done. Now to learn some self nurturing practices...prayers appreciated.

[digginsa in reply to FindingHope]

Be kind to yourself, I am a single dad who’s sons mother walked out on us three years ago, I got into another relationship which ended in Aug, I am still deeply hurt, but the thing I have learned is that I am always the one who gives in a relationship, and the women always take and I have to stop doing that as it has crashed my heart and soul, stay strong you sound like you have your head on straight, out yourself first that’s a lesson I am learning, but I know it’s easier said than done.

[dougal2]

Welcome to the community, so sorry to hear how you've been treated. From reading the above it seems to me you've not done anything wrong and best way is to show them your really not bothered, deep down this is hard, but sometimes things happen for reason and you are to good for him. Your better off rid of that bad apple. In time you will meet someone who you just click with and who will be honest and caring. Be strong for children. Things happen for reason and what goes around comes around. Don't rush into anything enjoy children and you will meet someone when you least expect it. Take care

[FindingHope in reply to dougal2]

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.

[Zoea]

I think and know you'll get through this. You seem a strong person. You write well. You're ok