First of all I am 20 years old male with no history of mental illnesses, no abuse, and a normal happy life, with happy family. I don't do drugs, but I smoke and drink, or used to drink a lot of coffee, before this happened.
My WEIRD MENTAL STATE? began 4 months ago.(22.07.2017 I DON'T GET IT HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN IN ONE DAY) I feel like something in my mind broke... And do you know the reason? I heard of someone(Chester From Linkin Park) who died by suicide. Since then, my life changed completely.
I don't know why.
I don't know how.
I don't know what to do next.
I suddenly asked myself: "Why he did it, he had 6 kids, he had everything? What kind of force drive him to suicide? What stops me from doing it too?" and then I experienced something strange, something confusing.
I have really hard time describing what is happening in my brain(nearly impossible), but i will try. Life feels meaningless without any apparent reason. I am constantly anxious, have less energy. I don't go outside as I used to. I am constantly in my home. I am constantly in my head.
My interest in people dissapeared. There are other weird feelings in my head (￼As I said, I can't trully describe them.)
**weird feeling**: Like I am somehow disconnected from my old life?
**weird feeling**: Like I am in a weird unsettled life state.
**weird feeling**: Scary/Terrifying/Real/ Scenarious in my head like for example "My best friend ask me if I want to
work with him(We had very succesfully store.) And I answer him, no I want to die" etc. WHAT?!
**weird feeling**: Like when this happens EVERYTHING SEEMS DARKER AND DOOMED, LIKE IN A HORROR MOVIE?
**weird feeling**: I simply cannot get out of my head when it happens, constant negative thoughts(i listed them above) weird feeling in the stomach, feeling dissociated from sveryone, everything i imagine in my head, even my home seems dark and doomed?
**weird feeling**: Like life is meaningless?!? Without a reason???
**weird feeling**: It feels like i imagine waking up everyday but it feels like i am waking every minute.
**weird feeling**: Feels like I won't be here soon.(generated From the scary thoughts.
**weird feeling**: When I try to do something I can't do for long time. Eventually there is a weird feeling associated with a throughts like the above that doesn't allow me to do it. It is strange, feels like anxiety a bit, but not exactly.
**weird feeling**: When I am relatively okay, there is a feeling like I am anxious, idk strange feeling in the stomach(not exactly anxiety.) Can't fully describe it.
**weird feeling**: Like i am dissociated with life(not like the derealization stuff) - again I am not sure what it is it feels strange.
**weird feeling**: Feeling like I don't want to get better.(This is the scariest one.)<- WHAT THE FUCK.
**weird feeling**: Feeling like years have passed between my old life and now.
**weird feeling**: Feeling like there is no emotional content in my memories.
**weird feeling**: Confusion if I am suicidal or not?!?!?!
**weird feeling**: Feeling like a wave between now and the future happens in my head and makes me feel tired and anxious.(This happens especially in the morning, when I stand up and stop being sleepy it dissapears.)
**weird feeling**: When I do something it randomly appears it is like a feeling of /suicidality/hopelessness/flying feeling/ (not sure can't describe it.) and when this happens there is a strike in my stomach.
**weird feeling**: There are pictures stuck in my head(2 or 3) mostly regarding to future. for example: me in the garden of my university walking - like i am looking at myself from a flying drone. they seem dark or super bright in my head.
**weird feeling**: Feeling that there is something wrong with my thinking pattern and my rational thinking.
**weird feeling**: Sudden feeling of being trapped(In life?). (It happens randomly.)
**weird feeling**: That I will suicide if I work, and since then I am not working.
**weird feeling**: Going out seems weird/scary/overwhelming/I don't know.
**weird feeling**: Something that happened a long time ago seems close, something that happened a short time ago feels far.
**weird feeling**: This is about babies. Somewhere I have read "I don't want kids on this terrible world." And now there is a weird feeling when I see a baby.
**weird feeling**: Everything seems darker. Like my vision changed.
**weird feeling**: When I read here on reddit someone who is suicidal/depressed etc. All of the feelings come back and it feels like i am feeling the same way as him. (When time passes I can see the difference.)
**AND THE MOST IMPORTANT** :WEIRD FEELING THAT IF I WORK/GO TO UNIVERSITY OR FEEL OVERWHELMED I WILL S....... FEELING THAT I AM ALREADY OVERWHELMED AND WILL S......
Update 0: I have days, when I feel relatively normal, but still those thoughts, feeling are in background accompanied by butterflies/knot in the stomach and a weird feeling.
Update 1: Yesterday I read somewhere that you are suicidal if you have desire to die. When I read this I had (? I am not sure what i felt -???Anxiety attack??? )and the thoughts felt so real like I am feeling the same way, it lasted about an hour then I felt normal, and the thoughts seemed less real.
Update 2: Last night I was laying in my bed and decided to go to the kitchen to smoke a ciggarete. I was relatively fine. I was sleepy. As I was smoking I suddently looked in the place where we are keeping the knives and imagined getting a knife and s...... I got intense strike in the stomach and like an urge to do it, it felt real. Then I tried to calm my self but the thought "Life is meaningless" with somekind of weird ??future?? feeling came. The strike in the stomach became more intense, I immediately went to my room. I was no longer sleeping, and started googling about suicidal thoughts/suicidality. Today I woke up with low mood and the pictures of yesterday stuck in my head, with a weird stomach feeling. Also while I am writing this there is a feeling/thoughts that I just don't want to admit it. And a confusion if I am suicidal?
I went to a psychiatrist, and told him about the throughts. He asked me if i have a plan or fantasie about.... Then I said no, but i see intrusive images. And he said that it is ocd.
I don't have much symptoms of depression. But I do have less/none interest in the things that used to be intrerested. I go less outside. I am more irritable. I can't tell if I have anxiety because I want it or because I don't. I am afraid of the summer comming, because I read somewhere that people often do it then and now it feels so damn real. It happened in one day I don't get it. Also I went to 4 Psychiatrists and 1 Psychologist, I asked them if this is Major Depresive Disorder, they said that it is unlikely, because I have very few symptoms, They asked me if i set goals to high and so on. And none of them said that it is major depresion, very unlikely. Also, for about two weeks I was relatively fine, the thoughts were still there, but seemed less likely. Then all of a sudden after i read about a guy who was suicidal. The thoughts came back and feel realer than the real. The scary thing is that there are feelings, not only thoughts. For example: Yesterday I read somewhere that you are suicidal if you have 100% desire to die. Then I got hit by (anxiety) not sure and the thoughts seemed even more real, like i really had a desire. It lasted about an hour then I calmed and the thoughts felt less real. Today the same thing happened. Today I also had pulsating neck pain on the right side.(Maybe it is sign of anixety?!?! Maybe not?!?) What the actual f**k??
I don't wish to not being born, to not exist or to not wake up tomorrow for example. But there is a strange, unexplainable feeling that makes me think I am suicidal. WTF? Also when I read somewhere that you should ignore or not give attention to the thoughts because it may become worse, I feel even more terrified because I can't ignore the thoughts. Also the feeling that I don't want to get better makes me more terrified.
Does that sound like Active SI?
And many ??intrusive?? suicidal thoughts about 16 to be exact, I picked a lot of them while researching and now they are stuck in my head. But I will not list them because they may trigger someone.
I visited 5 psychiatrists, yet, no clear diagnosis. One of them suggested Adjustment Disorder, but I don't think that this is the case, exept I moved to new city(1 year ago.)(because I study there.), and had a lot of stress during exams, nothing more.
I've Googled a lot, about mental health issues, and visited few psychiatrists, one of them Suggested Adjustment Disorder, the second one suggested OCD, but still I am so confused.:
1. Does this sound like Depression?
2. Does this sound like Bipolar?
3. Does this sound like Anxiety?
4. Does this sound like OCD?
5. Does this sound like BPD?
6. Does this sound like Existential Crisis?
7. Does this sound like SI/Suicidality?
Everytime i post on reddit i feel like i missed something....
Do I sound suicidal?
Thanks in advance, have a good night.