What this sound like?

[ttonev]

Hello!

First of all I am 20 years old male with no history of mental illnesses, no abuse, and a normal happy life, with happy family. I don't do drugs, but I smoke and drink, or used to drink a lot of coffee, before this happened.

My WEIRD MENTAL STATE? began 4 months ago.(22.07.2017 I DON'T GET IT HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN IN ONE DAY) I feel like something in my mind broke... And do you know the reason? I heard of someone(Chester From Linkin Park) who died by suicide. Since then, my life changed completely.

I don't know why.

I don't know how.

I don't know what to do next.

I suddenly asked myself: "Why he did it, he had 6 kids, he had everything? What kind of force drive him to suicide? What stops me from doing it too?" and then I experienced something strange, something confusing.

I have really hard time describing what is happening in my brain(nearly impossible), but i will try. Life feels meaningless without any apparent reason. I am constantly anxious, have less energy. I don't go outside as I used to. I am constantly in my home. I am constantly in my head.

My interest in people dissapeared. There are other weird feelings in my head (As I said, I can't trully describe them.)

**weird feeling**: Like I am somehow disconnected from my old life?

**weird feeling**: Like I am in a weird unsettled life state.

**weird feeling**: Scary/Terrifying/Real/ Scenarious in my head like for example "My best friend ask me if I want to

work with him(We had very succesfully store.) And I answer him, no I want to die" etc. WHAT?!

**weird feeling**: Like when this happens EVERYTHING SEEMS DARKER AND DOOMED, LIKE IN A HORROR MOVIE?

**weird feeling**: I simply cannot get out of my head when it happens, constant negative thoughts(i listed them above) weird feeling in the stomach, feeling dissociated from sveryone, everything i imagine in my head, even my home seems dark and doomed?

**weird feeling**: Like life is meaningless?!? Without a reason???

**weird feeling**: It feels like i imagine waking up everyday but it feels like i am waking every minute.

**weird feeling**: Feels like I won't be here soon.(generated From the scary thoughts.

**weird feeling**: When I try to do something I can't do for long time. Eventually there is a weird feeling associated with a throughts like the above that doesn't allow me to do it. It is strange, feels like anxiety a bit, but not exactly.

**weird feeling**: When I am relatively okay, there is a feeling like I am anxious, idk strange feeling in the stomach(not exactly anxiety.) Can't fully describe it.

**weird feeling**: Like i am dissociated with life(not like the derealization stuff) - again I am not sure what it is it feels strange.

**weird feeling**: Feeling like I don't want to get better.(This is the scariest one.)<- WHAT THE FUCK.

**weird feeling**: Feeling like years have passed between my old life and now.

**weird feeling**: Feeling like there is no emotional content in my memories.

**weird feeling**: Confusion if I am suicidal or not?!?!?!

**weird feeling**: Feeling like a wave between now and the future happens in my head and makes me feel tired and anxious.(This happens especially in the morning, when I stand up and stop being sleepy it dissapears.)

**weird feeling**: When I do something it randomly appears it is like a feeling of /suicidality/hopelessness/flying feeling/ (not sure can't describe it.) and when this happens there is a strike in my stomach.

**weird feeling**: There are pictures stuck in my head(2 or 3) mostly regarding to future. for example: me in the garden of my university walking - like i am looking at myself from a flying drone. they seem dark or super bright in my head.

**weird feeling**: Feeling that there is something wrong with my thinking pattern and my rational thinking.

**weird feeling**: Sudden feeling of being trapped(In life?). (It happens randomly.)

**weird feeling**: That I will suicide if I work, and since then I am not working.

**weird feeling**: Going out seems weird/scary/overwhelming/I don't know.

**weird feeling**: Something that happened a long time ago seems close, something that happened a short time ago feels far.

**weird feeling**: This is about babies. Somewhere I have read "I don't want kids on this terrible world." And now there is a weird feeling when I see a baby.

**weird feeling**: Everything seems darker. Like my vision changed.

**weird feeling**: When I read here on reddit someone who is suicidal/depressed etc. All of the feelings come back and it feels like i am feeling the same way as him. (When time passes I can see the difference.)

**AND THE MOST IMPORTANT** :WEIRD FEELING THAT IF I WORK/GO TO UNIVERSITY OR FEEL OVERWHELMED I WILL S....... FEELING THAT I AM ALREADY OVERWHELMED AND WILL S......

Update 0: I have days, when I feel relatively normal, but still those thoughts, feeling are in background accompanied by butterflies/knot in the stomach and a weird feeling.

Update 1: Yesterday I read somewhere that you are suicidal if you have desire to die. When I read this I had (? I am not sure what i felt -???Anxiety attack??? )and the thoughts felt so real like I am feeling the same way, it lasted about an hour then I felt normal, and the thoughts seemed less real.

Update 2: Last night I was laying in my bed and decided to go to the kitchen to smoke a ciggarete. I was relatively fine. I was sleepy. As I was smoking I suddently looked in the place where we are keeping the knives and imagined getting a knife and s...... I got intense strike in the stomach and like an urge to do it, it felt real. Then I tried to calm my self but the thought "Life is meaningless" with somekind of weird ??future?? feeling came. The strike in the stomach became more intense, I immediately went to my room. I was no longer sleeping, and started googling about suicidal thoughts/suicidality. Today I woke up with low mood and the pictures of yesterday stuck in my head, with a weird stomach feeling. Also while I am writing this there is a feeling/thoughts that I just don't want to admit it. And a confusion if I am suicidal?

I went to a psychiatrist, and told him about the throughts. He asked me if i have a plan or fantasie about.... Then I said no, but i see intrusive images. And he said that it is ocd.

I don't have much symptoms of depression. But I do have less/none interest in the things that used to be intrerested. I go less outside. I am more irritable. I can't tell if I have anxiety because I want it or because I don't. I am afraid of the summer comming, because I read somewhere that people often do it then and now it feels so damn real. It happened in one day I don't get it. Also I went to 4 Psychiatrists and 1 Psychologist, I asked them if this is Major Depresive Disorder, they said that it is unlikely, because I have very few symptoms, They asked me if i set goals to high and so on. And none of them said that it is major depresion, very unlikely. Also, for about two weeks I was relatively fine, the thoughts were still there, but seemed less likely. Then all of a sudden after i read about a guy who was suicidal. The thoughts came back and feel realer than the real. The scary thing is that there are feelings, not only thoughts. For example: Yesterday I read somewhere that you are suicidal if you have 100% desire to die. Then I got hit by (anxiety) not sure and the thoughts seemed even more real, like i really had a desire. It lasted about an hour then I calmed and the thoughts felt less real. Today the same thing happened. Today I also had pulsating neck pain on the right side.(Maybe it is sign of anixety?!?! Maybe not?!?) What the actual f**k??

I don't wish to not being born, to not exist or to not wake up tomorrow for example. But there is a strange, unexplainable feeling that makes me think I am suicidal. WTF? Also when I read somewhere that you should ignore or not give attention to the thoughts because it may become worse, I feel even more terrified because I can't ignore the thoughts. Also the feeling that I don't want to get better makes me more terrified.

Does that sound like Active SI?

And many ??intrusive?? suicidal thoughts about 16 to be exact, I picked a lot of them while researching and now they are stuck in my head. But I will not list them because they may trigger someone.

I visited 5 psychiatrists, yet, no clear diagnosis. One of them suggested Adjustment Disorder, but I don't think that this is the case, exept I moved to new city(1 year ago.)(because I study there.), and had a lot of stress during exams, nothing more.

I've Googled a lot, about mental health issues, and visited few psychiatrists, one of them Suggested Adjustment Disorder, the second one suggested OCD, but still I am so confused.:

1. Does this sound like Depression?

2. Does this sound like Bipolar?

3. Does this sound like Anxiety?

4. Does this sound like OCD?

5. Does this sound like BPD?

6. Does this sound like Existential Crisis?

7. Does this sound like SI/Suicidality?

Everytime i post on reddit i feel like i missed something....

Do I sound suicidal?

Thanks in advance, have a good night.

[Stilltrying_]

Hi there and sorry to hear you are going through such a bad time. Your post is very long and I haven't been able to read it all through. I can see you've seen five psychiatrists. I hope that by writing out your post it has helped made things clearer in your head. You are possibly overthinking the situation but I am not sure to be honest. I don't have much energy at the moment so mainly I just noticed you have not had any replies and I wanted to just send a reply and to say we are not ignoring you; just tired (in my case) Xx

All the best, Gemma X

[denvajade]

Hi to make it simple, I think you have anxiety, perhaps see your doctor for that. Wishing you well.

[AjMiki]

Having read your post, top to bottom...I can see why you was diagnosed with ocd, every weird feeling is associated with same degree of pain/emotions. Your not letting go of any of these feelings and keep looking to feed the habit. Personally I would start reading on how to improve your health, mind, body and sole and less google on whys and ifs of suicide.

I share your sentiments with regards to feeling like it's personal...Recently, I see someone's outside beauty as the perfect person only to witness them blow there mind with cocaine and put their body up for sale! It feels like it's happen to me, almost like this stranger is hurting me and targeting me, My mind says they are so much better than that or even me yet I don't know them but I feel all these intense emotions and yes it does drive me nuts!

I share a lot of your feelings as stated above, suicide though is not an option. I presume you are hopefully on medication to ease the anxiety and obsession, but the work lies ahead with you personally. I suggest you get back to doing the good things in your life, slowly but surely, step by step, create a new life just like the one that has just been created for you 4 months ago!

Break your addiction to intrusive thoughts, break the pattern of thinking by getting out and about, get some cbt counselling - the very fact you have posted on here is a sure sign you want help n support n understanding! I certainly do know what your going through, time to get the ball rolling mate

[ttonev in reply to AjMiki]

Do you think I am actually suicidal or this is OCD?

[AjMiki in reply to ttonev]

I'm no expert...but OCD is more than just washing your hands all the time or rearranging the cuterlery draw...it's about obsessing! And yes I do think your obsession is based on the suicide of Chester from Linkin Park. I had a similar experience of overwhelming sadness and anxiety when I heard about Gary Speed (wales football manager) suicide - no matter what the circumstances, it affected me like it was personal and I thought about it continually, however it never made me suicidal, but we all tick differently.

You have seen a number of professionals and suspect your constantly seeking answers for what is happening here for you!

Like I say, you can continue to do this over and over again which will feed the obsession and before you know it, that is all you will ever think about. Your feelings are being falsely fed by this.

Your clearly intelligent and know the issues you are facing , Go back to your docs and admit the OCD (for now) see what happens and take the meds, but you also need to step up and face this rather than allow this , so I would also recommend you seek therapy for changing the way you think.

[Zoea]

Have you tried mindfulness? Like REALLY tried it??

[Hidden]

Hi! It sounds like when you read an article about someone who did something bad, you were triggered to question the feelings in your own life. Some people are sort of afraid that they are secretly suicidal, or that someone will find out they want to die, or some such thing. Its basically just a twitch of the brain. It is similar to OCD, or anxiety.

"I have really hard time describing what is happening in my brain(nearly impossible), but i will try. Life feels meaningless without any apparent reason. I am constantly anxious, have less energy. I don't go outside as I used to. I am constantly in my home. I am constantly in my head."

<----this is what people who have never experienced depression feel like, when they experience it for the first time. You lost some, motivating factor for your life, probably , from what you've described it sounds like you kind of lost your faith in life itself, or your faith in yourself.

third thing to mention, are you a sensitive person? Some anxious people are very swayed by the power of suggestion. You are worried, I can see that from your writing style, worried people do things like visit 5 psychiatrists, because they are worried that something is wrong with them. you could be having an existential type crisis, which in that case, is totally fine. Maybe you should write a journal entry about your feelings, & see what comes up! Sometimes things bother us, and we don't know why. Oh and I just remembered, I also heard about Chester from Linkiln park's suicide, and you know what, I had a similar feeling! I felt bad! Because I also knew he had a family and that on the surface, he seemed alright. But I didn't dwell on it, because after I absorbed the information, I also realized that sometimes people hide their emotions, and put on a false front. So I hope that helps you some friend.

last thing to mention!

You are young, 20, probably an old soul but physical age wise, you have a lot of life in front of you. Actually this can cause some people to have a bit of a sublimation crisis, where they pick something to focus on that isn't the large or threatening life changes they are going through and focus on the "problem" instead. lol! People are crazy yo. But friend, you will be okay.

Quote from Tara Brach "fatigue is the un-lived life"