Depressive thoughts

[mrsherondale]

I have been battling anxiety and depression for ages. And I keep falling back In. I go into the bathroom and I feel trapped and get weird thoughts like I would have a heart attack and die on this seat. I lie down for bed and I get weird symptoms and I think I'll die and I suddenly imagine my funeral with my mom crying and everyone too. It is so so scary and happens almost spontaneously now. I keep thinking I'm dying screaming. Whenever my heart feels like it isn't beating I think this. I have weak legs and can barely walk without feeling woozy and without feeling my heart stops every second. Idk how to deal with This anymore. I feel I have suicidal thoughts now too. I have a terrible fear of dying but now I don't know what to do.

[Hidden]

I think you need to see your Doctor and ask to be refered to a trained professional.

[Mandy6513]

I also have developed a fear of dying but for me its connected to the fact i need a double lung transplant but whatever the reason is i know how awful it is it scares me to death ..............like you it can just come on out of nowhere.....the only advice i can give you is the second you get that thought dont go with it...think about anything else just to divert it, put the tv on , listen to the radio i do find that when its silent my brain does overtime so ive constantly got something on in the background that i can listen to and focus on and i mean that literally i even sleep with the tv on in my bedroom x

[Hidden in reply to Mandy6513]

Sorry to hear you need a double lung transplant Mandy. Are you on some sort of waiting list? Hope I'm not being nosey, if so tell me to butt out!

[Mandy6513 in reply to Hidden]

Dont be silly i wouldn't have mentioned it if i wasn't ok about talking about it...

The answer is yes and no....ive had all the assessments at Harefield transplant unit and they want me on the list for a double lung transplant but i just cant find the courage to do it but hope i will find it at some point x x

[Hidden in reply to Mandy6513]

Ah what an awful thing to have hanging over you. It's a huge decision. You just don't know on a forum what people have to live/go through. I wish you courage to do what you need to do. Xx

[Mandy6513 in reply to Hidden]

No your right there honey...we dont know who we are talking to or what they are going through and its something i find heartwarming about forums like these because support can come from the most unusual places and can have quite an impact..x

[Hardey_Leone in reply to Mandy6513]

Honey? Understood. If you are going to take that tone. All the best.

[Hidden in reply to Hardey_Leone]

Honey? Tone? Sorry I'm not with it.

[Hardey_Leone in reply to Hidden]

Have a happy xmas.

[Mandy6513 in reply to Hidden]

No nor me

[Hidden in reply to Mandy6513]

Hi mandy why not just go on the list anyway? It doesn't mean you are committed to it does it? You can always change your mind in the future.

I do understand your fear of death and I would hate to be faced with a decision like this. To be honest I don't know what I would do either. Have they given you a survival time without a lung transplant? Have you done research on survival rates? Are the odds in your favour? I am sure you have all the facts and figures though... I wish you luck. x

[Mandy6513 in reply to Hidden]

Hi cough

Yes you have to be committed to transplant to go on the list although there is situations that can come up and people say no at the last minute and can get back on the list but if you said no a second time thats it your off

As for time ...the rule of thumb is that transplant is offered when meds are not effective or you have 2-3 years life expectancy without transplant but when you talk to the transplant staff they tell you they can not put a time on it !!!.........its so complicated and transplant dosnt mean you will live for 20 years..

Im stable at the moment but if i started to deteriorate i may have a different view on it ....

Merry Christmas honey x x

[Hidden in reply to Mandy6513]

Very difficult Mandy and a decision I would not like to have to make! Would it cut down the risk by just having 1 lung transplanted instead of 2? Or doesn't it work like that?

I know there are several on the site who had had it done, but only time will tell if it was worth it I guess.

If you did wait until and unless you deteriorate would it be too late for you to go on the list? Would you have less chance of finding a donar?

Merry Christmas to you too chuck. Try and forget all about it for the seasonable period and have a good time anyway. x

[Mandy6513 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah that is a risk ...you have to be ill enough to need transplant but well enough to recover from it...

Like you say im just forgetting about it for now and enjoy Christmas which is hard cos i hate it now the kids are grown up and i found out santa isnt real x

[Hidden in reply to Mandy6513]

Ohh Mandy Santa is real my Grandson has just skyped me to tell me so! Please think about committing yourself for the transplant, A very old friend had a double lung and heart transplant two years ago he now has the strength to enjoy being with and playing with his grandchildren, he was in the same frame of mind as you are now until he had a very big scare ! So please all life is worthwhile even mine and yours these days it is very very rare for things to go wrong as everything is cross referenced so many times that they cut the odds of anything going wrong. Me I am not afraid of death but am afraid of how I die! S3en so many deaths fairly peaceful and those who suffer right to the end , I want to be in control of mine

[Mandy6513 in reply to Hidden]

Wow a heart and lung transplant is a daunting thought. He must be a pretty incredible man. I agree I think we should all have the choice to have some control if how we die. Thank you

[mrsherondale in reply to Mandy6513]

I don't have a TV in my bedroom but yeah YouTube does help me.

I rsally really hope you get better very soon Mandy. Life is hard. And this is a very rough time for you. I hope it goes away swiftly with you feeling completely better

[Hidden]

Hi I can't add to what's been said but I do wish you all the best. Are you aware that coz you didn't lock your post this and all the replies could end up anywhere on the web? x

[mrsherondale in reply to Hidden]

ooh. I really had no idea.

[Gambit62]

Really sorry you are struggling so much with intrusive thoughts.

I found that understanding a bit about how the brain worked helped me in my journey with trying to find a way of dealing with such thoughts - as did some meditation techniques designed to help me understand the difference between myself and my thoughts.

On the brain:

The bit that deals with fear is really primitive and hasn't moved on much from the days when it was all about reacting and getting away from physical dangers, so the response is to send you images of the consequences of a danger. Good if you are about to be attacked by a bear but pretty useless when the cause is stress as that tends to mean some image or other of death which can make you more stressed in a vicious circle and the thoughts just become continual.

Shortly after I joined this forum I realised that my technique for dealing with the thoughts of death was wrong - the image I had was that of an unwanted caller and rather than just opening the door and telling them politely to go away I was cowering in a corner of the house hoping that they wouldn't notice me and would go away. The technique I adopted after that realisation was to start opening the door and politely telling the thoughts to go away ... or more exactly to start thanking my brain for warning me that I was stressed and that I needed to think about something else instead ... and then turn my attention to something else. Basically, I was trying to change my reaction to the thoughts to one that didn't get me caught up in the spiral. I thought it would take months to achieve but in the end it actually took a couple of weeks.

My depression turned out to be a vitamin deficiency (only took 40+ years to figure that out :)) so isn't an issue any more. That doesn't mean that I don't get stressed at times and at those times I do recognise the thought patterns around death coming back - but manage to break free of the spiral quite easily.

Hope you find something that works for you.

[Mandy6513 in reply to Gambit62]

I love what you have said there and agree with it on listening to your body and diverting your thoughts...

Its interesting that they found you deficient in vitamins ...i do think that gets over looked a lot because usually gps just give you a prescription for antidepressants without investigating in

[Gambit62 in reply to Mandy6513]

vitamin concerned was B12 ... its a complicated one to get a diagnosis on - most people would have multiple symptoms before it gets flagged up on blood test results as being below normal range - know I did ... and it wasn't an investigation done by my GP - chance investigation when I was in hospital with a broken leg ... and my GP was pretty useless on it - had to work out everything for myself ... and basically treat myself - not a route I'd recommend to anyone unless you can establish that the vitamin concerned is one you can't overdose on.

[mrsherondale in reply to Gambit62]

Thank you this. It really really helped.

Actually my thoughts are so horrible and brutal and I always fear it will happen whatever that is going on in my head i get pertrified. like there is a possibility of my dad choking or my mom fainting and all. It scares me this could happen. Same case with me. So idk how to battle with this thought. But I'll try and thank it to warn me this could've happened but didn't.

[Gambit62 in reply to mrsherondale]

Sorry to hear about the thoughts. I think the trick is not to battle with the thought but to accept it. Sounds like you care a lot about your parents. Not sure if they are getting on a bit or not but if they are then that may be the source of anxiety, or it could be that there is a bit of you that feels you aren't spending enough time or being in contact as often as you feel you should be ... emphasis on feeling here rather than reality ... and I really am not a psychiatrist - but may be just giving them a quick phone call would be a way of dealing with it if that is what is going on. Don't make it about their health but just about saying hello.

[Gambit62 in reply to Gambit62]

Just seen your latest post - really sorry to hear about your grandmother - can't say for sure but it does sound as if what you are feeling may be related to that. Losing someone that you were close to is really difficult. There is a period during the process of grieving when you aren't actually remember the person but you are reliving all the emotions you had when they died ... panic is a common one.

When my dad died I found that keeping a pair of his old glasses at the top of the stairs really helped me - it was something concrete and a reassurance that he had actually existed.

Hope that you are able to talk about your grandmother with your parents - talking is an important part of the grieving process and getting from remember the person as dead to remembering what they were like when they were alive.

People get over the death of someone close at different rates - it is a process and you just have to be patient with yourself.

There are organisations that can help as well - CRUISE in the UK is the most obvious one.

[secondhandrose2]

I agree, I have multiple symptoms of B12 deficiency but am still within the NHS norm range though way below the one they use in the US... They put my constant tiredness down to fibromyalgia and I can't get B12 over the counter...

[Hidden]

Hi, I found this useful

clinical-depression.co.uk/

[mrsherondale in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for thisss