Sorry if it seems I am on here just to ask and not give advice, but I was just wondering what to do on a day like this?
My partner is at work, my daughter is at school and I am alone in the house and bored to death. I cannot sit in the garden as neighbours are out and I have social anxiety. I feel horrible that my life has come to this, sat about with literally nothing to do. I am currently listening to music on YouTube whilst my dinner is cooking but I cannot get this horrible feeling of my life being a complete waste out of my head. I feel horrendous.
I am so self conscious so even when I do leave the house I hate walking past people and if they look at me I feel like they are disgusted by how I look.
Also I have health anxiety too and am convinced I have some terrible illness. My mind is all over the place, I haven't laughed for ages. I hate my life at the moment.
Don't get me wrong I love my family etc, I enjoy nature, I think the world (in general) is a beautiful place, but at the moment I genuinely cannot stand my life. I don't feel able to work or anything.
I have tried CBT last year and it was lovely speaking to somebody about myself and the way I am but it just didn't work overall. I am considering doing it again just to give me a bit routine (I had in once a week last time for 16 weeks).
This weather is horrible though, I havent tied my hair up in 10 years and I do not like having short trousers/sleeves so I sweat all the time.
Sorry for being so negative I am just sick of this.
He will not put a holiday in unless we are going somewhere (which we never do).
He does only work part time, but he works every Saturday and Sunday so I have our daughter by myself and she is a handful at the moment, constantly lying about everything and I hate being alone with her (not for a few hours or anything I mean all day). Even when he is not at work I struggle to get out the house as I hate the Sun and hate being around people who have skimpy clothes on when I look like an eskimo!
I do enjoy reading but just think to myself surely it isn't healthy to sit about all day reading?
We do not have any money, we would LOVE to go to a zoo as all 3 of us would enjoy that but we can't even afford to go out of the city we are in. Obviously this is because I am not working and my partners boss will not give him full time hours so its nobodies fault but very frustrating. If relatives ask me to go out for the day I always say we cannot afford to and they change their tones of voice with me and it seems they do not believe me. So I can no longer say I have no money now and just lie and say I feel unwell or something. She is 7.
Sorry for being so awkward haha, I seem to be in a hole of self pity, but things are hard lately like we are stuck in a never ending rut.
I feel like that currently as I have been dumped by my fiance (who I was living with) with no reason and he has now moved out so I feel very alone.
Maybe speak to your partner tonight and tell him how you are feeling both physically and mentally.
x
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post I have just looked at your profile and found your post about your breakup but as its on a different section I cannot comment there.
That experience must have been awful and he has broke up with you in a very childish (his parents being there) and mean way (telling you he loved you beforehand).
Did he not even give you a reason? I know how horrid you must be feeling and you will be finding it hard to adjust but things WILL get better.
I have been with my partner for 8 years but we did split up for 5 months, those first few weeks were hell beyond belief. I did start feeling better though, and got to the stage where I truly thought I could manage without him.
Do you have any friends who will keep you company? I found it got some much easier on evenings (probably due to the day coming to an end). If you have a time of day where it is manageable then focus on the other times. Do you like reading? Perhaps love a programme that you could 'omnibus' on the computer?
Hope you are feeling better, I know this is a tacky thing to say but you are seriously better off without him considering the way in which he broke up with you.
My partner knows how I feel as I have been this way for 15 months (been depressed 6.5 years). I guess nobody will ever understand unless they have been there.
Thats sounds like a lovely idea. I think that is my next mission, to pluck up the courage to go on a picnic (I feel like everybody keeps looking at me and thinking horrible things about me haha).
This is going to seem harsh and unsympathetic pinkjumper but it is not meant that way. The more you stay in the more you will stay in. You have to force yourself out even if you don't want to go. Take your daughter to a park or something so you are not on your own. Something which really helped me is the realisation that other people are much too busy worrying about themselves rather than be critical of me. You are simply not that important to the person in the street that they would spend their time thinking about and criticising you!
If you take 100 people, 2 will become friends, 2 will dislike you and the rest simply don't realise you exist. Think about it. xx
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Hi Coughalot, you do not sound at all harsh, I was told the same by my CBT therapist last year.
To be honest though, providing I am not alone I don't really stay in. If I am alone though, I definitely would not go out the house as I simply don't enjoy sitting in the Sun or anything due to me overheating as I wear long sleeves and trousers.
I feel a little better today as my partner was off work and we got to go out for a few hours, but I get all flustered with me hating my appearance and then I end up snapping at him which makes me feel like he will leave me. We've been together for 8 years and I know he wouldn't just get up and go but how much more of my crying and self loathing can he take.
Would it help to get a pet? A cat, or maybe a dog you can take for walks. There are so many animals that need a home. I've just lost my lovely cat after 14 years and we will get another, just not yet.
I know what it's like to feel self conscious but believe me, most people don't notice what's going on around them, they are far too wrapped up in themselves and the image they're presenting!
I am alone a lot in the day now too so the house feels very empty at present. I took up knitting again about 10 years ago and it's been a boon, something to keep the hands busy and it's creative. Forget about its granny image, loads of younger women are taking it up. And you end up with something to wear! Start with a scarf so there's no shaping.
I know what you mean about the sun too. When my cat was put to sleep earlier this week it was a lovely sunny morning and I am just hoping I won't forever associate that sort of weather with his demise. It doesn't help that the forecast is quite good! The sun can make you feel exposed and under pressure to be happy. But it's only weather - and we can't change it.
Hi SueBee thank you for reply and I am so sorry for your loss.
I do have 3 cats who I love to bits but they prefer to sleep or fight each other, admittedly it is funny to watch.
I honestly do wish I could knit, my Mam tried to learn me when I was pregnant but I could not get the hang of it, maybe I could look on YouTube, it may be easier than having somebody get stressed when you can't do something haha.
I do love reading and I could honestly sit for hours reading, but my reason not to read was because I am terrified of a blood clot, but to be honest if I'm going to sit around worrying about a blood clot, I may aswell sit around worrying about a blood clot, whilst reading hehe then it may take my mind off things. I just feel guilty wasting my life away, when ideally I'd have a decent job and we'd be going on day trips etc.
Yes I feel like people expect you to be happy when the sun shines, my sister keeps telling me to sit outside and when I say no I'm boring. It doesn't help that my family are so critical.
It seems to me your family have done a good job of creating and/or prolonging your self consciousness! Why do you worry about a blood clot? Are you predisposed to them? You'd have to sit for literally hours on end to develop one (like on a long plane journey) and most people move about at least once an hour! I have to take warfarin (blood thinner) for a heart condition.
If there are any knitting groups near you I'm sure they'd love to teach you to knit - new recruits always welcome. Or a local wool shop will give you advice. It's always best to have someone show you rather than look at Youtube though that is a good resource and I have searched for advice on it in the past. Good thing about knitting is it's portable, unlike sewing when you can't really lug a machine around with you!
Best of luck. (How does not wanting to sit in the sun make you boring? If you ask me, your sis needs to look at her own life.)
Hi SueBee, whilst I don't think my family would ever purposefully try to hurt or upset me, I do believe that they have contributed to me being this way (on a minute level). When we first got the cats (2 of them) I actually got wrong off my mam! It was almost 3 years ago so I would have been 22, I had lived away from home for 3.5 years and I got wrong! Then my family went on to mention my cats on a pretty regular basis, they stink, they're not even pets (like dogs apparently - I love dogs, but cats are equally as lovable, our youngest cat is my baby), one family member even said I should be spending the money I spend on the cats on my daugher, that INFURIATED me beyond belief. They don't mention them anymore but it lasted a loooong time and really got me down. Then the state of my house was mentioned on almost every family visit (my house is messier than your average house I will admit that, but being told I was a disgrace etc did not give me the motivation to clean it it only made things worse, it also doesn't help that my 26 year old partner acts like a teenager, clothes all over, games all over, my family telling me to tell him to get sorted or get out! I am not going to kick him out for being a slob, dont get me wrong I do with he would sort himself out but I would never end my relationship due to mess, if it was actually dirty then maybe, but a mess never hurt anyone).
My family also get digs in about me not working. Even if I say we are skint they do not like it, as if I would lie about money. They aren't as bad as it sounds, they just aren't very understanding either - they could have at least feigned empathy.
Wow sorry for my long moan, I'm not sure if there are any knitting places close by but it would do no harm in looking. Plus I could knit cosy blankets for the cats!
If somebody asks if I want to do something and I say no, I am boring. If I don't laugh at something I have no sense of humour. You can't win haha.
I do wish I enjoyed the sun and I do wish I was more outgoing, but at the same time I like that I enjoy reading, I like that I don't get mortal drunk anymore, I just wish I could have become something, a writer (I can't write to save my life but I'd love to write a book), a lawyer (it doesn't interest me but sounds exciting haha).
Wow, families, eh? They can cause some problems! There was a book out once called 'Families and How to Survive Them'. I have hardly any left, just a sister who I get on OK with at a distance and by email! She lives about 80 miles away.
Not a good idea to get drunk, ever, though I admit it's been tempting this week with grieving for my cat. But booze causes more problems than it solves and it just amplifies however you're feeling at the time thus I'd feel twice as sad.
If you can tell me what town you're near I can research some wool shops/groups for you.
Hi SueBee, I live near (but not in) County Durham.
Haha, that is so true about families. I agree in regards to drinking, the last time I had a drink was 18 months ago and the last time I got drunk was 2 years ago, I hate the stuff. You'd have had a good reason though because of your beloved cat, poor thing.
Back to the gp with you, I think, it sounds like your slowly decending into a low pit,,,, so the meds cant be working well with you. Or you need to see the gp to go back on them.
Accept its a bad day, put some towels in water put them up by the windows, to cool the air, and sit and watch you favorite programs till you can get to see your gp quickly as possible.
Hi coatpin, thank you very much for your reply. I have actually been off meds for 6 weeks now as I cannot control my weight on them and my most recent weight gain was the final straw. I am sick of being told anti depressants do not cause weight gain (I am aware if you stuck to a calorie controlled diet or the likes you would be fine, but everybody I know who has taken them has either gained weight or had to stick to a diet, most having been stick thin beforehand - myself included).
I know it is silly coming off my meds when I have depression, but even on medication I am only a tiny bit better, I still cry all the time and hate myself. I think I need counselling but am too scared to ask for it. I have been offered CBT again, but it didn't work the last time and I know it will not work this time as I simply cannot tell people my issues with my own physical appearance, also alot of my setbacks are due to petty lies my partner tells and this will never change, saying that CBT may help me to accept he is who he is and I cannot change that, I am not going to leave him so I have to try and accept that petty lies will always be a part of my life.
Reading my posts back I can tell I am so mopey and whiney, I am sorry for this, but I was recently told I am not trying to help myself get better, but I disagree. I did CBT last year, was on medication for almost 6 years, I am still trying to go out every day as my CBT therapist told me to do, I stay in usually once a week, but this week it has been 2 times due to my partner working unexpectedly.
AAAAARGGH I feel so stressed as I know I feel worse for being off my meds, but if I got back on I will have to go through what I have already achieved all again in the future. (WIthdrawal which was quite mild compared to what I've read, but still unpleasant ).
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My partner has also noted that since I first become depressed, my weight gain has been the major factor in my depression increasing. Whilst on Paroxetine I was just gaining and gaining, now off them I am maintaining yet my diet has never changed since I met my partner, he will vouch for that. It makes me so sad as my GP knows I have self esteem issues and yet put me on Paroxetine which I have read is the worst AD for weight gain.
I am a complete shadow of my former self. On medication my depression is equivalent to my depression off medication when I first got it if that makes sense, why has it deteriorated instead of improved.
Yes mee too,,, but its the devil and the deep blue sea. Pinkjumper,,, I think you will find, if you did a search on Aftereffects of,,,,, the meds you are on you will find,,, weight gain is one of the problems of many anti depressents.
While your depressed I think you are slower,,, and I think your metabolic slows,,,, as your not as active,,, as when we were younger...
Tobe honest,, I have just accepted I am the way I am.
Even my GP who is female said OH Gosh Linda that isnt you!!! I went from a size 12, to a size 16-18 in 2 months... sleeping all hours,,, my face went like a ghost, I saw a video of me,,, and I just couldnt talk,,got spots,,,, in shock, I just didnt recognise that person !!! and it was me!!! I looked like my sister,, who I just thought she,d given up on herself and there was me,,,, just like her. nothing fitted, my boyfriend went off with someone else, coz i waas fat now. I felt that being sexually abused,,, I was being punished for it, and for being fat now!! becoming homeless because I was sexually abused, lost memory ,,, and being punished all over again, then lost family....
What im fucked with,,, is that the bbbb d has got away with it, and probably doing it to others even the police didnt want to know as it was years ago.
I loose a stone, and for some stupid reason, I felt great, I sabotaged my efforts by buying cakes biscuits ect...Why???
I dont go out,, even though i want too. what am I afraid of??
You see I know the meds are not as effective now, as usually I dont feel this way,, I know its the depression.
So Monday, I will see my doctor, and find something else that might work better, I have been on these for years,, and now they are no longer doing it for me.
You do have a choice, leave your hubby, then that annoyance, is no longer there to make you feel bad. You are not going to know what makes you feel better unless you change something. You know that, its just you at the moment have decided to make the choice to not change.
Wow Linda you have been through a lot, no the wonder you struggle now. It makes me feel guilty to moan as although I am down, I don't really have a reason to be down.
Also, I do love my partner to bits and he does knock me back alot, but I would never leave him. He is the sole person who I can tell my deepest darkest secrets too, he has seen me at my worst and has stuck by me.
As for the weight gain, I went from a 10 to a 12, but I have gained 2 stone, I am the weight now that I was at 8.5 months pregnant :-0, also I know your metabolism decreases as we get older, but I am only 25 and it should not have increased much. I simply cannot accept me being this weight, I would rather me more depressed, I know that sounds somewhat daft, but my biggest issue has always been my low self esteem. Any knock to it is a step back, I got acne and felt like crap, never had it as a teen. My hair is wrecked even though I haven't dyed it in 13 months. The more weight I am gaining, the more angry I am becoming and I cannot stick to a diet even if someone paid me. Also, AD's also completely diminished my sex drive, this is a big no-no and it's not fair on my partner, we have slept together twice in the last 2 years, I am completely apathetic on meds too, which is deeply affecting my relationship with my daughter, I cannot even read to her like a normal parent!
I think with the Summer properly starting I just cannot cope, I am dreading the 6 weeks when everybody is taking their children to the beach and I am stuck indoors so that I don't get some form of heatstroke! It is beyond a joke and I know that my best option would probably be to try and accept who I am,rather than change who I am. It doesn't help looking at my pictures from 5 years ago, I was no model but what I would do to look like that again!!!
But to be honest you wouldnt or maybe didnt feel happy even then!! its what or how you feel about yourself. That has changed the way you feel about yourself.
So all you can do it put yourself way for a bit, in the way of, making sure you read your daughter a story come what may!!! Your daughter needs that.(its not her fault your ill)
After you can feel better for doing that for her.
Dont you realise now you have a womans body, not a girls!! and all the lushious curves that go with it. Only we are hard on ourselves.
What I did was go for a glamour shot, had my makeup done, I never thought in a million years I could look that good !!!! I wanted to show woman of 50s could still be sexy,,,
Well I put the photos on a date site,,, I had hundreds,,,, you see men dont see us as marshons.. having depression is like having a man (devil) on our shoulders saying how worthless we are.
I hate the heat too, So go out in the evening.
I have accepted Im different, not the same, and its like my doctor said, we will be changed and a better person for this experiance, we will appreciate the sun shining that much more next time.
I feel the "world let me down" who to trust? I would feel so much more happier if he was named and shamed. And he was a doctor, my and my daughter doctor. he still trades, and now is a psychiatrist how sick is that.
The police dont want to know, because it happened so long ago, I suffered while he lived his life. went to the gmc, they let him get away with it. I didnt have enough evidence, I had a big breakdown, lost my memory, lost my home all because I couldnt work ,,,, he should be brought down...
So I can, once again, raise my head high!!
Linda
Hi Coatpin, you're right I wasn't happy when I was skinny either but I never for a moment worried about how my body looked (in clothes).
I have serious self esteem issues and they are affecting my life on a daily basis, I wish I could just accept who I am because I know I would be a lot happier for it, but I cannot, I hate who I am and now my personality is changing to something I don't want it to be.
I do think going out in the evening is a good idea, I even met a friend for tea earlier, but this isn't something I could do on a regular basis as there isn't anywhere to go after 5.30 ish, other than tea of course.
I just wish the world wasn't centered around the way people look, I wish I didn't feel like my partner was looking at every single girl who walks past it makes me seethe! He used to always tell me I was 'gorgeous' now I never get that and I know why - because I am not.
Wow, I cannot believe he is a psychiatrist, yes he should be brought down and locked up! Do your close ones know? Have you had counseling for it? The law always turns a blind eye when it suits themselves, if a murdered killed someone 20 years ago would they be told it was too late to prosecute them - i think not!
I hope you find some more meds that work for you and find happiness. You seem to have quite a positive outlook, especially in light of circumstances, that is good.
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