I started to get over him, after a while, I started feeling better. Then one night I felt uneasy and I couldn't sleep I can't even tell what it is, just that I started feeling despair and sadness. I thought I was crazy, I don't want to feel this way, I don't choose to feel this way. And the prospect of feeling like this for years and years about someone who I am unable to have a relationship with frightens the life out of me. I see a psych for this for counseling and anxiety and depression medication. He was a great manipulator and always playing lying to me on a daily basis, but when he was nice, he was really nice and loving except his manipulative tendencies. I don't understand how you can have such deep and passionate feelings about someone and not be with them? I miss the touch of his skin, his scent, his beautiful body and face, his charming smile he always smelled good and dressed nice.. never had bad breath. Teeth was clean ..he doesn't smoke and takes care of his body.. he has a great smile he is funny smart and romantic and I remember all the good memories spent together. Sometimes I even hallucinate expecting him to knock on my door suddenly, I have vivid dreams about us only to wake up and to find that he is not next to me hugging me and I just break down crying. I just black out completely and have a mental breakdown because I remember how happy I was, when I was with him. Now, it's a complete loneliness and emptiness and a state of neverending up and down depression. Sometimes I wake up and I wish that I would just fall asleep next time and never wake up again. I go out with friends a lot, I did what everything is supposed to do after bad break ups: lots of hobbies, new friends, adventures, holidays abroad, new haircut, new clothes, bought lots of make-up, changed my appearance completely, widened my social circle of friends, been to so many amazing countries and restaurants and bars. This might bring you temporary satisfaction for couple of hours whenever you meet with friends, but it will never compare to the strong emotions and feeling you have felt when you were with the person you love the most... I could just go to the park with him and just talk and feel million times better than going out with friends and spending 100's on shopping. I don't feel at all interested in starting with a new guy. I am still very much in love with my ex and I am afraid also that I will not be able to move on. That I may just exist and go through the motions to try to be happy without him in my life. Anyways, no one should feel pathetic for falling in love. It is not easy to unlove someone. Just struggling to cope living every day without him. He was a sociopath, cheated all the time, lies, manipulation, all sorts of deceiving tendencies, but when he was nice, I have never felt so happy in my life like before. Nothing can bring me more excitement or joy than the moments which I have spent with him. It's just so hard move on and keep hanging onto the past and the memories which we shared together, because reality is terrible for me. I live with regret and the deepest sadness. I'm trying to remember the negatives in our relationship and trying my very best to turn that love into forget. I try each day to smile and keep an open mind. I realize, however, that this loss of love has left me in a depressed state. Sort of wish I never met him. It saddens me so much to think about how I could be alone forever and never feel the same way again. I have tried really, really hard to heal myself and get over him by therapy, writing out feelings, trying to convince myself he wasn't that special, filling my life with friends/hobbies etc but none of it has truly worked long-term. I have reached a point where it's hard to even imagine meeting someone I will feel so strongly about ever again. Some days are ok and I feel more positive; others are really hard, especially when there are specific reminders or I have a vivid dream about him. I wake up from these dreams with an overwhelming sadness weighing me down. It's amazing how fresh the grief can still feel sometimes, despite the fact it's been months. I know I could never go back there because whilst the feelings and the passion of the relationship were so intense, it was also toxic and I knew it would destroy me if I didn't get out. It was awful because I didn't want him back, but it's as if my feelings got stuck in a compartment in my heart separate from the rest of my body, separate from common sense. It sucks. I have good days, then I have days like today. I don't want him back, I just want him out of my cell memory. Out of my heart because he treated me bad, so why do I still care so much? It's funny, I really like the person I am becoming, just wish that stuck part didn't exist. It's blocking love from my life. And it exists all the time. I felt something when we were intimate, I've never felt that with my exes before him or anyone else. We went through so much pain and so much love. He mentally and emotionally abused me and broke my heart then and there and i knew i was never going to get anything more from the relationship than what it was, so I walked away. we had one of those break up to make up relationships.


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17 Replies

  • Oh my word. How I can identify with all that is written. I broke it off too. Till today I wished I never said these words. But I could not take them back. The love of my life has gone. 24 years of memories is all I am living on. 4 years on and 2 years of counselling has not taken away how I am feeling. Empty !!!! Like you the relationship was also killing me but it was 100% better than the feelings I have now. So you are not alone in this. I am sure many of us are carrying the same feelings. I just was so compelled with what you have written. I needed to reply. Stay strong!!!!!

  • I'm trying to be strong I was worse than this crying daily. This the first time I've cried for the month, I just cannot take it anymore. I am not good enough for anybody or anything.

  • I completely identify with how you feel. I often think the same things, like how I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up. I am tired and worn out and believe I won't meet anyone else. And even if I did the guy would bolt because he won't understand me and my disability. My ex accepted this part of me but he broke it off and I have struggled ever since. I think about him every day

  • Oh you poor thing, it's just like you are grieving him, I know how you feel, it took me 7 years to get over an ex, because he was perfect in every way, we even have a child together , well he's nearly 20 now, but yep 7 years, then one day I just woke up and I was in love again and went on to have a 15 year relationship, got married but sadly he died last year of brain cancer, and he left me 7 months before he died to find out only a few months ago that he wanted me to stand on my own 2 feet, we split as friends but his family and so called friends turned against me and I never got to say goodbye even tho I was his wife, so I'm carrying guilt with me 24/7' why guilt coz I found someone so soon after the split, why, coz everyone needs to be loved and you clearly loved this man, you have dun everything by the book after a break up, but time is all I can say, it is the best healer, I look back on the man who broke my heart and think what an earth was I like, .... How old are you? If you don't mind me asking, and like you the relationship I fell into after my husband and me splitting for nearly 2 years , he mentally and physically abused me!!, broke my ribs, bit me, spat in my face, dragged me by my hair around hotel rooms( he use to take me away a lot ) ,I never told anyone, I just blamed to pain on my fibromyalgia , I went through all that, for nothing only to live with guilt for not being there for my husband the last 7 months of his life, I will explain the story one day how it all turned nasty, where I did have a mental break down , couldn't put a sentence together, couldn't walk and layer in my own vomit, urine, coz I had know one and still 2 years on I'm getting grief from what people have no idea what went on behind closed doors, and you my flower!! 🌸🌸🌸🌸 you will find love again, I promise you, that and never listen to anybody apart from yourself, if you wanna play the field a bit go for it, or just dating can be fun, everyone deserves to be loved and give love out, I'm not gonna say your better off without him and stuff like that, coz you loved this man , maybe you had underling depression when you met so maybe that's why you still love the man that treated you so badly, your selfastem was low without you knowing and you don't realise until BANG something upsetting and heart reanching it's you, but to me you are normal too feel like this, your heart is broken and no one can fix it only TIME , hope you smile very soon and look back and think what an earth was I doing lol or maybe another chance with him, how long have you been split up?? If you don't want too tell me that's fine, I'm just going on my own experience , I'm 42 and had enough heartbreak, I'm with someone new now and he's amazing, and again everything I want in love, he reminds me so much of my late husband , not in looks , just how he loves and cares for me, so I'm a great believer that my late husband sent him too me, coz I reackon he seen me get abused by the man who took me away why I was vulnerable and on a lot of meds one I'm naming and it ruined my life and that's OxyContin very very strong pain killer, that made me carefree numb , messed my head up!!! , so when I took myself off it, everything came crashing down all my feelings and that's when I had a mental breakdown , that drug ( heroine) brilliant pain killer for severe fibromyalgia but not for your brain!!

    Anyway I'm off back too bed as my body hurts every day coz of my subconious mind ,I'll always have that guilt, for my late husband and 3 boys coz I wouldn't listen too anybody I wanted too be happy after caring for a loved one for 7 years, I needed to be me, so you , be you and take your time , see a dr for maybe antidepressants ( if your not all ready on them) and go with the flow, and do what makes you happy

    All the love & peace Claire xxxx

  • I'm 25 and he is 32 and we've been broken up 5 months now and I've dated on and off for 3 years. I just can't deal with this anymore. I want to be free of this pain and hurt and on top of that I have other problems.

  • That's exactly how I feel. So you're definitely not alone. I feel like I am trudging along and that I just can't enjoy myself when out with friends. I feel like life is tiring and full of false hope.

  • I just want to sleep all day, everyday. I don't want to speak to anyone.

  • Hello

    You are still very young and this time of year does not help when we lose someone next to the Festive Season, we seem to be at a loose end and possible you feel how nice it would have been at Christmas to be together. Your Man was a bit older than you and you do have a long life ahead of you where you will meet many new people who you will date for a time then move on. We all feel the same way and their is nothing we can do about it when someone prefers to move of in a different direction to you and we have to acknowledge it was the best time to break up now rather than later as the pain would be much worse at that time. Remember if you where to marry and the break happened then the feeling of lose would have been worse if you did have children or making a new home

    Generally I know it is hard to loose someone who we love. All I can suggest is that you give yourself time and you will meet that soul mate that is somewhere waiting for you


  • Am I giving myself time, but this is hurting me a lot.

  • Hi if you got back with him could you live with the fact he was a 'sociopath, cheated all the time, lies, manipulation, all sorts of deceiving tendencies'? Is that worth the 'nice'?

    It wouldn't be for me I can tell you that. You deserve better and once you can let go you will find someone a lot nicer who treats you a lot better than that.

    You will not feel like this all your life but you must really try and accept he is out of your life and move on. Until you put this relationship to bed you will never be able to meet someone else. It takes time but work on it please. x

  • I'll never go back! I am meeting other guys, but I'm just not into them. And the ones I want to date, don't want to really date me. Ugh this is all so confusing and life sucks.

  • Oh dear join the club. That's the problem I have usually had - the ones I want don't want me and the ones I don't want do... What is a girl to do? I agree life sucks sometimes. x

  • Oh poppet you really are struggling 😢 It's only been 5 months, have you seen him or spoke too him? Coz you be surprised people can change, he might be feeling the same, yes he sounds like an ass hole but did you let him be one too you?? If you really love this man then fight for him, make him see that no one will ever love him like you do and always will, if he made you feel that special at times then can you not sit and talk this through and see if he understands what he's been doing to you but also how wonderful he made you feel, you really love this man then get inside his head be strong with him, tell him what he is!! Ask how he feels about you, if he still loves you then get him too see that your love is worth fighting for and be together and also it does sound like you need an antidepressant , have you seen a dr?? Coz I'm sure if this guy was has bad as you said, I'm sure you wouldn't love and miss him as much, I look back at myself and how much some of the relationship I've been hurt in was me as well and I needed to change, I needed to show some exes who's boss!! So maybe give something else ago , and age is nothing but a number, I know 50 year old men that behave like a 20 year old, let me know how your doing most days, but like I said change , change everything including him!! It can work, I've seen it, I've seen men behave like your ex and get back with there woman and now she where's the trousers and he worships the ground she walks on, but first LOVE YOURSELF first be strong, sexy , hold your head up high , all the best chicken and please see a dr if you haven't yet coz you are grieving him , you lost your best mate,

    Love &a peace Claire ps , buy a rose quartz stone and sleep with it under your pillow, and close your eyes and visualise you 2 together , evry tiny moment and make it happen how you want him in every way xxxx

  • If he is truly a sociopath then he will never change, although he can pretend that he has, and very convincingly too. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you really are better off without a true sociopath. Don't make the mistake of giving a true sociopath a second chance or you'll end up with twice the heartache. This post isn't locked so I won't say anything else, more than please, just trust me on this. You can get through this but it will take a fair bit of time to fully recover, they have a very powerful emotional hold over their victims. I wish you all the very best, be kind to yourself x

  • Thank you I am trying! I gave him enough chances and it failed miserably. But I miss him and it's bittersweet.

  • Be strong, you can do this, but it will take a bit of time to recover. Hugs xx

  • Hi ya just popping in too see how your doing??? What happened in the end with this fella?? Did u get him back and did he change, did you be brave and shut him out of your head space and I hope so and him came back with his tail between his legs and now he's your slave lol so too speak , you know what I mean, or have you met mr right? Let's us know how your doing tho coz I care xx

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