I woke up in tears again this morning them constant never ending racing thoughts going round my head never stop.Every single day from the minute I wake up till I finally sleep but not for long. It’s like I’m in a constant battle with my head and I’m losing my mind is torturing me. I feel like I’m bouncing off the walls my moods are all over the place always changing will I ever know peace. I feel like I’m losing the plot I find it hard to try and explain to people how am feeling when I try the words in my head just won’t come. It’s so frustrating and no one understands. I live in constant fear and isolation I have hardly left the house in 3 years. I have always felt different and so very alone and battled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and I’ve always had these horrible thoughts even as a small child.I got into drugs at a young age because it took how I felt away if only I’d knew just how much worse things could get.That part of my life has long been over but it haunts me and is still effecting every area of my life even after 15 years I am full of self hatred guilt and shame. I can’t bare to look at myself in the mirror. I am lucky if I can even make it out of bed some days and it’s been getting worse. I don’t see or speak to anyone I feel paranoid that everyone hates me as much as I hate myself. I get really distressed and panicky over my health and start freaking out pacing up and down like a lunatic when it gets like that I am not even aware off my surroundings. My husband is amazing but he’s useless when I get like that he just doesn’t know what to say or do and often when he tries it makes me worse because I cannot explain and make him understand how real everything feels until I manage to calm myself down after a while. Am too paranoid to go out paranoid to stay in as I’m often home alone just me the baby and the dog while my husband and son are at work. I’ve been feeling so ill lately I worry what if something happens while I’m on my own etc. I have a 3 year old daughter this cannot go on. She is the only thing that keeps me going on she is my world.But I feel so very guilty when I’m unable to leave the house and do things with her it’s so unfair. I went to the corner shop the other day it’s the only time I’ve left the house this week. And I nearly got run over walked right into the road it wasn’t intentional my head was else where lucky I never had the baby with me! this happens a lot someone can be talking to me and I’ve just zoned out my husband often accuses me of not listening to him I don’t do it on purpose sometimes I catch myself doing it and suddenly I’m back in the room this makes me paranoid I think people think I’m being rude or just not interested .Often I’m not even aware I’m doing it my memory is terrible and I have a hard time concentrating.I now even more don’t want to leave the house especially with the baby unless my husband is with me. What if I was to zone out and my daughter walked into the road. I binge eat even though I’ve recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes when I get the impulse I just cannot stop even though I have the voice in my head screening stop I still don’t. I always screw everything up it’s like I do it on purpose even things that I really want.Whats wrong with me! I also have liver disease this year my health has got worse I feel constantly fatigued with no energy at all makes me think if this is all I have to look forward to what’s the point. Everyone would be better off without me. I live in constant fear that my husband will leave me I mean why would anyone want me like this I know he loves me but I don’t understand how anyone can.I’ve been to the doctors all they want to do is give me pills I’ve tried quite a few now with terrible side effects. Made me feel a million times worse. I tried CBT never worked.This is more than just depression and anxiety I know it but I feel no one is listening to me. I was having suicidal thoughts last week so I went to the doctors took my husband with me this time.And finally she has referred me to be assessed I’ve been asking over a year! So now I have even more to stress about. What if I cannot speak when I get there what if they don’t believe me. What if they take my daughter what if I get sectioned.This is my own fault this is what I deserve on and on it goes.I just want my mind to give it a rest I’ve tried meditation but it’s almost impossible for my mind to be still unless I’m asleep. Does anyone else ever feel like this?