Battle in my head

[Mizzkent]

I woke up in tears again this morning them constant never ending racing thoughts going round my head never stop.Every single day from the minute I wake up till I finally sleep but not for long. It’s like I’m in a constant battle with my head and I’m losing my mind is torturing me. I feel like I’m bouncing off the walls my moods are all over the place always changing will I ever know peace. I feel like I’m losing the plot I find it hard to try and explain to people how am feeling when I try the words in my head just won’t come. It’s so frustrating and no one understands. I live in constant fear and isolation I have hardly left the house in 3 years. I have always felt different and so very alone and battled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and I’ve always had these horrible thoughts even as a small child.I got into drugs at a young age because it took how I felt away if only I’d knew just how much worse things could get.That part of my life has long been over but it haunts me and is still effecting every area of my life even after 15 years I am full of self hatred guilt and shame. I can’t bare to look at myself in the mirror. I am lucky if I can even make it out of bed some days and it’s been getting worse. I don’t see or speak to anyone I feel paranoid that everyone hates me as much as I hate myself. I get really distressed and panicky over my health and start freaking out pacing up and down like a lunatic when it gets like that I am not even aware off my surroundings. My husband is amazing but he’s useless when I get like that he just doesn’t know what to say or do and often when he tries it makes me worse because I cannot explain and make him understand how real everything feels until I manage to calm myself down after a while. Am too paranoid to go out paranoid to stay in as I’m often home alone just me the baby and the dog while my husband and son are at work. I’ve been feeling so ill lately I worry what if something happens while I’m on my own etc. I have a 3 year old daughter this cannot go on. She is the only thing that keeps me going on she is my world.But I feel so very guilty when I’m unable to leave the house and do things with her it’s so unfair. I went to the corner shop the other day it’s the only time I’ve left the house this week. And I nearly got run over walked right into the road it wasn’t intentional my head was else where lucky I never had the baby with me! this happens a lot someone can be talking to me and I’ve just zoned out my husband often accuses me of not listening to him I don’t do it on purpose sometimes I catch myself doing it and suddenly I’m back in the room this makes me paranoid I think people think I’m being rude or just not interested .Often I’m not even aware I’m doing it my memory is terrible and I have a hard time concentrating.I now even more don’t want to leave the house especially with the baby unless my husband is with me. What if I was to zone out and my daughter walked into the road. I binge eat even though I’ve recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes when I get the impulse I just cannot stop even though I have the voice in my head screening stop I still don’t. I always screw everything up it’s like I do it on purpose even things that I really want.Whats wrong with me! I also have liver disease this year my health has got worse I feel constantly fatigued with no energy at all makes me think if this is all I have to look forward to what’s the point. Everyone would be better off without me. I live in constant fear that my husband will leave me I mean why would anyone want me like this I know he loves me but I don’t understand how anyone can.I’ve been to the doctors all they want to do is give me pills I’ve tried quite a few now with terrible side effects. Made me feel a million times worse. I tried CBT never worked.This is more than just depression and anxiety I know it but I feel no one is listening to me. I was having suicidal thoughts last week so I went to the doctors took my husband with me this time.And finally she has referred me to be assessed I’ve been asking over a year! So now I have even more to stress about. What if I cannot speak when I get there what if they don’t believe me. What if they take my daughter what if I get sectioned.This is my own fault this is what I deserve on and on it goes.I just want my mind to give it a rest I’ve tried meditation but it’s almost impossible for my mind to be still unless I’m asleep. Does anyone else ever feel like this?

[20Voices]

Hi,

First thing is can you just take a deep breath in counting slowly to 4, hold it for a slow count of 2 and breath out for a slow count of 6. That's what I do when my mind does the full on buzz of what if's and won't stop for breath.

I know how you feel I felt like that 3 years ago. Keep searching for the techniques and help that will work for you. I got refered to the local NHS pyschiatrists but that didn't work for me and made me worse. I did a CBT computer based program which was useful in giving me more knowledge about anxiety and depression. I also got referred to a Stress Control class which was great, just what I needed at the time. I did that class twice because the first time I was so tired I couldn't take it all in and they didn't cover sleep issues until the last week. The second time I went my Mum came with me because my husband refused and just having some one there that knew what I had been told and the suggestions that had been made was great because when I spoke to my Mum she could remind me of what was said at the class. I am really lucky to have an understanding doctor who had patience with me and understands my need to get of the drugs as soon as possible and my search for long term solutions and I don't see drugs being my long term solution.

The real turning point for me was the work I did with a psychologist. She was able to understand my back ground and help me define my program for improving. I did things like thought control records, mindfulness walking, situational reviews where I would write down a situation then list all the negative thoughts and then all the positive thoughts. We'd discuss the situations and my thoughts and she helped me redefine my thought processing.

I have discovered that my issues stem way further back than I originally thought and that I needed to re-align how I thought about myself and how I thought about others. I have always judged myself as not worthy, not good enough and things always being my fault. I recognize that now and am working hard to re-address that balance. I was even able to see it in a way that made sense to me. I kind of look at it as having a weight on one shoulder that over the years has got heavier and heavier and that has caused me to walk lope sided. With the help of everyone and recognizing I have a problem I was able to remove that weight. However it has been there so long that I still walk wonky, so now I am in that phase where I learn to walk straight again. Kind of gives me a physical image in my head and I adjust that image as I learn to rebalance myself.

You can get through this and you can find what will help you. I would suggest you make a list of everything you have tried. Maybe you need to go back to something you've tried before. If you have notes from your CBT program go through them, you never know you might find something that makes more sense to you now.

I know you find the idea of another appointement as stressful, you can ease the stress by making a list of questions you want to ask. A list of things that you want to say about how you feel and a list of worries that you have. Most importantly a list of things that you have found have worked for you.

A lot of people talk about stopping the negative thoughts that go through your head, but I found it better to just recognize then and work on a plan of saying to myself that I understand that thought, but at the moment I am working on something else and will get back to that thought at a more appropriate time. If I am able to I even write down the thought. I found that with some of the thoughts that I had written down that when I looked at them again I recognized they were silly thought to have, so I would rip them up and throw them in the bin. A physical representation of removing that thought was good for me.

It is all about finding what works for you. I also found that for me concentrating on the future and being a better fitter person has really helped. I have heard a lot of people say they want to be the person before the illness, but I look on it as I will never be that person again and being stronger and more self aware is a good way to move forward. Also recognizing that no path in life is straight and we are all on a trip that can take us off in one direction or another, but if we keep at it we will get back to the path we want to be on.

I hope this helps you.

Take care.

[Mizzkent]

Hi,20vioices

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!! I really do appreciate it and reading it has really helped! I was having a really bad day when I wrote that I think I forgot that other people could read my thoughts 🤣

What you say makes a lot of sense I have all of this year been searching for alternative ways to cope without drugs as I don’t believe that’s the answer especially for me! But I do realise that I might not have any option at least for the short term. I have an assessment on the 7th with someone from the mental health team. So fingers crossed I’m able to get the help and support I need. I also have tried meditation it sometimes helps but only I find of a night because mornings seem to be the worst for some reason. I struggle with being consistent Though I did it for months and it was helping then stopped. I’ve started again the last couple of days. I have also started writing down how I feel which seems to be helping me notice more just how all over the place I am. But at least I am noticing which I feel is a step in the right direction 😊 x

[Hidden]

You made me laugh, sorry..how are you feeling today

[Mizzkent in reply to Hidden]

Hi I’ve actually been feeling a lot better this week must be them drugs kicking in 🤣 Been taking them nearly 4 weeks now. My mood swings haven’t been quite so bad still have the racing thoughts I’ve always got them but they’ve not been so negative.My energy levels have improved I hope it continues I’ve been decorating all week and keeping myself busy. How are you? Xxx

[Charmerbluegirl]

Hello there hope everything is getting better slowly. An everything happens for a reason God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. You will get through this and guess what everything will be OK. Just don't lose faith just yet keep praying and asking God to strengthen you and take care of your family. Pray for your marriage an work on it and you'd see things improve. It takes time but everything will fall into place eventually. God bless