I dropped out of college.
I was late to class, and I was standing in the corridor listening to the teacher read out the register. I couldn't go into the classroom.
I made my way downstairs, then outside into the main area of the college.
Then a classmate walks past, and says she's going to class, and that I should come with her.
We get back up to that corridor, and as she goes into class, I linger outside. Then my tutor for another lesson was there, and told me I should head in class. Says I have to go into class to be on the course, obviously.
I tell her I want to withdraw from the course. I really didn't.
But I had to admit that I can't go into class everyday. And to complete the course, I need a 95% attendance rate. I've suffered from depression for almost a decade, on some days, I find it difficult to even get out of bed.
Then the there was all the drama with my student loans. I needed somebody I had known for 2 years and that I'm not related to, to fill it in. I LITERALLY do not know anybody like that. I asked everyone. My doctors, they said they don't do references. My social worker, but she doesn't work there anymore. Family friends. Nobody wanted to help.
Then there's the anxiety…
Being terrified of class everyday. Not having anybody to hang out with during breaks. Even then, not being able to communicate.
I hate myself for this.
I've been feeling suicidal, and these actions are my plans to kind of commit suicide without really doing so, you know? Giving up on life.
I'm obese, and I'm tired of looking like this. I've been around 272lbs-274lbs for WEEKS now.
I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of being anxious. I'm tired of being me.
I'm so tired.