I need some advice on a difficult situation

Hi everyone, I need some advice. I have anorexia and depression and since my diagnosis, my dad has rebuked me on "getting fat", ordering food for me and telling me to shut up and eat it when I get upset, when I broke my foot 3 months ago (which has pulled into the deepest depression) telling me it's my fault for f***king up my summer and smirking when I told him that I sometimes want to die. From getting CBT since my diagnosis, I have identified that my dad has played a massive part in how I see/feel about myself. He has treated my mum and brothers in exactly the same vein however, they find it difficult to understand why I get so upset as that's "just dad". Since he smirked about me feeling suicidal I haven't spoken to him (2 months ago).

Tomorrow evening, our family friend is coming over for dinner to say farewell to my brother and I who are on the verge of moving. I have told my mum and brothers that I don't want my dad to be apart of our evening but they have ardently stated that we are a family and have to come across that way.

I am finding it really hard to understand that how we are 'supposed' to be seen is more important than to what is happening behind closed doors. My mum and brothers all know dad is in the wrong but believe nothing can be done. My mum has stated that she should have divorced him but she missed her chance.

I feel so sad and frustrated that my family accept dads behaviour and I need some advice on how I go about tomorrow. I never ever want to be civil to a man who has treated me so badly but I don't want to be seen as upset/angry in front of our family friend when dad is there and everyone else is still playing their part in the family who we are seen to be...what shall I do?

2 Replies

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  • Hello j_a_w94,

    From what you say your Dad sounds like quite a bully. I am not surprised that following your CBT you discovered that your dad has played a large part in how you see and feel about yourself. Well done you for recognising what is happening to you and other family members.

    You have shown that you are strong and have discussed your dad's behaviour with your mum and your brother. They have made it clear they accept your dad's behaviour. They also want to preserve the 'facade' of a family unit. J_a_w94 your mum and brother have created a united front. They are not willing to or do not feel able to do anything proactive.

    You have made your decision based on your realisation following CBT. You are strong and being true to yourself. You cannot change how your mum and your brother feel and act. They make their choices as you do yours.

    As for Thursday evening to save embarrassment to the family friend you may have to be civil towards your dad. You could always say your goodbyes to this family friend and make your excuses and leave early. You must do what feels right to you and the guest.

    Please let us know how your evening goes. Remember, you are strong, take care

    Lottie x

  • Hello, I think it is wonderful that you are strong enough to get out of a very toxic situation . I would imagine that anyone who knows your Father, knows what kind of person he is . Those kind of things people want to hide from society are usually quite obvious to others. I would go ahead with your dinned , but be ready to leave ahead of time. If your Father starts to make you uncomfortable I would calmly stand and say Oh, I see it's time for me to go. Even if you are in the middle of soup don't let anything stop you. You don't need to pay the price for your family to keep up the pretense . Have a happy life, you deserve it. Pam

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