Life so far(Very VERY long!)

[NazOppa]

Hey i'm new to this community I don't want to mention too much info about myself; as I don't want family members finding out. I'm L ( don't want to give out name for safety), I'm 16 years old. I'm what you would call an 'apostate'. Living in a Muslim family brought up as a Muslim, however I can now confirm i am an atheist I believe in secular humanism. You could say my parents are strict, i am not in any crisis or anything however i am very depressed, stressed and full of anxiety and paranoia. I attend mosque 4 times a week. I have no choice. I sometimes end up going to town to avoid going and lie to my parents. I hate attending mosque the teacher is awful and always yells at me. People tell me 'oh you shouldn't do this its Haram' etc. Im tired of it. Im mentally tired of having to role play as a Muslim and pray to someone that does not exist. 2 years ago I experienced what you would call severe depression. I didn't attend school much and lie and say i was ill to my mother. However its because I couldn't face the world I had no energy. Now, I break down over the smallest things such as not being able to use the laptop sometimes. My sister calls me a psycho, tells me I am mental and that i should get help because of my obsession with the internet. She saw my self harm scars once and I lied and said I fell she made fun of me and told me to go cut. I need the internet its the only way i can suppress my emotions. Its the only way I can escape my thoughts somewhere I can feel happy. I use to wake up early everyday... but now I sleep more to avoid waking up. Recently my grades have improved however i have always been bad at maths. I use to be an Ungraded. Yes I am terrible. However I worked hard to get up to a D. But my mother shouted at me and called me stupid. I dont understand my mum... Shes emotionally abusive sometimes then really kind other times which makes me confused. I didnt harm since april, until recently I relapsed by scratching. I have no one to speak to. My friend makes fun of people who harm. She thinks its for attention but it really isnt. I feel relieved from it. I feel like im ungrateful. I have lots of friends but still no one to tell, and I am from a family who can just about afford to put food on the table. I did feel suicidal for a while...I dont know. I do not want to die I WONT give up. Im waiting till im 18 to move out for uni and wear what I want and not be forced to wear islamic clothing. When i was younger i always envied the little white girls ( i went to a predominantly white school) who wore short skirts and had their hair in beautiful hairstyles. I envied their family relationship. Even now i envy the girls i see in the street with loving boyfriends and their stylish outfit. I want to travel but im not allowed because im a girl. My parents stopped me from going on a residential trip to France and everyone went. This isnt the first time they also stopped me when i was in primary school. I want to work hard, get good grades, go to college, pass my A levels and move to london for university. I dont want to cut my parents off but I want to slightly distance myself and do what I want. Im very passionate about my future. Living in Japan/Korea...Nice apartment with two cats a rabbit and a budgie. (When im financially stable) and a loving husband. I want to pierce my nose both sides and a septum... maybe a lip piercing too haha. I have such a vivid image of it. Just thinking about having my own freedom excites me. I live for this... This is my motivation. I want to travel to lots of places. Learn lots of languages. My career? I am not sure. However I know for sure that my career will be based specifically on helping people/animals/society. Maybe rescuing animals...Or becoming a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist to help people with mental health issues. Everytime I speak about these things I tear up just imagining me being successful it feels so real it feels so close. I am determined to work hard however things such as mosque make me anxious mosque is a huge barrier. Also my siblings work so I have to do all the cleaning in the house which stresses me out. I love going to the city centre though. One day I feel like Just walking around, smelling the fresh air and drinking a frappe at Costa. Then another day its me in bed getting woken up and thinking about the amount of energy it would take to wash my hair and clean and whether i can do it. I forgot to mention. I have a binge eating disorder. If im stressed? I eat. Depressed? eat. Happy? Eat. When im sad i will literally take a bunch of food and eat it and i will feel so guilty and ugly afterwards. Its sad... i was even thinking about going gym and losing weight during this summer holiday. But instead i gained weight. Everyone calls me fat. Im just trying to breeze through these 2 years so i can finally have some freedom.

If you read up to here thank you so much. Maybe this can become a diary a place for me to vent and for people to tell me everything will be okay... I hope so...

[AvaP]

Oh you will DEFINITELY make it through until 18.

Your positive future motivation outweighs your fears for sure.

And your current environment is a trigger for the negative thoughts you have.

I moved out on my own when I was 22.

I also had a strict family with their own views on religion and how one/woman should behave. And ANYTHING I did was considered REBELLION to them. Even though It was a critical time where i was learning myself as to what works best for me. And for me, moving out alleviated a lot of my stressors.

The difference between you and I is that you already know what it is you'd like to do or go.

So you have 2 years to plan it. 2 years to perfect it. 2 years to save whatever nickel/dime comes your way and 2 years to plan on explaining to your family that the love you have for them wont dissappear once you leave.

I also hated cleaning/cooking every daggone day!

But it wasn't until I left that ALOT of what I learned at home stayed with me as I got older. (I am now 28)

Leaving wasn't easy since I didn't plan it. I literally told my parents I'd be leaving in a month. (I'd already given my 1st/last month's rent to the new place I had gotten) and they didn't take me seriously. Until I pulled up with a moving truck. It was emotional. In the sense that my father didn't speak to me for awhile. But iiiii spoke to him as often as I could untIL he finally called me on his own one day.

I still believe there were different ways my parents could have addressed things but not going through this meant I wouldn't know how to treat my future child or my future anything.

I wasn't allowed to go to any school gatherings. Only church related ones.

Only "church" friends were welcomed with...open arms smh..

I can totally relate to you.

So message me if you'd like!

Ttys!

[NazOppa in reply to AvaP]

I definitely will message you. You inspire me thank you very much! I will reply tomorrow as my mum is yet again telling me how much of a failure i am and how low my grades are... I will take my leave and message you tomorrow thank you!

[AvaP in reply to NazOppa]

Please do! Looking forward to itt!!

[Shadowlands]

Bless you I hope you get to fulfill your dreams your still a young girl and with determination you will succeed! Good luck.😊

[Struggling777]

What an amazing young lady you are. Determined yet respectful to your family and their beliefs despite your own views. That can't be easy and also all the cleaning etc but you WILL get to do what you want with your life with such a great attitude and so much determination. It's good that you already know where you see your future -- don't forget the world is your oyster. Keep those plans and ambitions.

Please be kind to yourself and remind yourself how 'good' you are being to your family by doing so much and your 'quiet' dislike of some of the teachings of your religion, attending the mosque so much etc, says so much about you. Keep your positive energy for your studies and future plans and maybe when you're getting a tough time from hurtful remarks, focus on your future. Sometimes older siblings say things they don't mean but if you're sensitive you're sure to take it on board. (speaking from experience!!)

I can't begin to imagine going to pray four times a week and abiding by so many rules. I had a religious education and went to church on Sundays and found it quite stressful for so many reasons esp finding my seat after communion. (I have no sense of direction!)

My mum and dad were older parents (very humble with little money but very kind) and did everything for me! (well my older sisters too!). I didn't even know how to clean my room. Suffice to say I hadn't a clue about housework, housekeeping, managing money etc. and I was always anxious about how I'd cope when I left home! I was clever at school but hadn't any practical skills and still don't! I had bad anxiety but no one really noticed as I was spoilt and if I was worried about doing something, it would be done for me!

Food was everything in our house!! Every problem and I'd either eat too much or starve! Food is such a great comfort and you need to eat well for your studies. If you want to lose weight, you'll know when the time is right for you. Apols for such a long message.

Take good care of yourself and sending you warmest wishes

Magsxx

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Wow you have such determination and a positive attitude that I am sure you will be able to achieve your dreams. Don't make the mistake though of thinking that 'white' families are automatically perfect or their relationships. You only see the outside after all.

Go for your dreams, be who you want to be. That is your right so get it girl. x

[NazOppa]

Thank you everyone for you kind replies I will use your comments as motivation to help me get through this!

[Struggling777]

Hope your week is going well NazOppa. Take care.