hi I'm new here, hoping to find support

hi I have been dealing with depression on and off for a while now, and fed up with going through the same cycles again and again I haven't really spoken to people about this before other than doctors and councillor's i am trying to balance so many things at once people are noticing i am not myself lately so i kind of hope that something like this might be that thing i wish i had tried years ago haha.

[Satsuma]

Welcome to the community .. This is where your recovery starts

[LoriMS61]

Hi Jen,

Tell us more about yourself. We are here to listen.

Lori

[Hidden in reply to LoriMS61]

i am not really sure where to start lol i am 24 going on a hundred it seems, i was a very healthy very "normal" teenager until 17 and i started dislocating all the time, i had to leave college because of how much damage i was doing to myself and despite having friends who said they would be there the help faded away and i found myself completely alone.

after a year of fighting and trying to get help i finally get the diagnosis of hypermobility syndrome.

started studying from home trying to get some sort of education but still being totally alone in pain unable to sleep but never leaving my room unless i had to.

after being put on one antidepressant after the other and having a mental health worker, youth worker, and councillor after trying to do something stupid i finally found that i thought i was feeling better.

applied my education and got into university i thought this would be my new start but i am finding i have anxiety i have panic attacks when i am in large groups of people and that feeling of that dark shadow slowly swallowing me up is coming back and i feel as its all my fault, i am trying so hard to be normal, made a couple of friends but i never thought that this would be a problem i have i have spoken to the gp to sort myself out but it feels like the cracks are starting to show i am finding it hard to i suppose be "normal" .

i can be like i was but i am slipping back and have no idea what to do.

this is actually the first time i am saying all this to people other than family doctors or lecturers

[LoriMS61 in reply to Hidden]

Well you've done really well to achieve what you've achieved so far.

Do you live in halls? You don't have to be okay all the time, and it's ok to feel panicky. You've not been around large groups of people for a long time. Give yourself a break.

Maybe try and desensitise yourself to it. Have an exit strategy and try and spend a bit more time amongst the crowd every day.

I hate crowds, I hate when I go food shopping and people carelessly hustle and bustle. I feel overwhelmed, but I either go early to avoid the mad rush, or just focus on my own little bubble.

You've made friends, and that's a huge achievement. Make sure you give yourself some you time though. I remember plastering on a happy persona 24/7 and it became exhausting. If you can, take yourself off for a walk around nature and escape people for a little while.

[Hidden in reply to LoriMS61]

thankyou so much for your kind words,

I don't live in halls i don't think i could handle that lol, the problem with me if i have a strategy i find myself running before i even get there and doing all my work from home like i used to i try pushing myself but i find it makes me worse and less likely to go in the next day my lecturers are so understanding but there has to be a point where even their patients runs out and after

it sounds so stupid but i convince myself i am going to dislocate myself in front of everyone and that terrifies me so much it would feel humiliating being a cripple in another place all over again

[LoriMS61 in reply to Hidden]

Has that happened to you before? Can you wear supports?

Xxx

[Hidden in reply to LoriMS61]

i have so many supports but it doesn't help anymore. to top it off I just found out I am loosing my legs and I feel like I am breaking now

[Devon30]

I could have wrote that, I feel the same. As I'm getting earlier it's getting scarier. I don't want to be like this forever.