I'm new here

[PookieMonster]

My name is Iris. I'm 19. I have anxiety and possible depression, but I'm very good at hiding it. I feel like my anxiety began when I was in middle school. I was never really believed in the traditional way but I did lose trust in a lot of friends who I thought had my back. After middle school my mom decided to homeschool me where I kept close friendships with kids at my church but who I also ended up having to cut out of my life. After I graduated I went to college and I thought everything would be better there. I made nice friends even though they all did drugs. I didn't do really well in my studies because I'm always tired either from work or just in general. My anxiety kept me from going to extra help from professors or tutors or even my friends. I didn't want to feel dumb and I thought I could do everything on my own. My parents of been going through a divorce for about two years and since I'm technically an adult my mother feels like I don't have any say or have the right to feel any emotion towards it. i've also lost a couple post people in my life they had passed away when I was younger. My boyfriend's parents hate me, I think it's because either I were too much make up or I'm just not "Christian" enough for them but I've seen a Pockrus he in my church and I decided to leave and try and find out on my own. all of these things have left me with severe anxiety depression, lack of motivation, no sleep, and I just seem to be out of it a lot, I had cut myself for many years usually sporadically so they would have time to heal in between. My mom finally saw some scars quite recently but instead of reacting the way I thought she would which would've been consoling and comforting, she got really upset and called me lazy and said I'm just doing it for attention. I would love to go to a doctor but I don't think my parents would take me seriously. I wish I could go to another church but I don't drive and my mom refuses to go to another one and I will not go to the one that I brought into all my life because I came to figure out that no one really cared about me and everyone just look to make themselves seem better. I really wanted to start over in a new church and maybe have a new church family but I know that even then it would be hard for me to trust people again. I dropped out of college and now I'm not really sure what to do I want to be a wildlife conservation is and I have no idea how to get there. My anxiety really keeps me from reaching out for help emailing people who are in conservations even the people that I volunteer with them to schedule talk to you just because they seem so intimidating. Talking to people and asking for help really scares me and it really keeps me from achieving what I could've and now I feel like my time is running out and I'll never be able to do what I want with my future. My boyfriend is my only support but he could only help me so much since he's not allowed to see me. I've known him all my life and he's my best friend and very slowly things are starting to work since he drives now he can come Be with me but I know it'll still be a long road. I relationship is the only thing that seems to really be progressing nowadays everything else just seems to be falling apart I'm tired of being la be with me but I know it'll still be a long road. I relationship is the only thing that seems to really be progressing nowadays everything else just seems to be falling apart I'm tired of being lazy. My family doesn't really believe the lack of motivation can be caused by depression but it's just not wantin lazy. My family doesn't really believe the lack of motivation can be caused by depression. They believe it's just because you don't feel like it, they always bottle of their emotions and no one really asked for professional help. I feel like it's probably because they don't want to be seen as weak. For God sake I'm writing this at four in the morning and this is maybe the third week that I haven't slept on a normal schedule. I work at a store as a sales associate and my job is exhausting but it's a decent distraction from my other problems. I had a second job and a dog groomers for only a couple weeks and they told me they didn't really need me because they had so many people already working there so they let me go. My 1 foot in the door to being able to help animals and now I'm just closed out again. There is nothing I ever want more for my life than to go to Africa and help animals on the conservation but every which way I seem to turn door either closes on me or I'm too scared to open it. My Exide he is honestly crippling and I hate myself for being so afraid. My self-esteem is down the drain at this point. I'm not unhealthy but I'm not physically where I would like to be which is probably not the healthiest thing either. I'm only about 120 something pounds and I'm 5 foot five. No matter how many people tell me I look pretty I'll never believe it until I know for myself. I don't have the money to go to a gym and when I try to exercise at home I just lose motivation so quickly like I do with everything else. I really need help and I really was the peo no matter how many people tell me I look pretty I'll never believe it until I know for myself. I don't have the money to go to a gym and when I try to exercise at home I just lose motivation so quickly like I do with everything else. I really need help and I really want people to understand that I'm not just some teenager Who has no idea what they want for their life but I want people to know that I'm scared of everything that could possibly help me progress and I have no idea why and I have almost no friends and the ones that I do have I'm nervous to open up to and that I can't open up to my parents at all because you'll never understand. Believe me I've tried, they just blowing off and call me lazy or they see them help but they never do I guess procrastination runs in the family. I apologize for my very long intro but as a good writer I'm obligated to write out my entire situation and the truth and how I feel. I hope this please give me some guidance because I really just want to leave a little more normal, be less afraid

[Aitch56]

You sound like a very normal teenager to me. You feel self conscience. Your parents are trying to clip your wings just as you have found out how to fly. This is a reflection on them, not you. Take a deep breath and stand up for yourself. Gosh how I wish I could follow my advise but I am way over teenage years now. Tell your mum and dad you love them and will always be their little girl but you have to be allowed to make your own mistakes in life and then open the door and start your adventure.