Were do I stand?

hi there,

I'm an 18 year old female who enjoys making people laugh so that I make people feel better about themselves (even if I'm upset which sounds kind of dumb)...i guess you could say that it's a mask? Well I dont want to spend too much of your time blabbing on, but my aunt came to my house today and bought her three sons with her. There's one specific cousin who I simply cannot read! We used to be best friends when we were younger but grew apart with age.Now whenever I see him I struggle to say hello. I've seen him my bus stop before and he's said 'hi' and was very pleasant . But when I go to his house or he comes to mine we dont even utter a word to one another and his dad has even been cold towards me the odd few times even though he's been kind to me for my whole childhood! So I called my brother and he was in the room with my cousins and he couldn't hear me so my other cousin told him that I was calling him. I told my brother "happy birthday!" And then I said "wait who called my bro , cousin X or Y?" So that I could thank him. As soon as i said the awkward cousins name (the one I've been talking about this whole time) he made a weird face at me and no one answered my question making it even more awkward! I just don't get it. Sometimes I catch him smiling at me and other times I feel like he hates my guts! Its so confusing and to make it worse my sisters said I'm being paranoid although nothing I've said has been fabricated. I just don't know what to do.The incident today was so embarrassing and I get more anxious than normal because of his contradictory behaviour because he'll probably be laughing at me with his bros when he gets home! Sorry I blabbered. If anyone took the time to even read this, then thank you...i appreciate it.

[waitingfortoday]

I read it ^-^ unfortunately I have no idea what to suggest. Just wanted you to know that someone cares

[Hidden in reply to waitingfortoday]

wow...thank you waitingfortoday, that means so much to me. Thank you x

[ladeda]

Hi sweet pea, from the way you write its clear you are a very loving compassionate young lady that cares so much about your friends and family. But whatever goes on in their heads is totally out of your control and really isn't worth the effort of trying to read them, even with practice that is something that will always be doomed to failure. All you can do is be yourself, smile treat yourself with love and respect, you will never feel happy all the time just as you you will never feel sad all the time, both will always come and go as you strive to understand your own thoughts, which if there anything like mine can get pretty absurd at times all you can do is recognize its a thought in your head and not let paranoia even come into it, but just work on letting it go and not try to imagine what others are thinking, especially the males who sometimes show the opposite on the outside to how they feel about someone one the inside.

Fleetwood Mac wrote a beautiful song called 'Oh Well', one line goes " when I talk to God I know he'll understand, sit by me and I'll be your God at hand, but don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give you the answers that you want me too."

Please don't worry what goes on in the heads of others, being you is what matters most and you will always be good enough xxxx

[Hidden in reply to ladeda]

wow ladeda what a heartfelt response. Thank you so much for reading my post first of all. You're right about it being a dangerous game trying to read people. For some reason I always try to because I just want them to like me even though youre right when you say its impossible for everyone to like me and I'm not always going to be happy. I just don't get why people are so mean and judgmental but if they were outwardly rude I would get it, he literally changes his mind everytime I see him. I think I am just going to avoid him completely from now on because he just isn't healthy for me. Thank you ladeda, I really appreciate your reply and good luck x

[Hidden]

I'll try not to lilaclil but sometimes my thoughts take control. I thought to myself 'sleep on it and when you wake up you probably wont care anymore ' but when I woke up it just kept bugging me again. Maybe I just need to learn to block some thoughts out. Thank you for your reply, it's nice to know someone cares.

[Hidden]

woah, I never really thought of it like that. Maybe I should just stop trying so hard .That actually hit me hard for some reason. Thank you lilaclil, I'm going to ponder on the wisdom you have just sprinkled on me

[Hidden]

I can't imagine a life without internet, although I don't really have any social media. I feel like life back then was way too hard especially because of lack of support on 'taboo' subjects like mental health. I hope that one day I can sprinkle wisdom on someone else in need just like how you have done for me

[Hidden]

Not that I'm trying to jump to conclusions or belittle your issues but I feel that I may have that also? About the parenting thing. I feel like I've always had conditional love from my parents and even then sometimes my parents are just never happy with me. It's even worse because I have six siblings and lets be clear when I say that I've never been the favourite or the priority despite being the second youngest. Like even today my mum went hysterical on me just because said "what's wrong" to my little sister. And then she was all happy and was watching TV five minutes later with my big sister and little sister. And my dad is even worse, when he gets angry (over the littlest things) there's no stopping him. The verbal abuse is never ending until he's in a good mood and then he would be laughing and asking me why I'm so grumpy(and downright confused) but when my big brother started threatening my dad just because he said "you probably shouldn't have all those cans of coke" my dad reacted completely differently like a sad puppy (and I did feel sorry for him because my brother was out of order) Its just all a mess,but I have found a lot of comfort in talking to you lilaclil and you've made me realise that there can be a silver lining. So I thank you for that. Oh and sorry for ranting again, I just have no filter. I probably should be revising for my exam tomorrow lol but thanks again. You've given me so much more insight into my life as a whole and truth be told you were under no obligation to do so which makes me that bit more grateful x