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Mental Health Support
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I dont know

Why after a man has hurt us do we stay so long. He can say I love you and i hate you in the same breath. We can fight like we are animaĺs and then love each other the next minute. Have we both been so hurt by someone else that we are scared to really feel and commit. I have trust issues with him. He is mad because i always bring up things I see or feel. I cant leave him. I love who i met he changed. Can he change back should i put myself through the hurt to find out. I read a book about men not being able to commit until he has his life together. I've read so many books. Why am I not able to apply any of it to a relationship? My problem isn't being alone or feeling like i cannot find anyone else. I know i can. I've gotten attention from other but it isnt him I dont care about them. When they do it it feels good for a second but never have I thought that I'd leave him for any of them or I'd never cheat even though I have a feeling he has. He says he wants to marry me. Then the next minute he hates me. I've never said i hated him I dont understand how someone who says they love you can also say they hate you and be abusive mentally. A part of me feels like he has been really hurt by someone but that doesn't make it right. I try to show him love but it never seems good enough. I have no idea why I'm still here chasing him. Wanting him. He told me when we seperate that he misses me. When he buys something we both shared he said he thinks of me. He always tells me he loves me then asks me you know that right. When really in my heart I have no idea because we are different when we handle things. I never want to leave him but it seems like he could care less if i go. He's never changed me but always open to being back together. I have no idea what to do. This last time I told myself its the last time. I will just walk and say nothing I told myself this but can i do it. Why am I giving him another chance? Why cant I leave and never look back.

6 Replies

Hello, I'll just jump in and say you don't sound happy to me. You sound like you might have been at one time, but you can't get him back there, I get the idea it's all about fighting and makeup sex. If that's enough of a relationship for you then you're set because it 's probably what you're going to get.for the rest of your relationship. It's doubtful he will change himseIf you are looking for a richer relationship it will probably be with someone else.. Pam

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Actually not about makeup sex lol we never have that. I am not happy thats why I'm here. I know i should leave him my point was why can't I after all the hurt the love never goes away. Moving who he used to be. I cant change him I know that. My point is I ķnow all this but why am I still here why can't I walk away. I've tried and i keep coming back hoping it will be different.


You need to look clearly and logically at your situation. If this relationship belonged to a friend or loved one, would you tell them to leave? If yes, then you need to ask yourself why you believe it's ok for someone else to treat you like this.

If, when he says he hates you, you have good reason to believe he is not being truthful, you still need to work out if you accept being spoken to like that.

You talk about wanting him to change, until he has a reason to he won't. You accepting his behaviour gives the message to him that this is ok. By physically remaining in the relationship that is what you are doing.

Have you read up about co-dependency? This situation may be getting to that point. One party acts abusively, the other party tolerates this ad use which allows a cycle of abuse to build up. It can happen to anyone. The issues come alive when both people have problems with self esteem.

Start thinking about what you need for a healthy relationship. You may have to look at yourself first, to consider if in anyway you feel unworthy. It really is true, if you don't love yourself then it's almost impossible for love to be healthy in a relationship.

Difficult though it is, your feelings about this man are not helping you. There is no justification for abuse, and certainly love and abuse do not go together.

You cannot change another person but you can change yourself. Perhaps if he sees you behaving differently, he may do the same.

You could use the services of Relate to work out problems in your relationship.


You need to ask yourself what you need in a relationship.

I am a Man I would be away looking for someone who will respect me and not use me the way it seems here

How can you spend your life with this person, if the relationship is bad now, How do you see this relationship in twenty years time.

There are good men out there, find on and gives this on a kick out of your life


1 like

Who he is now is the real him the him you are holding on to wasn't the true person he is. You sound miserable you remind me of me. My husband is still this was after 6 years that's because it's his true self. I look at him a hate him but I love him for the father he is to my daughter. I know he doesn't love me he shows me by the way he treats me and this hot and cold routine he dose is called crazy making. I stay because I have no income no support and I'm ill. If I had a choice I'd leave any choice but a shelter no thanks


I've never been in a relationship like yours & for that I'm truly thankful. But my work has brought me, however indirectly, into contact with such situations, their outcomes & consequences that I've always felt "once is once too many". I don't think that thought will ever change. I wish you health, courage & wisdom to see.


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