I don't except anyone to understand but i have no one else to talk about this situation, mainly because i caused it. In the past I was hurt massively by an online relationship which lasted 3 years on and off constantly, it left me physically damaged and i've never completely gotten over it, it was a messy situation.
During that time I met someone which i grew close to, we've known eachother 3 years this summer, 4 months ago after all the complications which had happened in the past, he became my everything. i've never mentally and physically become attached to someone like i have with him, he just makes my s*** life worth something, the relationship was distance and even though it was hard we made it work from staying up until whenever and waking up early just to hear his voice. Everything was perfect until my ex came back into my life, we gradually became friends again, she knew about my new relationship and would still bring up past feelings. She picked a time where i was vulnerable and I responded to our past, believe me the guilt hurt, it ached yet i carried on the contact with my ex. You can't ever stop caring for someone no matter how much they hurt you, that was my theory, i thought up this whole idea on how i was going to hurt my ex just like they hurt me because i'd finally started getting on with my life, i found the person that i need the most. Yet my plan doesn't make sense now, i wanted her to hate me like i hated her so she'd completely STAY out my life because no matter how hard i tried keeping her out my life, she kept coming back and I let her.
I thought it made sense, i really did. Of course it backfired and i've lost the love of my life, i was selfish, i didn't think of the one person which could get affected by all this, he doesn't want to listen to my feelings nor my explanations, he doesn't believe me when i say without him, i just ache, i'm just nothing. He's tried forgetting everything and giving it a second chance but he's hurting, im grateful for him trying but honestly i've never felt so empty AND i can't seem to do anything about him leaving because i'm the cause of my relationship failing since I couldn't get over the pain caused in the past. It should've just been kept in the past. It's like just the little things, the memories, his voice, i can't leave that in the past because without him my life is just empty, i never wanted to depend on someone to provide me with happiness but he was my happiness.